I Try... But I Just Can't.

I really do hate myself.

I try everyday to get through how I feel and I just can't.  I feel like I'm getting taken over by this horrible aura and it just hits me everytime I get even the ounce of happiness.  I feel sorry for the people that actually care about me because all I do is bring them discomfort and sadness.  I keep telling myself I'm going to be happy eventually but I don't think that's ever going to be possible.  I have so many things to be happy and thankful for, but none of that helps me feel any better.  I'm scared of people, and I hate being around people.  I think it's better to isolate myself from the world so at least I'm saving everyone from being around someone who is just gonna let them down in the end.  I disappoint myself, and I hate it.  I don't want to be in a bad mood everyday but it keeps coming back like a ******* plague.  Why is it so hard, what can I do?  I've tried everything... I'm not too sure where this even began.  

I guess I'll give a little background on it.  I'm actually a trans-female, MTF.  I transitioned last year fully.  In high school people treated me horrible.  There wasn't a day where I wasn't ridiculed or made fun of.  I still don't understand myself fully, back then I didn't know what I was going through.  People called me a ******, queer, freak, you name it I was called it.  People threw things at me daily as well, and their stares still pierce me to this day.  I guess this is where I started hating myself even more, I was an outgoing person before high school hit.  After that day I yelled I was different in gym my friends turned on me.  I had no one.  Everyone I had either stopped talking to me or joined in to humiliate me on a daily basis.  I still shudder thinking about it, 'cause it's the root of my trust issues with people.  I can't trust anyone, I push everyone I have away, and I'd rather be alone so no one would have to deal with such a horrible person.  After that day I think I had maybe two friends at the least.  Those friends are the only friends I've kept since grade school, and they're the only long term friends I've kept to this day.  They defended me best they could everyday.  One day my friend didn't show up to school, and I wasn't aware this guy got paid to beat me up that day either.  I think it was 11th grade after lunch, I was walking to my locker with my friend and I stood there talking.  He came up to me and was like "DID YOU CALL ME A ******?"  I couldn't help but stare blankly at him (this guy was one of my best friends as well well former...) I told him to get out of my face, and I turned to open my locker.  Bam.  I was out.  I think my skull hit someones hip, and my head slammed against the floor.  My friend told me he hit me at least 10+ more times.  The only thing I couldn't understand was why my best friend stood there and let him hit me... over and over... My other best friend doesn't understand this part either.  Neither of us grasped how she just stood there.  I guess you could say that's what triggers my trusting people, because even my best friend couldn't even defend me at the end of the day.  OR even try for that matter.  I don't want to write anymore on this, it just brings up so many mixed feelings about everyone.

I'll continue.  

From that day I've lost just about everyone I've cared about.  I honestly have no real friends anymore, except maybe one but he's my boyfriend, and my two friends from high school.  I can't let anyone get close 'cause they'll just end up hurting me like everyone else.  I want to save myself the hurt, and I want to save them the hurt from having to deal with someone like me.  I feel sorry for the people that are still my friend, because it must be a pain to have to deal with my anxiety, insecurity, and overall issues I can't get over.  

I just want to be happy... but I can't even do that for myself.  I just can't keep going on like this.  
ijustwantobehappy ijustwantobehappy
1 Response May 20, 2012

I know exactly how you feel i cant trust anyone either. Try something that sometimes works for me i ignore them and keep my head up high or at least try to the most thing that will hurt those stupid people the most is seeing you happy so try and soon youll be out of high school and youll never have to see those ugly *** faces anymore. Try to keep your head up we all have those days..<3333