I Need A Personality Transplant

I'll warn everyone now. This is a pitiful rant. I just need to get it out.

I am 42 years old. I grew up with my mother, sister and absusive, alcoholic stepfather. This horrible man shaped who I am today. And it's not pretty. I'm awkward and I despise myself most days. Let's just say that junior high was a waking nightmare. I had not one friend. Three years of pure hell at home and at school. The older I get, the more obvious it is that I'm not very likable. I chalk my husband and kids up to a merciful God who loves me inspite of myself. I'm too chatty. I'm opinionated, and I have a hard time hiding it. I put my foot in my mouth at every opportunity. I'm so stupid, I never learn from my mistakes. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm better off without social contact because of how I am. I try to change, but I fail. But I yearn for contact with other people. I yearn for friends. I would love the invitation to lunch or coffee. I know, I should make the invite. I'm terrified of rejection. It happens so often. It's just too painful.

My emotions are stirred up today. Yesterday I was at my 12 year old sons baseball tournament. I was with a bunch of mothers in the bleachers. I know all of them. I've lived in the same small town for over 20 years. It's always been the same. Never included. Some people just flat out do not like me and don't hide it. Well, despite what I had told myself on the way to the tournament ( to be quiet and not make a fool of myself) I found myself trying to include myself in their conversations. Oh they talked to me if I asked a question. But I could have just as easily sat there by myself for the 3 games which took all day. Nobody ever needs to ask me anything. Nobody starts a conversation with me. I feel like a fool today because I know I looked like an idiot yesterday. I just want to disappear. Trying too hard to fit in. Talking too much. Babbling really. We all know what that looks like. I just couldn't stop myself. I just want friends. I always have for as long as I can remember.

I hate myself so much. I wish I could change. I've tried so many times. I wish I knew how to change my personality. It's too late though. I wish I lived in big city sometimes. I would love to be somewhere nobody knows me.

This is all self-pity and I know it. I'm sorry.
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3 Responses May 20, 2012

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I grew up hating myself; a lot of the time I still do. I could list all my negative traits but that would be pure self-indulgence and would only serve to strengthen my self loathing. I came across this page because I googled 'personality transplant'... Just wanted to see if it's a possibility (I don't think it is!)<br />
I feel trapped in my own personality... it's like a prison; one I will never be able to escape from. I'm not bound by any outside influence, by the city in which I live or by the people around me; I am bound by me. Sometimes I think just up and running away would be the answer.... But of course I would have to bring me as well wouldn't I, so a big fail there!<br />
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I know deep down that its not about changing the person I am... It's about coming to accept and appreciate the person I am. Coming to the realisation that all the traits you listed above as 'negative' actually have their positive intentions. They exist because they are trying in some way to help you. Some of our traits get misguided by all the crap we get laid on us throughout our lives, and end up doing more harm then good.<br />
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It sounds like you need to give yourself a break. You are obviously trying so hard here... Surely you deserve a pat on the back for that? You can still want to change, but realise that the biggest change you need to make is acceptance. And every once in a while, recognise the amount of effort you are putting out there; thank yourself for trying so hard, and give yourself a break. Give yourself permission every so often to just relax and be yourself.

I think in life you have to concentrate on being the best person you can be ... and forgive yourself when you screw up. As you improve, good people will find you.

Hi, I am undergoing anxiety disorder stuffs right now and am in major clinical depression. I understand your pain. I too, have convinced myself that I truly truly hate myself. But there is always another side to it. There is a side that wants to get better but I know right now the things that bring us down outweigh more the good ones. But let me tell you. I have tried to end my life countless of time and I have failed at all of them. I think that something is telling me that I'm not meant to die yet. I could have easily ended my life but I didn't. <br />
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All I'm saying is just pull through and I really wish I could be there for you even though I know nothing of you. I have a friend who doesn't want to go out because he is afraid of rejection. So I told him, have you tried "EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE STEP YET?" And he said no. And the thing is, how bad could it be? Will a rejection kill you? I don't think so. We have to do things that we don't want to do even though it feels like it's a **** ton of work and is scary. Right now I have to confront this girl I like and everyday I wake up and I feel ****** about myself because I tell myself that I'm not worth it, she's not for me. But you know what? I just get up and do things because I like her, alot. For me, I don't see life as for myself anymore.<br />
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I get really anxious and scared for rejection because for one, I'm not very good looking, 2 we don't talk much and 3, I feel like I'm a dork. But I go ahead and do it. If she says no, we move on. But we just gotta keep going!