My Life

As a child I spent many years in foster homes. My mother was a drug addict and I never met my father, whom to this day denies i'm his. I have made contact with other members of his family and he still refuses me. I was in a foster home that was very nice for about 4 yrs before my foster father began molesting me at the age of 11. I was developing at the time and thought that was partially why it began. My foster mother mother whom I adored had began a new job at the time as well. I remember thinking he must have like having sex with her in the morning because it was always on a Saturday morning that she worked. I used to lay in bed and try not to get up before he did because I had to walk in front of his door to go to the kitchen or the bathroom and he would hear me and call me to his bed. My foster parents decided they wanted to adopt me , I was so excited. I mean be molested truly wasn't that bad and not a huge price to pay for 2 parents. My biological mom would only sign off on the adoption if I agreed to live with her for a little while and then if i still wanted to be adopted she would sign. I ended up living with her and her new husband along with my little brother and a new baby brother. I was a couple of months into it when my stepfather started creeping into my room at night after my mom fell asleep. He started shoving his **** into my mouth every chance he got. After about a year I told my mom what was going on. Her response was I knew that bastard was cheating with somebody but I had no idea it was you. Needless to say I was sent to a shelter and her husband stayed. In fact he stayed right of until his death. I have to say though he was kind enough to call me from his death bed and apologize and explain it was his fault and I had done nothing wrong. I am such a sick person that I told him thank you, I love you and I hope you are in peace. Yep I always take the high road. Anyway back to the shelter home. This was a temporary home and nobody quite knew what to do with me. I was such a sweet girl, no trouble at all they always said. A social worker came to me one day and said we contacted the last foster home you were in and they would love to have you back. {I had never told anyone that my foster father had been molesting me}
So I went back. You know that man never touched me again once I went back. I ended up staying there until I moved out on my own at 18. I had so many dreams for my future. I had no idea I was too messed up to achieve anything. I went to work and supported myself , usually working two jobs at a time. I met a man at a convience store and ended up marrying him.  We had a son about 9 months after we married. My husband was not a very responsible man. He kept quitting jobs and we would end on welfare , while i was working and he wasn't . We were always stressed for money and never able to do the normal things married people do . Buy a home, build credit etc. About 2 yrs into our marriage my husband on an impulse swore himself into the Army without telling me until after the fact. He went away to basic and ait for 6 months while I worked and took care of our son. I remember thinking about how pissed I was that he chose this without telling me and we were going to have to move from one end of the united states to the other. But, I also remember thinking this could be a blessing in disguise because he finally had a job that he couldn't't quit. 2 years into his 4 yr contract , we had bought a nice mobile home and a nice car and were doing very well. Although he hated the Army. I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child about this time. We were both very happy.  I had no idea what was coming. I was working full time and seeing the doctor and obliviously going through life. My husband was staying home a lot . He said he was on leave. I had a dr. apt. on base and he said um you better not go there. He proceeded to tell me he was AWOL. The United States was just starting Desert Shield. I was panicked. Nobody ever came looking for him. I had to go on welfare to have the baby. I ended up turning him over to his 1st Sergeant, processed him out with a general discharge. We had to file bankruptsy and lost everything. We moved back to our home state where we mooched off of his sister until I got a job. After about 12 yrs of this crap , he finally got a job and stuck with it. i was so happy. We were raising the boys and living life well for about 2 more yrs and then he fell in love with a lady at work and left me. All I could say to her was damn I went through years of crap with him and he finally grows up and you get the best of him. That sucks.... I got over it after many tears and an accidental pregnancy came from that period of time as well. I had re hooked up with an old boyfriend from high school that was going through a divorce at the same time. STUPID!  I came to Texas to be near family since I had a 14 yr old a 11 yr old and now a 1 yr old to care for. I lived with my parents for about a month. Got a job and a place of my own.I met another man. I was afraid of relationships at this point. I didn't want to go through more pain and drama. He kept hanging around and he seemed nice so one day led to the other and before you knew it we had been seeing each other for 3 yrs. Financially I had always struggled so we decided to join forces and get married.  STUPID!  That was 9 yrs ago . I married a man that I can't live with, or share a bed with. We tried but we are just too different....I am laid back , what will be will be , to the point that it is not good. ( my now 24 yr old son and 27 yr old son still live with me ) They both work part time for minimum wage and don't really contrubute to the household. I can't bring myself to kick them out. My husband never had any children of his own and he is so rigid, I can't even move the furniture without ******* him off. If I wrote a check to wal-mart off our account he screamed that I was a thief . He is heavy handed with the kids and grumpy all of the time. He was in a bad mood one night and I asked him where something was and he pointed a gun at my face. ( I did mention I am in TX, right. Everyone seems to be a gun collector and have a carry permit) I kicked him out that night. For the 1st time I had a voice and used it. He moved in with his brother for a while and they couldn't get along so he got his own place. About a yr after he left his brother ended up committing suicide. My husband stayed with me for the week. After the funeral he went back to his apartment. He seemed to change for the better after his brother died. I wouldn't let him move back into my home because my children and all the same frustrations were still here. So he rented the vacant duplex next door. So now here we are living side by side. I don't understand why I don't divorce him. I don't even love myself , so how could I love him?  As I read back over this It brings me to why I hate myself. The word VICTIM ! I sound like a victim all the time. I never treat others bad , only myself. I have compulsive behaviors that I have developed that are literally killing me. I am so very aware everyday what i'm doing to myself. You see I weigh 360 lbs., I smoke a pack and a half of cigs a day and I gamble to the point I struggle to make ends meet. I have a very respectable job that I love and have dedicated myself to for 12 yrs now. My life is so out of control I hate looking in the mirror. People who know me have great things to say , I am responsible, respectful , loving and they just don't get it the way I put up with so much and don't put my foot down. I have thought about it so much and I think that i accepted so much through life that I no longer have boundries , if i ever did.  Somewhere along the line I started being selfish and doing whatever I want I stopped caring about myself. I f I want to eat , I eat , smoke , I smoke and the same for gambling. i rob peter to pay paul . The guilt builds and the excuses make me appear more like a victim! I hate this life that I have created with my choices. I hate who I have become. I want it done and over with. I really think if i wasn't still raising a 13 yr old I would just let it all go.  It has gotten to big and out of control. I don't know how to stop it.

loriscrazi loriscrazi
May 20, 2012