Wish Someone Would Put Me Out Of My Misery

  I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I just feel ruined and like I don't have a purpose. I'm not afraid to die and I would kill myself but it's considered a sin so that's why I don't. I'm so frustrated because I just want to hurt myself so bad right now. I've been a cutter since I was 16 and it makes me feel better but I'm scared to do it now because my shrink says if anybody see's it they will force me into a psychiatric hospital and my husband will defiantly see and he might literally rip off what ever I'm concealing it with and expose me to someone whom then will probably call the psych ward.

 So I just turned 21 I hate the taste of alcohol but I'm considering becoming an alcoholic. I've never been drunk so I'm not sure if it will make me feel better. I'm also considering anorexia. I don't know I can't explain why I just like to physically hurt myself. And I need to find a new way because I feel like I'm losing it and this will somehow make it better.

  I guess I mostly resort to hurting myself because it makes me feel better because literally nobody cares about me. And I'm not being a whiny ***** when I say this, seriously nobody cares about me. My only relationships are my husband and my Grandmother. I have no friends and no family in my life anymore do to some unfortunate situations.
 
So my uncle (grandmother's son) had a brain aneurysm and is now paralyzed from the waste down. So you start talking about your problems and her answer is nobody has it as bad as my paralyzed uncle.

And I think my husband has just tired of me. I'm not beautiful anymore. ( I don't know if I was ever beautiful but I was physically 45 better looking). I was kind of successful I seemed to have a lot of potential I had a relatively high paying job for my age and experience. And I'm relatively smart I was taking college classes for highschool. Since then I had to quit my job and I've not been successful with my education.

He's brought up divorce several times in the last year. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me like he used to because he's definitely not as affectionate or passionate as he was in the past. He stopped having sex with me too it went from every day to once a month for over a year now. We used to be practically attached at the hip. And now he won't touch me. No hug, no kiss, no hand holding or any type of closeness and that's really important to me.

I think he expected me to be more successful and support him while he succeeded in his education and I failed. I was the bread winner and I failed at everything. So I think I've dissapointed him so much and become so useless that he is just tired of me.

I can't work or continue my education because I have panic disorder with agoraphobia. And that's basically where you're afraid of people and usually confined to your home. I've probably had this problem since my first year of middle school but it was diagnosed in 2010. It sounded a little ridiculous to me at first but then thinking about it more it explained so much that I just didn't have an answer for. I get shakey when I talk to people, I'm socially awkward, I experience dizziness. I can't go Walmart without getting feverish, shakey, and dizzy. Sometimes I have to pull over on the side of the road because someone was tailing my car and I started to get dizzy and that would be bad if I blacked out while driving.

I probably have panic disorder because of child abuse I don't want to get into it but the high lights are father is bi polar, mother is a bipolar prostitute and drug addict, my step dad likes little girls, and my foster parents are evil and there son likes to force himself on pretty girls and that's okay with them. Child molestation, beatings, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, and I probably developed panic disorder right after my Dad beat me up really bad, kicked me in the back with steel toe boots, dragged me onto the sofa, and he choked me until I started to go unconscious. I thought I was really going to die and that's the earliest time I remember symptoms of agoraphobia and panic disorder starting to show.

Anyway I've never liked myself I've been thinking about suicide since I was 12 years old and now I just feel stuck. And life's just been stupid and unfair. I thought I would go to college and get a good job and be able to live happily ever after. But I've been damned to be a loser and never get the things I want in life because of the crap that's happened to me in the past.

I married a great guy he's intelligent and he was so good looking any girl would have been jealous. But I've just dragged him down with me now he sleeps all the time, he lost his job, he gained more weight than I did, and he's doing poorly in his classes. Pharmacy school declined him 3 times now. We had to move in with his parents which is not only not fun but extremely hard on me.


I have this fear that he's given up on life as much as I have now and we're never going to get anywhere. And I don't have anyone left in this world and I feel like he's already gone.
nicolelu nicolelu
18-21
May 22, 2012