So Tired Of Being Me

Growing up, my life wasn't bad. My family had quite a bit of money, I had two parents who, while divorced, I saw both regularly still, and I always got sent to nice schools. I wasn't happy though. My mom and I have never gotten along and at times have gotten into physical fights. Mostly they were verbal though and those were worse.

At school, I was introverted and boring. I never really had any friends except for my two last years in middle school, but we all drifted apart once we got to high school. I was socially awkward and not shy, but quiet. I got ok grades and high test scores which enabled me to be put into the advanced classes. I liked the idea of these more than the actual class since I never did my homework. My average grades in high school were Cs because I would score well on exams but get 0s on homework.

Fast forward to now, I'm 20 and I don't have a job. I still barely have any friends. The one I do have who I would consider a good friend isn't even in the country for half the year because of her job. All I do is mooch off my mom for rent and gas money and everything else since I have no job/money of my own. If I could afford it, I think I probably would have become a druggie years ago because I love that release. I do regularly abuse prescription opiates and benzos, but I am not addicted (and not just saying that - honestly, I'm not)

All of my recent 'happy memories' have been at parties where I've been higher than high on some sort of upper. I rarely feel happy any other time. I am still socially awkward and quiet, but not as much. The entire time I am talking to someone though I have no confidence. In my head, I'm thinking of all the reasons why they must not like me and I dissect every move and word they say to interpret that I am annoying them/they are only talking to me because they feel sorry for me/etc. I know that's probably not true in most cases because I'm not an amazingly nice person, but I'm not a bad person either. People wouldn't have a reason to dislike me in one conversation. But I almost always leave new people I've met feeling as if I'm the most useless, dumb person on the planet.

My mom was always weird about food and dieting and I picked up on some of that. If I think back to elementary and middle school, I remember myself as being the chubby kid. But then looking back at photos, I wasn't chubby at all. I was a normal, averagely skinny girl. In high school it got worse and I stopped eating some meals. By college, I was restricting pretty heavily and was fairly underweight. Then, once I had the freedom of an almost private dorm room (roommate ended up staying with her boyfriend almost 24/7) and parents 3000 miles away, I began to binge and purge. I gained quite a bit of weight and went back into the average weight range. I wasn't chubby still, but I wasn't thin either. So I went back to restricting after realizing how fat I had gotten and a year or so later, had to be hospitalized for anorexia. 

In the hospital, the got me back up to normal weight but I was very depressed. I had cut since about the 6th grade, but I began to really cut then. Like big gashes and I now have an entire leg so covered in scars I'll never be able to wear shorts again without someone thinking I'm a burn victim or something. 

Right now, I feel so worthless. I've applied to literally hundreds of jobs (everything from things in my field to Mcdonalds) and have only had three jobs since I've been 16 and none now that I really need one. I feel guilty for making my mom have to work harder to support me and knowing that my sister can't get the same things I had when I was her age (a car, or concert tickets, just nice things) because I suck all the money that I have no right to in order to pay for a life where I do nothing. I feel like people don't like me and I'll never have any sort of relationships and any bridges I do have, I burn by being an antisocial bum.

This is long and isn't even everything, but I just feel like I'm at a dead end right now.
lalalissie lalalissie
1 Response May 23, 2012

Your story relates to me.