I Want It To All Go Away

I never hated anyone more than I hate myself at this point. I cant stand it, I think of what I do and how I am.. Right now I am living with a man or more like using him, for what, what does he get out of it all. I dont know why he allows me to stay and give me anything and everything I want, is he doing this just to pity me? If he is then I want nothing to do with it.. I should be happy to have someone that wants to provide me with everything I need, but I am not . I hate that I am using him, and I think it is time for me to leave. I need to get out of here, I am hating myself even more now that I realize all I am doing is using this poor man. He doesnt deserve that...

I hate myself for a lot of things that I have done, I cant even remember all the ****** up things I have done in my life because there is so many.. I dont deserve to walk this earth anymore.. I guess right now the biggest thing that is getting to me is my baby is gone because of what I did.. I had an abortion because it was the right thing to do in everyone elses eyes but mine. I should of never done it just to make everyone else happy, to make them stop telling me I am selfish to continue on with the pregnancy knowing that the baby would never make it and if it did it wouldnt be able to live a happy life, to stop them from telling me that it was the best thing for me and my baby, and to just stop all of it from happening. Its the worse mistake of my life. Some people say to get over it, what is done is done you cant change it. I know this but you for you tell me to get over losing my baby a peice of me is like telling a cancer paitent to heal theirselves. I am tired of hearing it, I am tired of thinking about, and most of all I am tired of feeling the pain.. I want it to all go away, but i know it wont.. I will always hate myself for doing it..

imperfectbeauty imperfectbeauty
18-21, F
3 Responses May 24, 2012

I know what it feels like when everyone's been telling you that you need to do this and that. Never even asked if it's the thing that you really wanted to do. This world, this life, everything just sucks. The only time I find peace and love is when I'm on my knees, praying to God, knowing that there's a day when He'll come take us home, a place where there will be no pain, no tears, no more people pushing us around telling us what we need to do. And that thing with abortion, please stop beating yourself about it. I guess it's enough that you recognize it's wrong and you're really sorry for what you have done. There's forgiveness, mercy, love, and grace in God's arms. Say a prayer. Open up the Bible. God bless you. And please know that God loves you!

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. You love and care for them so much that it causes you this pain. I hope you don't lose that sensitivity and care because it is a special gift. This experience can make you a stronger person and I hope it does. Sending love and prayers for you<br />
-bikelet

I don't hate you.<br />
As I said in my other comment, ask this guy about how he feels about the whole thing. Maybe, like me, he just wants to help, he just cares.<br />
<br />
I know it's really weird b/c your family hated you, scapegoated you, blamed all their problems on you and used you for a stress relief valve to scream at and hit.<br />
<br />
We don't hate you, know you haven't caused our problems, care about you, want you to heal and get better.<br />
<br />
When you do get better, determine you're going to pay it all back somehow. But first, you have to get better to do that. So get working on getting better. You need therapy, immediately!