Are Some People Naturally Fatalistic?I honestly thought that this is something that I would have overcome by now; the rational side of me thinks that this is ridiculous, to hate myself this much, to actually enjoy the idea of my own downfall. To find it rather amusing and entertaining, almost as if I'm a spectator, watching the spectacle of myself falling apart. I realize that there is a part of me that feels powerful because of this, that I can actually influence this, make myself less healthy, just let things happen to myself and fall apart.
I feel like I'm not even after overcoming this anymore; I try to remember thoughts I have during these 'episodes' and write them down. Basically, I'm always expecting someone to hit me with something, I always feel that the knives are out, and I remember thinking, "You know what? Let's put all the cards on the table. Let's just get it over with. I know I'll lose, but by God, I'll go down swinging!"
It's odd that it does come in these episodes, these ups and downs. I'm at my happiest when I'm not thinking about myself, when I have something else to focus on. But this is a real part of me, and I do fear that I am capable of doing some real damage in this state.