Are Some People Naturally Fatalistic?

I honestly thought that this is something that I would have overcome by now; the rational side of me thinks that this is ridiculous, to hate myself this much, to actually enjoy the idea of my own downfall. To find it rather amusing and entertaining, almost as if I'm a spectator, watching the spectacle of myself falling apart. I realize that there is a part of me that feels powerful because of this, that I can actually influence this, make myself less healthy, just let things happen to myself and fall apart.

I feel like I'm not even after overcoming this anymore; I try to remember thoughts I have during these 'episodes' and write them down. Basically, I'm always expecting someone to hit me with something, I always feel that the knives are out, and I remember thinking, "You know what? Let's put all the cards on the table. Let's just get it over with. I know I'll lose, but by God, I'll go down swinging!"

It's odd that it does come in these episodes, these ups and downs. I'm at my happiest when I'm not thinking about myself, when I have something else to focus on. But this is a real part of me, and I do fear that I am capable of doing some real damage in this state.
WellOWell WellOWell
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 29, 2012

I know that place, i have been there. Its just fear and it can be a prison. You dont really hate yourself. You are in a place where you are more comfortable falling apart and you are terrified of having hope, faith and trying to get up and then still ending up falling. You are scared of being disappointed so you rather skip the being hopeful and trying to get better part and go right into the falling apart stage. its like losing before u try coz u believe that u will lose anywhere.<br />
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I want to dare you. Stop caring so much about your fear or the hate you feel for yourself. And just know you are worth every ounce of love and happiness in the world. I want u to see a beautiful woman wen you look in the mirror that no one would resist to love. You owe it to yourself to try and just because you havent overcome these feelings now it doesnt mean you never will. Never never never give up. Tell your fears '' this woman aint going no where but the top''. I wish you all the best