Hating Myself..

“Dictionary defines facts as instances which are to be accepted or unpalatable. We have to end up accepting them because they exist as such. No one can change them. The same can be applied to our past. Whatever we do, we cannot deny it..It is merely an illusion..a memory, yet it exists..waiting to remind us of the instances that happened and sadly they cannot be altered..
If they could be altered then I would go back to September 15, 2010 and never meet the person who completely shattered me later.

I was 16 back then, a wide eyed innocent kid..waiting to explore the world. Being sixteen a lot of changes took place in my life. I met him for the first time and within months fell madly in love with him. But things had to go wrong. He wanted me to change. Funny isn't it how you could change so much for an approval of another human being? I changed myself to fit a person he would adore.
But I was never enough for him. However hard I tried he always found faults in me. Either I dint dress well enough or dint look pretty enough, either me being in the basket ball team gained his dislike more towards me or me being who I am gained his disrespect.
I dint even realize when I started hating myself, I was completely losing myself over time.

A year later I changed into a depressed person. I faked laughs, preferred to be alone most of the time and completely depended on him to give me solace.
On September 22, 2011, I went through the most traumatic experience of my life. I was raped by his friend. I trusted him and he sold me to the dogs. I remember his friend coming behind me and grabbing me, I remember struggling as his hands moved on my body, I gave up then and just let it happen... this left me deeply engraved with emotional scars.

When I reached home I lay on my bed trying to erase my memory for the past 24 hours. I dint want to believe that the one person I trusted and loved beyond imagination could do something like this to me. I felt cheap. I suddenly despised myself for trusting him. I felt weak and disgusted by my body, I hated myself for not struggling more. Hot white pain vibrated through me. For just an instance I dint want to be me anymore. I wanted to be anyone but me .
I realised then that I was drowning. I needed help..I needed someone by my side so I ran to him to shelter me from my pain but he shut me out. He left me alone in the worst storm.

For 3 days I pretended as if nothing happened but I was completely shattering from inside. I was breaking apart. The pain moved slowly in me, absorbing every part of me, inching me closer to my end. I refused to look at myself in the mirror, I hated my very shadow, I cringed at the thought of a person like me existing. I was disgusted by whoever I happened to be. After 3 days of sleepless nights and complete isolation I finally gave up. At 3 a.m on 25 September I locked myself in the washroom and cut my hand 24 times. Each time I sliced my hand open I felt much calmer. It dint hurt me as much as I was hurt mentally and emotionally. I remember falling on the cold floor in my own blood. I felt faint and I was finally at peace. Knowing that my existence will no longer remain gave me the peace I craved for and so I prayed I lied on the floor and uttered a last prayer of forgiveness and begged to God to kill me, end the pain once and for all and then I fainted.

Ironically I was alive even after I cut myself open 24 times . I survived....but I knew that I completely died inside. I dint feel anything at all. I became a wary ghost of myself. I was breathing yet was I ?. I imitated others, I laughed when others laughed, I smiled when they smiled, this is how I learned to survive. I surrounded myself with a web of fake reality.

Like a ray of light in the deepest shadows, a helping hand to an almost drowned man, a drop of blessed rain to a suffering crop is the way I imagined someone would come in my life and save me from myself.

This is the first time I am writing about what happened to me. No one knows what exactly happened.  I have finally mustered enough guts to write about it. Even today the hate within me for myself hadn't extinguished completely. . 2 years later I still feel dead sometimes. I learned to laugh, feel happy....I learned to feel alive all because a few treasured gems of my life who stood beside me when I was engulfed in darkness. But then and again the shadows of my past still haunt me and I end up starting from square one of my journey again... that's when I feel lost, completely lost
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2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Remember that you are not alone. there are many right now sitting in a corner in their room felling hurt, feeling broken. there are many who right now would be trying to give up, to quit, all alone, their lives shrouded in darkness. No you never are alone, and you never will be.

Everyone of us has the power to inflict pain on others. especially if someone places their trust in us. Like you did. but were you wrong in doing so? Was it a mistake? No. What happened will cause suffering to you. maybe you could have brought justice to them and didn't. However, that never would be a reason to hate yourself, for even if you had done something about it you'd still have your own life to live. And the only time you should feel bad is when you are unable deal justice to yourself.

Don't let a worthless existence (like that of those 2 guys) affect your life. Next time you look at those marks on your wrists remember that. You have a lot to give to people around you. And you are young, You are yet to meet a lot of people. some would be as bad as those 2. But some would bring joy to you. I pray you meet the second kind real soon, that is, if you haven't already.

This is heart touching and i feel sad for you ! but you need to move on .. stop hating yourself it was in no way your fault , so dont blame it on you ! hugs !

yeah its ok .. healing takes time ! you will eventually just dont loose hope :)