Who I Am? What Kind Of Persons That I Became? What The Hell Am Doing In This Life?

Who I am? What kind of persons that i became? what the hell am doing in this life? what am trying to do? why am still a live? If am dead now, can i feel relife and good? what am fiting for? why am trying to be worry about there comfture? should i be selfish? what........what .......what ........... what.........

Alot of questions cross my mind from time to time, atkes me to places that i never want to be. feeling gelty when i want to do the things i want to do when i don it i feel baaaaaaaaaaad teruple. most of the time i feel that i live in the wrong place i never asked for help and got it or question and got the answer.

sorry for this begianing but here is my story;

i am a femail, 28 years old living in the medil east. i have 3 sistrs and one brother. mom and dad are sperated long time a go (really i don't have problem with this)

in the beganing of my life am alwys weired and diffrent of my two older sisters am active they are not i have alots of friends and they don't i like kind of music, traying new things any way with my 1st exprience in life it was my highschool and i get faild 2 times so i drop it and took a break, and studay something in managment for one year then i got work in that perioed i was keep trying to get my degree but no hope. but i didn't make let me down.

i never had a boyfriend like the other girls specially am not good to aproch a guy, and i never felt that i need a BF when am in school.

when am around 24 I've changed my job to another company and i get really bored in the 1st 6 months so i did my research online for dating for fun and i meet tow ppl, one of them he kissed me my first french kiss and the first person of life he get that close to me, he where hansum and we where friends with benifits as he named it we had sex once but when i get home i felt bad (am still virgen) any way i alwys felt that am not that arabic person who like to stuck with roles and don't do this or do that but the person who opend my eyes was the 2nd guy who becam my BF for 4 years and we had problem in our relationship and both agreed that we will not get married and i get engaged bfore two years ago and he where a really not meture person and he can't hadle any resposiblity anyway after one year and half with confsing my family that he not good person for marridge finly we sperated after one year and half.

my X BF experinced everything to gather the fun the love the sex get drunk the romantic feeling everything after i left him and geting engaged i realise am becam a boring person who cut off from life with my EX and he is not my match and with my X Fiance who is not my match eather.

SO i decied to find a freind who i can hanging out with do things with me without sex becouse i don't want this, but every one who i meet think of secually, what sall i do ??? anyway i meet someone who have diffrent religion yunger and funny and i like with good back ground who match to be my freind as my friend and everything was fine we exprience the hanging out on rides, going to clubs twice coz i cant do it alone all that behind my family back (i love my mom to dith and i don't like her to know that am a bad person or not the doughter that she knows but i like this kind of life and i couldn't try it when i was a teenager becouse i was helping my mom in her shop i couldn't meet ppl like my mintatlity which where hidden until i got the chance) but this my freind kissed me twice and i force him and we had a destance around two months (he is weired a lil he desipre once a wail) and i felt bad becouse i mised my funny friend who i can do with him the things that i like.

anyway there is someone who i new thrue my work asking me alwys to going out togather and i never aproved, i didn't want to get back to that zon with guys who don't know how to deal with me and i was right. but my friends told me why not give ur self a try but i didn't want to get out with him alone so i alwys went out with as group or with my close frinds and she told me regarding to his atitude with me that he likes me big time and not like a normal friend so when he asked me twice to going out with him he let me down once when he missed our appointment and 2nd time when he get busy whil we are out and let me with his GF and his cousine alone with boring time and weired atitude (i think she is n love with him) this guy when where going out togather we had fun and i liked his personality and atitude with me and my freinds but when we are togather it dosn't work out so i need to get home with this guy so i calld my FRIEND/ the yunger guy/ that i need someone to drop me off.

anyway we get back togather as before that we are oky, hanging out have a drink BUT he kissed me agine he said he can't not kissing me coz he likes me and once he sow me he got the feeling.

anyway i want to get out of the city and after long discutions with mom to confence her to sleep over i went with him to (*****city) it was nice and we had sex. i don't know why i feel bad i where exited and happy for doing this be away of everything. maybe becouse he is not the one (as a lover) or maybe becouse we had a conversation of he would never find a girl to marry her becouse all the girls had sex before (i put my self in his position what if i meet a guy that i like him and he wont be with me for what i've don) why i becam over limit like this, am a bad person am just alwys meet the bad persons who say things herts me, all of them show me that they are open minded and oky with everything but in some points they show up some of the other face.

am i go so far and being bich, but the ppl that i knew are few and don't show ppl that i don't really trust who really i am.

what is this feeling.

Black R
BlackR BlackR
26-30, F
Sep 18, 2012