I Hope They Could Read This

I am fighting my own demons. But since I can’t see them, I treat people around me as one. I can’t think right now. I am sorry for my shortcomings but I don’t want to attack you guys for nothing. I need to find my purpose, other than being a burden to you guys. I think I just want to run away. Actually, I am wondering why I am even alive as I am sure that there must be other souls, people that deserve to live more than me. If I could die, at times and places of my own choosing I mean, I would like to die while looking at the stars, the Milky Way as I lie on the soft grass. The place is much like the field in front of the museum, just without the lights from the city to mar my view of the stars. I hope my real endings would be without pains but considering my sins, I really doubt that. If only I could understand, who I am and my purposes, maybe I could belong. But first thing first, I would like to thank everyone I ever interacted with, directly or indirectly, you may scar me, you may light up my world but without all of you, I might have ended my life even sooner. I feel empty now. To those who stayed by me, I am sorry that this is my thanks for your efforts. I wish everything ended differently. God, how I wish I could change everything. My name means the light of the religion and happiness but it seems that I couldn’t live up to my name and instead I tarnished everything. Sometime I wonder what if I am a user. Maybe I would be much worse than I am now but maybe I could achieve peace that the drug users have during their high. I am not suicidal although I am tempted to end it all right now. Everything is going downhill but I don’t know, I don’t think I will kill myself. But if I end up dead sometime near future, before I could slay my demons, I would like to think that someone have heard my dearest wish and help me to realize it. I wish to say sorry to those who cared for me and to say thank you for every efforts they tried to save me from myself. I suppose I should tell them all of these face-to-face but I have never been the one who are able to open up to another person, at least those who matter the most to me.
yuexkyo2 yuexkyo2
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 19, 2012

I lash out at people because i'm severely depressed, when you feel so miserable it just makes everyone around you so irritating... even if you don't mean to be cruel. I contemplate suicide as well... similar to you except laying in my bed... maybe watching my favorite tv show, falling asleep, and never waking up again. This thoughts are irrational though, whenever you get those feelings, i personally hit a punching bag ( or a pillow or something ) or scream in my car. Relives alot of stress crazy enough! Also you need to look yourself in the mirror everyday and just talk to yourself, tell yourself everything will be okay, calm yourself down, become your best friend, truly love yourself, and you'll build up a wall nobody can take down. It's tough and takes time though, i'm still trying to build my wall. Stay postive, when you reach a deep hole of depression thoughts become really irrational, you won't always feel this way, nobody ever does. Especially if you're reaching out like this and trying to get help. Message me if you ever need to vent, i'll liisten :)

Ok...as far as lashing out at people? That's one of the symptoms of Major Depression.
I am medicated so I can leave my superb!tch suit in the closet.
I am in therapy. If you can afford to go see a good one, do so.
If not, this is a bit cheaper: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

I suggest basic breath counting meditation also. I find medication and meditation make me able to be the person I want to be to others. They also help me to have moments of clarity and happiness.

So go get help, and practice this: http://salemos.tripod.com/index-20.html For about 20 minutes a day.

Yeah, I really hate the way I treat people around me but I cannot help hurting them emotionally. But unfortunately when I see my therapist, I became I terrific liar and said everything was okay. Or that I just blanked and just shrugged to everything she said. It seems that I really cannot share my real feelings face-to-face.

How about printing the story you wrote here out and taking it to her? Or journaling and letting her read the journal?

It's not always easy getting through the shame and fear to honesty.