I Despise Myself

I have always felt that I was never good enough to do what I and others expected of me. From the time I was very young I was told that I was a loser, and when I became fat I was called a fat loser. I was hit a lot for things that often were not my fault, and when I cried from the punishment I was called gay.

Since those early years I have grown up hating myself because I feel that no matter what I do nothing will ever be good enough. I had a 4.0 GPA last year in my college courses and still that was not good enough for me. I go around in life whether at campus, at home, or out in other public places and feel that people are looking at me, judging me for my obvious faults and dismissing me as a nonentity unworthy of their attention.

I am indeed fat, and I have been since I was a young boy and it kills me everyday to even go out in public especially at school because most people are so fit and I am the exact opposite. I have a few good friends of similar body composition and they don't seem to be as bothered by it and if they are they hide it well.

I hate my body and because of that I feel that I can't do anything right, All I have ever been good at is school related things. It is getting to the point that I feel that I cannot do anything, that I am wasting my life but at the same time should never have been born.

I feel that these are all paltry issues compared to what many people go through but I feel depressed all the time because I have become the thing that I most hate: fat loser with few friends, never had a girlfriend and I can't do the simplest things without screwing up. Sometimes my friends call me stupid jokingly but I know that I really am a fool.

In short I am allowing the things I was constantly called and the way I was treated as a child to bother me in my adult life and it has made me my own worst enemy because I tell myself all these things. I am skipping class today because I am depressed, I get a heaviness about me that weakens my body and makes my head hurt everytime this happens which is at least once a week and can last for several days. I tell self deprecating jokes that my friends sometimes find funny but in reality I mean these things about myself.

I know that many people on here have had rougher lives and that I need to get over myself and do something to fix the issues that I have but everytime depression hits me like a sledgehammer and makes sure that I cannot do anything other than mope around and make myself and my best friend who is also my college roommate have a bad day. I wish I could change, that I could tell someone other than my friend about these problems which is why I am posting it on here.

I hate myself for all the things that I am not: attractive, fit, smart, charming and personable. I hate myself for the things that others tell me I am good at because a voice in my head tells me they are meanignless in the grand scheme of things. I hate myself for allowing these issues to cripple my emotional and social life to the point that I barely have one. I hate myself for walking around everyday either looking like I am angry or high to the people around me. I hate myself because no one wants to initiate conversation with me because of the way I appear to be and because I don't have the willpower to initiate conversation with them.

If there is anyone on here that knows what I am going through then please let me know something that could help me because I am tired of feeling this way. I feel like a disgusting fat blob that has no future and will end up dieing alone and a disapointment to myself and those that I care about.

Heisenberg316 Heisenberg316
1 Response Sep 21, 2012

Why can I not see the response that was posted on here?