The Woman In The MirrorOn nights like tonight. I sometimes wonder what others see in myself when at times I can't even see whats so special about me. Here the past 3-4 months. I've been extremely depressed and completely distant from those who matter the absolute most to me. At times I just want to scream and go crazy but at the same time I understand that not only do I have to be sane for those who live in the same household as me but I have to keep sane for myself. I'm sure a lot of those who are reading this may not have guessed I am as depressed as I'm going to write about. I am an extremely *do it yourself type of person* and at times it leads to loosing communication with those who you love and care about most and on top of that, disappointing those who don't deserve it, and I, Christine Marie Smith, is an extremely amazing example of what not to do when wanting to keep friends near and dear to your heart.
I don't know whats wrong with me. I really don't. My whole life I've been so caught up in the whole keeping up a good perspective of myself but in all honesty. I'm no better than anyone else or any worse than the next person. I am perfectly flawed in all aspects of my life. Not only am I battling a life with agoraphobia but I'm battling myself and trying to fight back the nasty person I once was.
I'm a person with incredible insecurities, hate in my heart, jealous of the world, and doesn't understand how to be a true family member or friend. I've always been this way since I could remember. I was insecure because growing up I wasn't pretty at all. I had to rely on a personality and I've always felt second best in everything. If I made a friend or best friend. I was always afraid of being replaced, being put on the back burner and in most cases my worries came true. Once someone "cooler" or "funner" came along I was no longer that best friend. In relationships I'm incredible insecure because I don't feel pretty and as easy as it is to point the finger at someone else and say because he cheated on me, he made me this way but in all honesty. I've created this mind full of insecurites long long long long ago.
Growing up wasn't easy. I was the only child. I never understood the whole running to someone in time of need and even till this day it isn't even my book of "things to do in life" I still can't grasp onto the concept of asking for help. I hate to do it because I feel weak, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. I never feel comfortable talking about my problems or even about myself. I grew up to put myself second and in the end I think it bite me right in my ***. I'm not a selfish person at all and even till this day it's hard to put myself first because my first priority is helping others and again at times it bit me hard and I'm paying for it because I easily come across as someone with a helping hand who can afford to help at all times of the day but in reality I should be more worried about helping myself because making a better me will make me a better friend/family memeber/ lover or whatever it is that god has planned for me.
As for the hate in my heart. I carry a lot of baggage along with me. I have hurt people and people have hurt me and for the most part I know I am capable of forgiving because I have forgiven some people that I never thought I could forgive and I have but then theres that paper roll that rolls out the way out to china filled with people who I hate and as much as that breaks my heart I do. I haven't found a way to not only forgive those who have hurt me but the most important person I have yet to forgive is Me, myself. I've done so many bad things in my life and as the quote goes if I could turn back time and change something would you? Most people would say no because a lot of the times the bad and the hard times is what brought the wonderful you in this world and even though all the bad that I have endured made me become a better person, I would turn back time in a heart beat. I would take back every bad word I've said about someone. I woudn't have hurt people on purpose because they hurt me, and most of all I wouldn't have fought fire with gasoline. It was easy to pour gasoline onto that fire I've created instead of putting it out with something as simple as water but I was about revenge and in the end it only made me feel worse and made me hate not those who hurt me but myself. So many times I wish I could have just turned around and not have had a chance to fight fire with gasoline and to simply let the fire burn out on it's own but of course not. I was wanting them to hurt as badly as I was hurt myself.
And the thing that absolutely hate about myself is that I so easily allow those who matter the most to me walk away. And when I mean walk away. I mean them getting fed up with me not being a good friend like I should be. Being there when they need me most, communicating on a pretty decent basis and updating them on my life but their life as well. If I knew why I did the things I did, I don't think I'd be human and most importantly I wouldn't be perfectly flawed person I am today but what bothers me is my incapability to keep in touch with those who matter most to me. Keeping in touch is probably the biggest downfall that I have in my life. I've never been capable to keep friends and I sometimes go searching for why I do it and I've yet again came empty handed with a million of ? marks remaining in my brain. I wish I knew why I do that, or how to fix it other than to keep in touch but it's not that simple for me. I don't know why I really don't and the only conclusion I have came up with is that I am an only child but then again to me it seems like its just excuse after excuse.
I can remember all the times when people wanted to hang out with me in school and instead of being honest and saying hey I just don't feel like hanging up. I would lie all the time and make up an excuse as to why I didn't want hang out. I'd have an excuse after another when it came to finding a reason to not hang out but when it came to anything else, the truth was easy it was just the lying that was the hardest part. Lying for god knows why and not understanding why telling the simple truth seemed so out of reach. Phone calls, text messaging, messaging, emailing and all that gets to me sometimes. Not that it has anything to do with the people that I'm messaging, texting, or talking to on the phone I just don't know how to turn the habits I've made out of stone turn into something that is easy to remodel. It's like tearing apart something completely damanaged and just impossible to make it work and then fixing it, giving it new parts, and extremely hard work on it to make it a completely new device that was once a useless ob
I try to give the best of me and maybe a lot of times I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I keep everyone else happy but at times forgetting that I too have to be happy. I don't know what a middle ground is. I once thought I did but here the past 3-4 months a middle ground is now only beginning to look like the lowest part of the ground. There is no up from there. I remain at the lowest floor with no room to go up. No stairs, or elevator. Just me and the lowest floor to walk along. I know while writing this the tears I'm crying are in hopes to not loose those who mean a lot to me. I'm not perfect and I will never ever claim to be a perfect person/friend/ lover/ family member but I do know is that the most important thing for me to do is be a better me and when I can do that then I can become a better person in all aspects of this world and even though I may not contact you in months at a time, or even longer (because yes at times I do, do that) that it doesn't mean that I am mad at you, hate you, lost interest in you, or anything in that sorts but if at all just know that I'm away becoming a better person so that when we talk next that I can be the best that I can be and be the best at whatever it is that I am with you. I think, I worry, I love, and I absolutely admire , and care about each and every single one of you guys I've made relationships with. I am never too far but in those times of non communication. Your in my heart and in my thoughts, and in my prayers.
I just pray that I can figure out how to be a better friend to all of you guys and that one day I can regroup, and start over with each and every single one of you guys. <3