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The Woman In The Mirror

On nights like tonight. I sometimes wonder what others see in myself when at times I can't even see whats so special about me. Here the past 3-4 months. I've been extremely depressed and completely distant from those who matter the absolute most to me. At times I just want to scream and go crazy but at the same time I understand that not only do I have to be sane for those who live in the same household as me but I have to keep sane for myself. I'm sure a lot of those who are reading this may not have guessed I am as depressed as I'm going to write about. I am an extremely *do it yourself type of person* and at times it leads to loosing communication with those who you love and care about most and on top of that, disappointing those who don't deserve it, and I, Christine Marie Smith, is an extremely amazing example of what not to do when wanting to keep friends near and dear to your heart.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I really don't. My whole life I've been so caught up in the whole keeping up a good perspective of myself but in all honesty. I'm no better than anyone else or any worse than the next person. I am perfectly flawed in all aspects of my life. Not only am I battling a life with agoraphobia but I'm battling myself and trying to fight back the nasty person I once was.

I'm a person with incredible insecurities, hate in my heart, jealous of the world, and doesn't understand how to be a true family member or friend. I've always been this way since I could remember. I was insecure because growing up I wasn't pretty at all. I had to rely on a personality and I've always felt second best in everything. If I made a friend or best friend. I was always afraid of being replaced, being put on the back burner and in most cases my worries came true. Once someone "cooler" or "funner" came along I was no longer that best friend. In relationships I'm incredible insecure because I don't feel pretty and as easy as it is to point the finger at someone else and say because he cheated on me, he made me this way but in all honesty. I've created this mind full of insecurites long long long long ago.

Growing up wasn't easy. I was the only child. I never understood the whole running to someone in time of need and even till this day it isn't even my book of "things to do in life" I still can't grasp onto the concept of asking for help. I hate to do it because I feel weak, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. I never feel comfortable talking about my problems or even about myself. I grew up to put myself second and in the end I think it bite me right in my ***. I'm not a selfish person at all and even till this day it's hard to put myself first because my first priority is helping others and again at times it bit me hard and I'm paying for it because I easily come across as someone with a helping hand who can afford to help at all times of the day but in reality I should be more worried about helping myself because making a better me will make me a better friend/family memeber/ lover or whatever it is that god has planned for me.

As for the hate in my heart. I carry a lot of baggage along with me. I have hurt people and people have hurt me and for the most part I know I am capable of forgiving because I have forgiven some people that I never thought I could forgive and I have but then theres that paper roll that rolls out the way out to china filled with people who I hate and as much as that breaks my heart I do. I haven't found a way to not only forgive those who have hurt me but the most important person I have yet to forgive is Me, myself. I've done so many bad things in my life and as the quote goes if I could turn back time and change something would you? Most people would say no because a lot of the times the bad and the hard times is what brought the wonderful you in this world and even though all the bad that I have endured made me become a better person, I would turn back time in a heart beat. I would take back every bad word I've said about someone. I woudn't have hurt people on purpose because they hurt me, and most of all I wouldn't have fought fire with gasoline. It was easy to pour gasoline onto that fire I've created instead of putting it out with something as simple as water but I was about revenge and in the end it only made me feel worse and made me hate not those who hurt me but myself. So many times I wish I could have just turned around and not have had a chance to fight fire with gasoline and to simply let the fire burn out on it's own but of course not. I was wanting them to hurt as badly as I was hurt myself.

And the thing that absolutely hate about myself is that I so easily allow those who matter the most to me walk away. And when I mean walk away. I mean them getting fed up with me not being a good friend like I should be. Being there when they need me most, communicating on a pretty decent basis and updating them on my life but their life as well. If I knew why I did the things I did, I don't think I'd be human and most importantly I wouldn't be perfectly flawed person I am today but what bothers me is my incapability to keep in touch with those who matter most to me. Keeping in touch is probably the biggest downfall that I have in my life. I've never been capable to keep friends and I sometimes go searching for why I do it and I've yet again came empty handed with a million of ? marks remaining in my brain. I wish I knew why I do that, or how to fix it other than to keep in touch but it's not that simple for me. I don't know why I really don't and the only conclusion I have came up with is that I am an only child but then again to me it seems like its just excuse after excuse.

I can remember all the times when people wanted to hang out with me in school and instead of being honest and saying hey I just don't feel like hanging up. I would lie all the time and make up an excuse as to why I didn't want hang out. I'd have an excuse after another when it came to finding a reason to not hang out but when it came to anything else, the truth was easy it was just the lying that was the hardest part. Lying for god knows why and not understanding why telling the simple truth seemed so out of reach. Phone calls, text messaging, messaging, emailing and all that gets to me sometimes. Not that it has anything to do with the people that I'm messaging, texting, or talking to on the phone I just don't know how to turn the habits I've made out of stone turn into something that is easy to remodel. It's like tearing apart something completely damanaged and just impossible to make it work and then fixing it, giving it new parts, and extremely hard work on it to make it a completely new device that was once a useless object. Thats how I feel at times, especialy when it comes to letting down the people who don't deserve it.

I try to give the best of me and maybe a lot of times I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I keep everyone else happy but at times forgetting that I too have to be happy. I don't know what a middle ground is. I once thought I did but here the past 3-4 months a middle ground is now only beginning to look like the lowest part of the ground. There is no up from there. I remain at the lowest floor with no room to go up. No stairs, or elevator. Just me and the lowest floor to walk along. I know while writing this the tears I'm crying are in hopes to not loose those who mean a lot to me. I'm not perfect and I will never ever claim to be a perfect person/friend/ lover/ family member but I do know is that the most important thing for me to do is be a better me and when I can do that then I can become a better person in all aspects of this world and even though I may not contact you in months at a time, or even longer (because yes at times I do, do that) that it doesn't mean that I am mad at you, hate you, lost interest in you, or anything in that sorts but if at all just know that I'm away becoming a better person so that when we talk next that I can be the best that I can be and be the best at whatever it is that I am with you. I think, I worry, I love, and I absolutely admire , and care about each and every single one of you guys I've made relationships with. I am never too far but in those times of non communication. Your in my heart and in my thoughts, and in my prayers.

I just pray that I can figure out how to be a better friend to all of you guys and that one day I can regroup, and start over with each and every single one of you guys. <3
AmazinglyAmazing AmazinglyAmazing 22-25, F 16 Responses Nov 1, 2012

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Don't try to be the person that you think everyone expects you to be, just be you, and try to be happy with who you are. The rest will come with time.

I'm sorry about all this. Really sorry, my heart goes out to you. But China needs a capital letter. Otherwise it means those plates in your cupboard. Okay? Chinese people will find this offensive.

You also just sound like an introvert? Introverts don't hang out that much but love their alone time. You might just need a few genuine friends or just a few genuine family members around you. I don't have a big group of people around me and that way I don't have to keep up appearances with a big group of peopl :D I don't know if its a combination of anxiety and being introverted..but there really isn't anything wrong with introversion. You can make it work! I try to find a middle ground myself, don't be too hard on yourself!

You are a good friend . Just know that your best friend should be yourself . treat yourself . and know it is good to be strong . It is also good to know that if you cant you have somebody who will be there and strong for you . I have myself struggle through the same problems . losing friends . being friends with people who just decides to stop talking to you . moving on because they found somebody funner and more entertaining . then being alone . making new friends is sometimes hard to do . for me anyway .
That is enough about me .
Now about you . If you could look at yourself through my eyes . You would see an incredible gorgeous woman inside and out . A true unselfish friend . and if i could hunt down the people who has hurt you I WOULD . you mean that much to me . just know when you get real down . the DYLAN HUG . i know that doesn't help out to much . Its a start though . your friend for life ! Dylan

First off sis I read that whole story because I was so intrigued by your wording and every detail because you already know how much I worry about you. I'm sick right now and that story made me cry and all emotional but I would be the one to say that we all as close friends of all that you have built a relationship with are right there with you in that uphill climb and I just wanna say I miss you so much and I've always thought of you as a inspiration that. why when I'm down I know I can always come to you because you are my big sister and you are the best big sister a lil bro could ever ask for you even treat me better than my actual real full blooded big sister and that's why I'm saying this to you now because I hope when you see this soon it will be known coming me and all your friends here at EP that we love you, we know you can do it and most of all don't give up just keep pushing because everyone has flaws but just know you are amazingly amazing Christine and you have what a lot of what other people don't have "an amazing heart".

As you are in my thoughts, prayers, and you will always have a friend on this end :) Some folks can understand what you're working through; friends who can empathize or know when to be there rather than "solve the problem". These are the ones who I am sure you can trust. If anything, they (and we do) now understand your insecurities by your sharing, and I'm sure we can exercise patience from knowing. --At least, I know I will be. Nothing changes over night, but you take new steps every morning. I think you are amazing for speaking out in honesty and that in itself is something not many people will do. Love your honesty, love your personality, love you!! Keep that chin up -- (so we can see your beautiful smile :). )

My dearest Sweets,
This is like the third time I have tried to write about this post you have. Every time I get almost done, I hit some weird key and it erases everything I wrote to you, but here I go again.
I want to start by saying, What is not special about you? You are beautiful and kind, you are loving and caring. I am sad that you are in Oklahoma and I am in Las Vegas. What a pleasure it would be to know you face to face my sweets. You are intelegent and you are versed in a number of subjects. So now, if you didn't know before what was special about you, you do now.
What you wrote about is life. I went through the same thing. You don't have to awfulize not talking to everyone. You just need to keep in touch with those you love most, Like me!!! Ha, Ha, Ha. What you described above is nothing more than life, and it happens to everyone. There is nothing to be anxious about, even though I can see where you would be anxious. Sometimes, especially on sites like these, we want to thank everyone for their comments, or if someone makes an unwelcomed comment we want to tell them off (like I do), but we can't answer everyone. We would go crazy. Maybe that is what is happening. You don't need to feel guilty just keep in touch with those who you like to write to the most.
You know I am pulling for you, and I want you to get over this hump. Don't ever give up, and remember, no pain no gain. That is true in all. As long as we stay comfortable in our misery, that is were we will always be, in our misery. As I have already said, you are a beautiful woman and there is soooooo many desirable qualities in you. I have come to tell you I love you and that doesn't happen to everybody. You have captured my heart and I hold a special place in my heart for you, so stop awfulizing the little things and look to the bigger things and conquer them. You have no other choice. You are on the bottom now, so look up and start climbing. That is your only choice, of course you could stay where you are and hide from your loved ones. Life isn't that scary. I think it is a matter of confidence more than anything else.
Anyway, I have chewed your ear enough, what a delightful ear it was too. See there is another quality, you have delicious ears.
I love you sweets and I am always thinking of you
MaryAnn

Chris baby, you really need to work on your self-esteem a little. How can you look in the mirror and not see the cute, lovable and funny girl that all of us here at EP can see? For God's sake, you even have your own fan club devoted to you... So just cheer up and forget about those guilt feelings already, all of us have 'em, but a time comes when you just have to start a new page. Why not take a bunch of helium balloons, imagine you have just transferred all your guilts and regrets into them, and go to the park and let them float up into the sky! The more crying you do the better, but you will then become a new person. Try it? ;-)

We can love, be nice to people but we can't ask them for it... So just do the way you want and treasure who is nice to you.. don't care what others think, or feel you are you, you live the way makes you happy.. Don't try to be somethings else

hi love,

you know not only you facing that kind of problems and struggles , we , us ,the people around you has their own problems too but the only person who can help you first is yourself.. we who loves will just support you in any way that we can ..

In regards w/how you get in touch w/ your closest friends, its okay its normal me myself also have those times when i don't want to talk to my friends where i want to meet new friends - i think its normal and everyone was gone through that .. don't worry about it ..

Your anxiety - don't let IT EAT YOU , no matter how tough it is just be more strong and have more faith to GOD you need that to be able to let us see that your really doing your best to fight your weaknesses .

And as of being true for us, to me - i'll just wait till you become okay, like what i've always said to you im always here praying for you to be back in shape , be more possitive and live your life like what it should cause you know why i am like this ^.< love you be safe love.

lo

A friend at all times.
Thinking of you. In this clip are some of my favorite quotes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdZ_-1GIkDw&feature=related

You and I have an uphill climb ahead of us and this story makes me wish I could beam you and I into the same room somewhere and just hold you in a quest to alleviate our nasty emotional battles.<br />
<br />
I've learned to realize that there is no shame in talking to professionals if need be and frankly, I'd like to see you embrace that thought as well.<br />
<br />
I have created a group entitled "I Would Love To Hug Amazinglyamazing" and would like to encourage anyone that shares my sentiment in that regard reading this to join!!

The only thing I can say is not to try so hard. If you've done something to someone that you regret, apologise, and if they dont forgive you, its their loss. You can't do any better than your best and people need to realize that. You don't have to try to get better, it'll happen on its own over time as you realize what you've done. But nobody can expect you to change over night, and you shouldn't have to. A real friend would understand and stick with you through thick and thin. Friendship is the next closest thing to marriage and should come with the same loyalty and devotion. Nobody's perfect and few people can admit they're perfectly flawed, but the fact that you can makes you better than most. I really hope things get better, and I'm here if you need somebody.

Good luck and best wishes,
D.J.

well we all have made mistakes in life we all have human traits from our parents , this is not to blame them either but being ppl we will make choices and sometimes these choices are not positive we are dual beings if you can understand what i am trying to say we have the choice between good and evil inside ourselves, i have made many mistakes drugs when i was 14 booze as well i used to hate me for it i have learned i made poor choices and now i can make better choices everyone has flaws no one is perfect here if we were perfect we would not be here we would be in heaven . but we can try one day at a time to do better just for that day i take it a day at a time .and i know my choices have been much worse than yours rebelling against my dad for the abuse never coming home using lsd a bad dangerous drug but you know what when i was at my lowest point in my life GOD still loved me i felt a loving presence all around me i knew it was GOD because it was so loving now i know i have done much worse than you,you are smart enough to see your shortcomings and if you wait to get them all changed you will not have the time to help others changing oneself takes time just be what you are right now and work on your shortcomings but don,t stop living now loving now being kind now all of that i see in you as others do to so please forgive yourself for what bothers you about your past and go forward doing the best you can giving love out wherever you go if ppl don,t like you smiling at ppl don,t let their hatred keep you from being love in all directions all you have to do is be yourself sweetie the love kindness and caring is all there inside of you but you don,t see it but others do so as a friend i ask you to be gentle with yourself and start new by being the loving person that you are if you make some mistakes so what pick yourself up and keep going forward you are worth it you know you deserve love to.your friend vinny love and peace to you always lol.

Hey buddy!! I hate to see you writing a story about hating yourself :( You're truly a beautiful and awesome frend. I'm truly grateful to call you my friend. I really do love you :)Screaming and going crazy may be good thing. Honestly I think we all at some point in our life feel like that so you're not the only one. Take things day by day. Like they say Rome wasn't built in a day so it'll take you awhile to get over this depression. Just want you to know you're not alone.Take care of yourself please. I love you and i'm always here for you no matter what

wow except you being an only child we again suffer the same fight, but obviously you are you and I am me. I mean i can't fight for you, but you know i support you my friend.