Goodbye Me...

I have great urge to swear as I write this because I come to realize why I can't meet my own exceptions,(and why now I hate myself).

I have had social anxiety, untreated but I don't feel the same sadness anymore because I awakened to why I am who I am. I have been suppressing my memories and emotions for long long time. I'm sick of keeping it all in, so here is everything that is wrong.

I hate my parents but I don't want to tell them. I hate them for not been parents. I was bullied in school for been poor and occasionally taken to principles office for not having uniform(i could not afford anyway). But when I went home I had to deal with my parents. I fell short of my parents exceptions(I was a pain in their eyes). They turned to me and called me names like, "swine", " disappointment", "worthless", "you loser" and "I can't believe you are my child". There was no break from stress, except when I was all alone in my room.

I locked myself in my room, and when I did go out I developed a way to hide my emotions, becoming cold and distant. At least i found out I was able to handle going outside.

Soon no one wanted to hang around me. I started to lose any friends I had, and by the time I graduated high school I was all alone. I became colder and more distant(became my false self), even my own art skills suffered. I was suffering inside, be torn apart. I even sunk so low that I tried drown myself once.

I had jobs but they could never last.

Every-birthday is reminder how empty my life is, and every Christmas is reminder how alone I am, and every new-year is a pain.

Recently, something changed and all my horrible memories came back to me. I guess I can't keep my false-self anymore because I come to realize I will never meet my own exceptions. If I never meet my own goals then I will never be happy. It is why I am writing this, to let go of my false-self, the one I hate. I need to start expressing myself again, so i can be happy again.
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2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I'm proud of you. Congratulations

Good Bro. At least, u realized where u went wrong. Am happy for u.