I Hate My Life.

I hate myself. Everything. I set the bar to high and am crushed when I fail. I tried taking up an instrument and can't play it for crap. I tried writing and can't even stand the way my words come out. I despise drawing and always burn the result. I have no release. My family openly claims how much they hate me; I've become stuck in my room. I have depression and can't even get meds because my family sees depression as a cheap excuse for boredom. My depression is addictive. Rather than try to fix it, I make things worse for myself, because I'm hooked on hating myself, because everyone else does. I even gave up goddamned cutting because it lost the effects it gave. I feel like nothing, I am nothing, and somedays I wish I didn't exist. I don't want to die. I just want a different life, with no memory of this one. I don't even goddamned know why I'm writing this. Nobody can help me and I'll get angry if they try... I wish someone would kill me, because I'm not worthy of wielding the knife myself.
rayvok rayvok
18-21
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

i feel like im supose to love my women with all i have but if i do one thing wrong im an ******* and she has to say anything to hurt me i love her so much i put her first on every thing but i cant kn ow her bussness im nothing to her she gets all of me i get the dark i have never had love like hers she got me to love herall the way but now if she dont like something im **** i hurt and she doesnt care im tired of love it always hurts me i feel like im nothing but someone to pay the bills and to hurt if i was dead then i wouldnt bother anyone anymore i cant go on like this and no one new is going to help it just goes back to this ANYWAY the only thing from killing myself is i have a baby and jesus in my heart im a loving man with feelings for my girlfriend to love me she sure showed it in the begining when a got her a diamond ring and a nice house and pay the bills but its none of my bussness what shes doing i hate what i have become

I see you are age 16-17... I remember those golden years of self loathing/discovery. Remember... the fact that you question and hate everything is a testament of your intelligence. This is all just a test. Families have a hard time dealing with a free spirit, and all you can do to cope with them is look at things from their perspective and see how it can help you change for the better---without bowing down to them. If they are just complete ********, keep your mind clear and keep looking to the horizon. Soon enough you will be an adult who will be able to move out and make your own decisions. Don't let them drive you to bad decisions.... in that case you have let them win.

Love yourself. I know that sounds corny and like something from a church sermon, but it is the most important thing to remember of all. Instead of focusing on what you hate or cannot do, focus on what you ARE good at. Everyone has talents, but sometimes we have to take a little extra time to realize what they are. I know I wish I was some prodigy who never had to think in order to be amazing... but hardly any of us can be that lucky. Bounce around and find out what you love. Maybe it will surprise you! Maybe you already know what your talent is but in your negativity you have chosen to hate it. Keep your head up and see the positive! Think of a yin and yang symbol... that is the symbol of life. If you are remaining completely in the dark of the yang, then the yin will begin to blind you and seem dreadful. Find the balance!

Enough rambling on.... I had a rough day and trying to make someone else's better is helping me too. I hope some of this helps... keep looking up and value your life more than anything, because you are you in all your glory. You will find your place, give it time, and give it strength(: