Butterflies On Her Arm

hi there.

it's hard to write these things, because i never know what to say. so i'll tell it like a story.

she can never talk to people about how she feels. whenever someone would ask her 'what's wrong', she'd say 'nothing'. she can't tell people what she's feeling, or what's wrong because she's afraid they might take it the wrong way and think she's insane or crazy.

she hates herself. she hates her body. she hates her face. she hates her personality. she hates her feet. she hates her thighs. she hates her legs. she hates her stomach. she hates her hips. she hates her waist. she hates her back. she hates her boobs. she hates her ears. she hates her air. she hates her eyebrows.

she hates everything.
she loves everything.

she loves the way the sun shines through the trees. she loves the feeling she gets after finding a good band to listen to. she loves the waves and the way it crashes. she loves feeling the sun on her back. she loves boys who smile genuinely and smell nice. she loves trees and how none of them are perfect. she loves animals. and cats. she loves photography. she loves hot tea on cold mornings. she loves sleeping in. she loves her piano. she loves travelling and being away from the ones you love. she loves meeting new people.

but she doesn't know what to do anymore. she hates herself. everything about herself. she loves so many things about other people and other things, but she hates everything about herself.

she can't cope with this feeling anymore. she cuts. at night, she feels the scars on her arm and it soothes her. it calms her. it reminds her that one day she will be okay. but she is hurting herself. and the people around her. she is hurting her family by isolating herself in her room all day long. and she hates herself for hurting other people. she doesn't know what else to do.

she plays piano all day long. she plays melancholic and sad songs that remind her of a time she was once happy. she is nostalgic for a place she's never been to. she drowns in her sorrow.

her friends treat her like she isn't important. like they can pick her up and drop her off whenever they feel like it. they think she doesn't care, she's too stupid to care. or too ignorant. or too ugly. they leave her when they please. and it hurts. it hurts more than they realize.

she's been in love with the same boy for as long as she can remember. he knows it. she doesn't know if she should just give him up and say goodbye to him. to tell him thank you. to tell him thank you for just being there. because when she looks at him, she sees happiness. she sees the sun. the flowers. the waves. the sea. the sand. the hills. the sky. the birds. she sees someone who can set her free, who can show her a place she'd be happy in. she sees his warm, caring eyes but she doesn't know how to get to them. she doesn't know how to get to him. he knows how she feels. but he doesn't know how he feels about her. she wants to let him go, to move on and set him free. but she can't. it's too hard to say goodbye. both of them have had good memories together, but she thinks he's forgotten about them. they never talk anymore. and it's hard. for both of them. because she's a year older than him and people say things about her that make him doubt. she longs for him. for him to open himself up to her. to welcome her into his arms. she looks at him and she sees a way to escape from herself. she sees someone who can make her love herself. someone who can make her appreciate herself. for who she is. but she can't get to him. and it kills her to think this.

she wants to be happy. she wants someone to talk to. someone who won't judge. someone who is caring. who will help her get back up. someone who won't leave her after a week. someone who won't get tired of her or annoyed of her. someone who will always start the conversation. someone who will always make her happy when she's down.

she wants someone to understand.

this is my story.
deleted deleted
26-30
2 Responses Dec 2, 2012

I will talk to you and I won't judge. I'll be your friend. I will listen. And I am sure that I will understand, because I feel pretty much the same...

See my story "Good Luck". You're not that unlucky. I live on everyday trying to meet someone new only to find them pointing out my flaws. I actually know how you feel. People like us don't need to be alone, sad or depressed. Maybe you want to talk or something