I Want To Love Myself

Hi everyone, don't really know why I came on here I guess my heads just filled with so many different thoughts that I just have to jot them down somewhere, every if its over the Internet, to a bunch of strangers. Where to begin.. Im 18 years old, and while my emotions and mindset seems to be all over the place most of the time, I wouldn't say I had ongoing depression. I can only describe what I have as extreme moodswings, for days on end I don't want to leave my bed, not just because of the lack of motivation but I feel I physically can't get up and face the world, these are days are the bad ones, the ones where I have constant thoughts of killing myself. The reason I wouldn't say I have on going depression is because maybe a week later ill be extremely happy for no reason, not that I'm complaining it just feel strange, like there's two of me. If you are reading this thank you, I'm trying to explain how I feel but I don't really know where to start. I was abused from the age of 13 (as far back as I can remember) and it totally took hold of my life, this was the age that I overdosed for the first time, the things that happened to me effected my life so much. I tried to stay away from home as much as possible even if this meant staying with boys, and if they wanted to have sex I would give them it, I became like a robot and I guess I always believed that's the only way men would ever look at me, I started to drink smoke and more recently take drugs. And I HATE myself. I hate that I go on these self destruct missions, I hate that then ever I think I'm getting better it hits me so hard it takes me back to the beginning again, I'm not very good at writing down my feelings and this probably doesn't show an accurate picture of my life but yeah right now I'm trying to change courses at college into something iv always wanted to do but never thought I was good enough, applying for jobs and trying to be more active. I hope this works, I don't know how long I can take this.
ILoveSleep123 ILoveSleep123
18-21
2 Responses Dec 4, 2012

I think you have manic depressive disorder. There's medication you might take for that if you want to, which basically stabilizes your moods from what I've heard...the good and bad ones both get less extreme. (Im a psych major in college so I learn about this stuff). Reaching out to people might help you feel better...having a good friend to talk to can work wonders. :)

These are the words i couldn't find. I love this story i feel like i meet the other part of me reading this (Of course only figuratively speaking) . Im sorry to hear you have been abused , i was beaten on since beginning of elementary school for about 2 years physically but this a**hole names Micheal bats, golf club, baseballs, fist, soccer ball to face .... this sounds stupid and is embarrassing to say but that was my life and everywhere else i moved same deal but became verbal . I had no prior social interacting everyone i meet is mean I don't talk to people these days. I have depression i take 5-htp(3 months) helped me regain energy . I was introduced to drugs around 6th grade my parents have been long divorced my mom keeps moving b/c her job idk whats going on and she keeps meeting other Men. I was so abused with out direction I been traumatized . I have these days that ill be astatic to get and work or go to school . For what? I have no friends, don't talk to people, its me and my mom left in the family, and i was on drugs trying to drown out every thought. And the next day to weeks ill go back to being sad, confused , lonely. I am not very good at explaining my self and my thoughts but I started here and idk it feels good. to put it out there. I Love you ILoveSleep123 got to ignore bad thoughts and replace em with things that make you happy and move you. I want to be your friend :/ i know we are strangers but hey that's how everyone starts out ?