You Told Me Think About It, Well I Did.

My mom got pregnant at 14 with my older brother.
She had me at 16 with a different guy.
Ditched us both with my dad to do drugs like meth.
My 12 year old aunt dropped out of schoolt to take care of us cause my grandparents worked all day.
My grandma is a bipolar freak. She screamed at us constantly as we were infants/toddlers that we were worthless and pathetic, that there was no point of us being there and we were ruining their lives.
My mom came back for Christmas and I had no clue who she was; Calling my aunt "Mommmy." Which, supposivley, made her trip up and want to straighten up. That with the fact that she tried overdocing on some stupid pills and put herself in a coma for two days.
My mom ditched my dad for some other guy. Dad went to jail, then bailed to Massachusettes, never to be heard from.
Mom married this guy.
He changed.
He choked her. Me. My older brother. Threw us against walls. And used me as a toy for ********. The earliest I remember anything going on like that was 4. I never told my mom til I was 8. Then she divorced him.
Though during that time she had two boys. My younger brothers.
Their dad is part of my life. My brothers visit him every other weekend.

My mom got outa drugs. She was good. But she wasn't "good." She yelled at me and my brothers. Hid in her closet with bottles of whiskey and cried. We moved around a lot.
She then went through a "Freedom phase", as I call it. She wasn't married. Brought guys home all the time, drunk, and I was left to babysit. Even when we were with my grandparents..they didn't pay much attention. I was in charge because..Idk. It was always me.
I had a mormon bestfriend, and a crush on her older brother. He was only a year older than me. And he always touched me; even when I said no.
I had a friend that was 2 years younger than me. And the first time I went to her house, her dad was drunk and was touching me.

Idk how many guys my mom said she was going to marry. Lost track of how many I met. And those were only the guys "She thought good enough to bring home."
My dad called one day when I was 10. We flew to MA to visit over spring break. Funn.
Went back for a month by myself that summer and visited him and then his family in PA.
He went to prison a few months later. For grand theft auto when he was 21.
We wrote and called for years. During those years I discovered my sexuality. (Proud lesbian)
I lost my virginity.
I got wasted and stoned off my ***, passing out for hours in my friends garage.
I ran away. Caught by police shortly after. (kicked the ******* *** who ratted on me to my mom)
Dad got out Sep. 2011. Findout I have a little sister. Shes amazing. I love her.
We spend time together, I spend every other weekend. 4 days. 6. Every other week.
He let me drink.
He ate me out while I was drunk off my ***.
He had sex with me while I was half asleep.
All in the same night.
This all happened Nov. 17. 2012.
Today is Dec. 4. 2012.
He's going back to prison, I think.
And I want to die.
I feel pathetic.
Im in love with Makayla, the most amazing girl in the world & Julien (Girl) the just, WOW, guy of my life.
I have one friend. Shyanne. (Homeschooled since April 2012. Dont get out much and dont trust so easily anymore)
I have wanted to die since I was about 4 years old.. I think that's when I realized that I wasn't needed inthe world.
Since 4th grade, I burn and cut myself. I have tried over dosing with Oxycodone and wake up throwing up the next morning. Perfectly healthy otherwise.
I have waited on the train tracks for hours, wanting a train to hit me.

My number one fear is death.
My number one and a half fear is drowning. Big amounts of water. If I cant see the bottom, gtfo.

I deserve both.

I have lived in 16 houses.(trailer/appartments included)
I have moved 23 times. (back and forth into grandparents included)
I am 16 years old as of Nov 23 2012.
I dont want to make it to 2013.

I have a new stepdad and i love him with all of my heart. Though he's a registered sex offender. ( i know, My mom sure does know how to pick 'em)
Hes not a perv. He loves me and would never hurt me or my brothers.

My name is Soraya. My favorite color is black. I hate naked toe nails. I love to read. Cheer. Sing. Fuzzy socks make me smile. I love elephants and pigs. And I want to commit suicide.

~You're the first person who has ever heard everything I have to say. Congratz.
Hypervenilate Hypervenilate
18-21, F
Dec 4, 2012