I Hate Myself So Much

My entire life was to harm myself. I was drowned in the world of heavy drugs like crack and heroine, cocaine as weel. One night I took 12 pills of acstasy mixed with vodka. Another day I took 2 boxes of caffeine with red bull and amphetamines, I almost had a heart attack. One night I mixed LSD, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and GHB, I was paralysed and uncounscious for 2 hours. I cut my wrists regularly, my arms as well, I love to harm myself. Last time I tried suicide I jumped off a bridge miles from my house witouht knowing how to swim, unfortunately I was rescued. My father caught me trying to hang myself and I went to a psychiatrist Hospital for a while. My family is always alert waiting for the next thing I am going to do, they I am gonna harm myself or try to commit suicide. I've got problems in the kidneys and started to have diabetes, I dont take the meds, I am a sef-destructive person who wants to destroy myself one way or another...
rikkbb rikkbb
26-30, M
3 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I am a physician and from what very little information you provide you might have a condition called Borderline personality disorder. This is a serious issue which not only affects your life, but those of the people you most love. These disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior.The following is a copy paste from the Mayo Clinic website:

Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

You dont necessarily have to have all the symptoms, but if they seem familiar to you then I strongly urge you to get professional help.Please understand this does not mean I am being judgemental, but it is something you need to really think about

Hmmmmm do you have a desire to get better, by going the other way with your life?

I had when I was 20, 23, but now at 29 I dont have any hope to get better, it's a terminal illness that destroys me day by day...

How come you are posting here? Does it just feel good to share this with other people?

I wish I could help you somehow.

Why do you want to destroy yourself?

If I had the answer I wouldnt be posting here...