More Than I've Ever Hated Anyone.

I thought I could stop hating myself. Had a million therapy sessions to get over depression and stop this ****. But then life twists its ugly head and BOOM! Your right back where you started.
There are so many reasons I hate myself. I hate myself for being fat and feeling like a failure with my own eating disorder because I'm not underweight and am no where near. I hate myself because I'm a bi sexual in a religious household where I fear god everyday because of what I am, and anyhow my family catch on slightly through bits of truth, I have to lie until I'm blue in the face about how I'm joking in order not to get kicked out the house from my against anything remotely gay family. I hate myself for getting into a serious relationship to early and making the commitment to have children to my first love, which never happened and now never can, because I don't think I can eve love again, so how the hell can I ever have children, the one thing I long for? I hate myself for going on in this selfish manner and not being able to stop.
No one can possibly understand how much I hate myself. There are people in this world I genuinley hate and I don't get the feelings I get when I think of myself. Bile in my mouth, blood rushing manically round my body, fists clenched.... I don't know how else to feel. I wish sometimes that I Could just hurry up and die so I could all go away...
Itisreal Itisreal
18-21, F
Dec 11, 2012