The Real Me

My whole life has been chaos and secrets. I so desperately wanted a place, a hometown, stability and love. I over compensated by being head strong, determined and fighting through to make it until I had control, until I had the say of who was in my life, where I would live, when I would move, who I would leave. I went to 11 different schools and lived in 18 homes by the time I was a senior in HS and nearly all of it happened by the time I was 12. I saw abuse, alcoholism, poverty but through it all was good in school, kind to others, and in a desperate turmoil to hide my real self my real existence from the outside world. I made promises to myself to do everything different than what I had known. I am now a mother of two amazing kids, have a good career but through it all I have always hated myself. I hate my appearance, I hate my thoughts, I hate not being good enough and saying and doing the wrong things. I hate being a terrible mother, person, friend and partner. After growing up through 5 of my moms marriages and a handful of live in boyfriends, I vowed for different. That I knew what love was, what commitment was and I would do different for my children. Well I hate myself still because I have been through 2 divorces and currently engaged. After everything I went through, everything my girls have gone through I can stop this vicious cycle of pain and destruction. I hate myself and want to disappear. They all deserve better and no matter how hard I try to do things different I just can't stop hating myself.
Therealmehatesmyself Therealmehatesmyself
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

your pretty hard on yourself,,,I am sure your over analizing things and your a awesome beautiful lady