Bleeding

so, i basically can't stop hurting myself. every minute of every day i long to see my own blood poor down me. i've got scars every where on my body, and i never wear shorts or tee's in public, in case anyone notices. i do it whenever i can. even between lessons at school. i don't have a girlfriend, and i don't like girls anyway. i'm gay. i know these other two guys who sometimes cut themselves too. it makes me feel good to know i'm not the only one. there is someone that i love. he kissed me once, but i knew it meant nothing to him. all the teachers know ( not that its hard to notice, what with the blood dripping down my arms) they tried to help me, but it just made me worse. i've been in hospital 4 times now, but all 4 times my parents were away. my dad's abusive, and my mum is a ****. i have an older sister, and she tries to help. but it doesn't work. i also stab myself in the stomach, just to ease the hunger pains. everyone say i'm not fat. i know they're just trying to be nice. i smoke, but it doesn't matter because i'm fugly anyway. sometimes i just randomly start crying. everyone says that i', attention seeking, and it makes me feel *******.

Can anyone understand what i'm feeling? please help.
lots of love
ps: i've been crying the whole time and i really need a knife
poliwhirlandicecream poliwhirlandicecream
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 14, 2012

What the hell? Ur gonna stop this whole cutting scenario right now. The thing is ur probably fat and to some u might be ugly too. But what u have to know is that u can nevr be good enough for everyone. U could become slim and look all dashing and it still might not be enough. So the only way out is to stop living fr others. To hell with what they think. Eat when ur hungry and eat whatever the hell u want. Live fr urself. Not for those who judge but fr urself. I have an abusive father and i used to cut myself too but i gave that up when i realized that while i bled and cried the person who i suffered for was probably having the time of his life. Believe me.. U can hurt urself all u want and tht might not matter in the slightest to him. He isnt worth ur time. Neither is ur dad. Believe in urself and move on. Endure and live to be happy.

thanks, your words mean loads. i'm relly gonna take it into perspective. but it is hard.

and liz, mate, i do used to do it cos i thought i wasn't worthy of life, but the more i do it, the more i like it... it gives me a natural high.

Yeah i know what u mean. I felt the exact same thing too. I used to feel happy when i cut myself. Somehow the pain was exhilirating. And then one day i just snapped out of it and i realized what i was doing to myself . U need to realize what ur doing. It could scar u fr life. U need to work on urself. Work to make urself feel better. Its gonna br very hard at first but believe in urself and push through.

Thankyou...

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