I Hate A Lot Of Things, And I Don't Particularly Like Anything.

i can positively say i hate myself without any doubt about it ..
i just can't get along with myself and i always feel like i never meant to belong here or anywhere exactly,
i do, even if i am in denial most of the time i do have a depression and i do hurt myself ( not cutting, more like punching inanimate object ) i don't believe i have anger issues because when im anger i know what i must do just go take a walk yes sometime its just overwhelm me and make me punch a wall but i believe its better to just punch a wall because after that i can feel more calm i guess the pain calm me make me realize how stupid i look when i am angry,
i hate everything about myself .. the way i look the way i walk the way i speak the way i always analyze everything making me doubt my choices sometimes but what i hate the most is the fact that even if i know what wrongs with me and i know what i could do i just don't do it.. i just stay there mourning myself and crying.. when i could definetly do it and i know i got enough inner strength to do it... but i just don't.
i don't see the point in doing so sometime yes i do have thing important in my life .. the one i love that i do want to be with but i hate the way i always doubt other people feeling making me take a step back when thing become too close i just hope the person that gonna be with me will be strong enough to stay with me even when i do so because the last time i thought everything was finish i was shock .. i was not able to speak or do anything .. i felt overwhelmed by it and if i was not so paralyze by the idea of been left like that i would have cried ..

ah this is already long enough i don't want to bore people more and i don't even think people will read it all so i will end it like this i am sorry if some people feel insulted in anyway i love you all
Thompsons Thompsons
18-21
11 Responses Dec 14, 2012

You might think you hate yourself, but our inner being is just an illusion, a way of how we think we are, it is really that we are used to doing stuff in a certain manner, but one can always change it self. Even if most people are bright, and you think you should be, there is nothing wrong in being slightly dark, or very... Not everything that shines is gold, just as not anything that sits in shadows is coal... I feel within you that you are loyal, protective, and you get surprised easily... I'll tell you a secret about people like you and me, what we say we mean it, we are very honest, and even if we hate ourselves, we still believe we are better than the rest. I understand how you feel, and people like you and me, don't look just at the cover, we actually read the whole book... I hope this helps you to understand, that you aren't alone, and that you shouldn't hate your self... It is all within your mind, and only you can change that. Still there are many good features about you, so don't focus on the rough and broken, but on the new and brilliant aspects about your self. You have a great life in front of you, don't waste it submerged in self pity. :D

i agree with most of it :P exept that i don't really self pity me

That was exaggerated of me anyways :P I was just talking a look around at groups to join and your name kept bumping up in many I was already a user or a many in which I identified my self so... hey :D

yes :P

i need to go sleep but if you want i can add you :P

KK talk to you tomorrow :)

2 More Responses

That's the nice thing about EP. It's so vast, there is always some one on this earth that will eventually respond to your blog

yes

good idea. Pardon my slowness. Internet probs

not its okay you are the only that took the time to answer me more than one time

great idea. If I understand you correctly, you want to give the Dr. your dialogue with me on EP. To help him to understand. Is that correct.

yes

so be it. But be straight and on the up and up, otherwise he won't be able to help you.

i know but i just can't i got the abit to say hey im okay :P with a big fake smiles maybe i should bring my ipod with what i am writing on ep

What you do is go to a Dr. and tell him your depressed and tell him you have a lot of emotional problems that you can't talk to others about. It's eating me up inside and my family wouldn't understand. Some times the Dr. himself will hear you out. Your a patient and he's under the obligation to provide complete confidentiality. My own Dr. helped me. She was very kind and compassionate. I cried like a baby telling her about it, but she offered me complete support and good advise. That's a good first step to take.

i don"t know here we got law that if the dr think i might be harmful for myself he can call the cops

He won't
do that unless you gave him reason and I'm sure that's not on your mind. Your there to get help, not hurt yourself.

yes but i will probably lie to make it seem less bad

Incidentally, I'm from the USA, where are you from?:)

canada

2 More Responses

It's kind of strange. I know what your talking about. Many people think that seeing a counselor shows your weak because you can't handle the problems yourself. But that's silly. No Man's an Island, and we all need help from one another in various times of our lives. The weak one's are the one's that don't take action and end up in a looney bin or blowing their brains out.It also shows a disrespect for your feelings. If you could only sit down with your love ones and try to talk to them, they should reply with love and concern on what they can do or say to help. But like my own family, I wouldn't even think about it. They just weren't open minded enough and only concerned for there own feelings.

mine are concerned but they don't know anything about it and it would be a pain to explains it and they would say it make no sense to them , but what do you do you go see a doctor and say hey i am depressed? i dont know what to go tell him

I remember back when I was in therapy. Therapist would give me suggestions that would help me out and I always had excuses for why it wouldn't work. In affect, I was sabotaging any hope of improving my condition. It's hard to change. Even though your current feelings are negative, they are familiar to you. To change, you have to take on the unfamiliar territory and that can be scary. A Therapist or other professional counselor can walk you through this and in time you'll change your whole life. But YOU have to take the first step. It's hard to believe but a person can want to change on one hand and not want to change on another. The negative side is subconscious.

i want to change i just don't want my family to know about it because they will say im weak or will see me as weak and i got no money for therapy

You don't feel drugged on this med. I've been on CITALIPRAM for a number of years. There are no side affects for me. Antidepressants aren't tranquilizers that CAN make you feel drowsy. They take a while to work. For some people a week,others, maybe a month. If one doesn't work and there ARE side affects, he'll switch you over to another type.
I, initially was given one for a depression episode in my life, but it not only worked but I actually felt better than I ever felt. So the Dr. kept me on it. An anti depressant won't solve all your problems but with counseling together you may really get some relief. Your letter sounds so much like myself years ago.Remember the song "The greatest love of all". If you listened to the lyrics, they say the greatest of all is yourself and accepting who you are.

yes but i can't do that because if i ever want to go in the army i wont be able

You definitely need counseling ASAP. It's not right you should feel that way. An antidepressant will definitely help. Self love is important in life. As it says in the bible,"Love thy neighbor as thyself". In other words, your suppose to love yourself and then love others as much. You say that you don't have anger but you really do, The anger is with yourself. Self hate is internalized anger. I wish you the best. I've had counselling for many years and I also felt the way you do when I was your age. My therapist told me I had an overdeveloped conscience. That is, I expect too much out of myself as a human being. I feel that I'm less than others. Therein lies the anger.

i know i should but i don't want pill to make me feel high or doped

(Hugs) lots of ppl do not like themselves. I blame the pressure society puts on us to be perfect. I am unhappy with things but afraid to try anything new due to fear. What if they laugh? What if i fail? What if i end up poor with no one to help? It sucks! All we can do is keep trying to be happy.

you are right