Can't Find The Exact Word To Describe...Today is december 15th 2012, the end of another terrible year of my life full of deception,stress,and failure.
I’ve been trying to lose weight since a long time ago more than 4 years to be exact but it was a total failure, I tried every possible diet but never finished what I started.
I really didn’t care about my body before that I used to wear my tight jeans and a short pull over without any worries but now I feel like a huge bag of **** that nobody care about and that is thrown away and put apart from the others, I already went to a nutritionist and she gave a diet plan but I don’t think that it worked at all since I gained a lot of weight in the last previous months I don’t feel I enjoy anything right now in my life nor food nor Korean dramas since I don’t even have the opportunity to watch anymore since I’m right now with a friend and cannot be both connected in the same room so like usual I’m the one who doesn’t get anything in the end I know that I got helped a lot by her but really it’s starting to **** me off like hell really!!!!!!
I can’t bear with egotistical people for real and I get the same treatment as like I used to get in my country with with that ***** friend which doesn’t give me any importance I’m just there if she needs me or wants to go outside when no one has invited her , so to sum up I’m like her pet she can play with me whenever she has nothing to do ! why do I let people treat me like this why ? why do I let them treat like if I were nothing at all ? why I am being like this ? don’t I deserve some respect ? why people are walking on my pride .
I am a human being too, why nobody gives a damn **** about me?
I just want to be respected and loved , but how can anyone respect me if I don’t respect my self and give it any importance ? And how can anyone love me if I hate myself so much? I just feel like **** thrown away, I still don’t have my own studio so I’m obliged to stick to people which isn’t a pleasant thing you should always take permission and ask about stuff: can I shower ? not your hair just your body, just 15 minutes ,how can I not wash my hair since I had sport even if I don’t have classes at eight she would oblige me to go out with her this way she won’t leave me in her house I don’t even have a share of the blanket and yet she told that I take so much space and she keeps on telling me that the room is in such a mess!!! What is this supposed to mean? I am taking so much space or what ? Don’t I have feeling ? why am I treated like this by everyone ?
They are all a band of sick people who think that the world is centered around them I lost trust in people like hell , it happened with members of my family, my “best” friend and is happening again!?! Don’t I never learn about my previous heart breaks? How can I fall in love with someone if I’m this stupid and I know that people will end up hurting me and walking on my pride like if it didn’t mean a **** to them?!?
Thursday November 29th the end of the month in just two more days ,today I feel so empty inside in addition to that I am in the ******* library not wanting to do anything at all since a while ago , I hate waking up every single morning it feels like going tro jail every morning :
every math lesson is another opportunity to show how stupid I am; every group project an occasion to disappoint my classmates; every test, quiz, and question-and-answer session a chance to be humiliated - again. Day after day, year after year, I am thrown into the situations I fear the most.
Imagine getting up every day to go to a job like that. Imagine knowing, really knowing, that to go is to invite feeling like you're having a heart attack (perhaps several "heart attacks") during the day.
This is my everyday life stress ,anxiety,fear,dissapointment,bad nutrition….
I keep on feeling bad day after day I scream but no body want to listen to me .
lovekorea 22-25, F 0 Dec 15, 2012