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Can't Find The Exact Word To Describe...

Today is december 15th 2012, the end of another terrible year of my life full of deception,stress,and failure.
I’ve been trying to lose weight since a long time ago more than 4 years to be exact but it was a total failure, I tried every possible diet but never finished what I started.
I really didn’t care about my body before that I used to wear my tight jeans and a short pull over without any worries but now I feel like a huge bag of **** that nobody care about and that is thrown away and put apart from the others, I already went to a nutritionist and she gave a diet plan but I don’t think that it worked at all since I gained a lot of weight in the last previous months I don’t feel I enjoy anything right now in my life nor food nor Korean dramas since I don’t even have the opportunity to watch anymore since I’m right now with a friend and cannot be both connected in the same room so like usual I’m the one who doesn’t get anything in the end I know that I got helped a lot by her but really it’s starting to **** me off like hell really!!!!!!
I can’t bear with egotistical people for real and I get the same treatment as like I used to get in my country with with that ***** friend which doesn’t give me any importance I’m just there if she needs me or wants to go outside when no one has invited her , so to sum up I’m like her pet she can play with me whenever she has nothing to do ! why do I let people treat me like this why ? why do I let them treat like if I were nothing at all ? why I am being like this ? don’t I deserve some respect ? why people are walking on my pride  .
I am a human being too, why nobody gives a damn **** about me?
I just want to be respected and loved , but how can anyone respect me if I don’t respect my self and give it any importance ? And how can anyone love me if I hate myself so much? I just feel like **** thrown away, I still don’t have my own studio so I’m obliged to stick to people which isn’t a pleasant thing you should always take permission and ask about stuff: can I shower ? not your hair just your body, just 15 minutes ,how can I not wash my hair since I had sport even if I don’t have classes at eight she would oblige me to go out with her this way she won’t leave me in her house I don’t even have a share of the blanket and yet she told that I take so much space and she keeps on telling me that the room is in such a mess!!! What is this supposed to mean? I am taking so much space or what ? Don’t I have feeling ? why am I treated like this by everyone ?
They are all a band of sick people who think that the world is centered around them I lost trust in people like hell , it happened with members of my family, my “best” friend and is happening again!?! Don’t I never learn about my previous heart breaks? How can I fall in love with someone if I’m this stupid and I know that people will end up hurting me and walking on my pride like if it didn’t mean a **** to them?!?
Thursday November 29th the end of the month in just two more days ,today I feel so empty inside in addition to that I am in the ******* library not wanting to do anything at all since a while ago , I hate waking up every single morning it feels like going tro jail every morning :
every math lesson is another opportunity to show how stupid I am; every group project an occasion to disappoint my classmates; every test, quiz, and question-and-answer session a chance to be humiliated - again. Day after day, year after year, I am thrown into the situations I fear the most.
Imagine getting up every day to go to a job like that. Imagine knowing, really knowing, that to go is to invite feeling like you're having a heart attack (perhaps several "heart attacks") during the day.
This is my everyday life stress ,anxiety,fear,dissapointment,bad nutrition….
I keep on feeling bad day after day I scream but no body want to listen to me .
lovekorea lovekorea 18-21, F Dec 15, 2012

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