​My life is a mess. I'm an unattractive slob who's too loud and can't keep her grades up in school. Everyone thinks i'm just going through a faze, but I'm not. I'm depressed, and no one cares about me enough to see it. They think i'm fine. They don't know that I hide in my room and cry all day because my life is worthless. The only thing that's made me even slightly happy or excited in the past two years was the idea that I would be able to go see my idol in concert this February, but my mom is taking that away from me. I'll just sit in my room and cut my arm open with a knife like I do every day, and still no one sees my scars. I have nothing to live for anymore. I don't care if I live or die.

Thank you to everyone for their kind words of support!!! Since I posted this over a year ago, I have reached out to my friends for support and I am currently battling my depression and winning. My cutting is in remission for going on 6 months, and while I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness every once and a while, I am a much happier person and I am learning to accept and love myself for who I am. If anyone is feeling the way I was feeling when I posted this, I beg you to get help. Even just trusting in one close friend can make a difference that will turn your life around.

P.S. I got to go to my concert after all. It was fantastic :)
teenfailure teenfailure
18-21, F
16 Responses Dec 29, 2012

Wow, I haven't been on here in forever and I have so many new replies to this, thank you to everyone for your encouragement <3 with the support of my friends I was able to start dealing with my depression. I still have hard times, but I'm doing a lot better and have learned to accept myself. You are all very kind, thank you so much!

I felt like you for all of highschool. Everyone bullied me when I was a kid, and my parents didn't really pay attention to what I was feeling for the most part, other than to make me seem like an abnormal freak.

I used to cut myself and write suicidal poems. My legs are still scarred from the razor blade I took to myself. I hoped someone would notice, but when my father did, he just put me on anti depressants, which didn't help the problem at all.

When I moved away from home, I realized that my looks and grades didn't have a lot to do with my self worth like they did in high school. Lots of people here didn't care about that stuff, and liked me for who I was.

No offense, but people your age can be really shallow and focus on things that don't really matter, like someone's appearance and your grades. They can make you feel stupid and ugly even if you're the most intelligent and beautiful person there, because they're struggling with their own emotional confusion and sense of identity.

I always thought I was ugly, and alot of people made me feel like I was stupid, but since moving away from there, I've had so many people see things in me that I've never seen in myself.

Do you have things you are passionate about? Are people giving you a hard time? Do you have anyone you can talk to about this stuff? 'Cause if you don't, you can talk to me. The thing I wanted most when I was going through this was just to talk to someone who understood.. I'm not going to spout generic advice to you, but I feel like I do understand what it feels like to go through this. And I feel like it makes you stronger than all of those a***oles who seem to have it all. From my own personal experience.

Anyways, I hope you pull through this. I feel for you, girl. <3

Thank you! I'm doing a lot better and all of what you said means a lot :)

It is verily the sign of awful degradation in man. Ay, when a man has begun to hate himself, then the last blow has come. When a man has begun to be ashamed of his ancestors, the end has come.

~ Swami Vivekananda

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)

Still feeling this way?

No! I'm sorry it took so long to respond, I haven't used this website in almost a year. But I am doing much better! Thank you for your concern :)

Yeah I know life sucks and you don't know if people would really be better off without you here at all. That's also why I wouldn't care if a murderer came and killed me right now. Seriously, death isn't scary, but don't kill yourself. Because if you do you will end up in hell and hell is a nasty place, apparently, it's a void ridden with panic, cockroaches, fire and everything nasty. Don't take your own life.

I know you were probably taught this growing up but if people are miserable in life and feel at their lowest...why would a "caring" god give them "panic, cockroaches, fire" to burn them? That's not a god worth praising sorry to say but you described an uncaring maniac. God should be about healing, love and goodness. Also to people here, it's better to live and experience and try to find joy then to end it and not have any experience at all. Keep going and growing, it'll work out. ;)

i just feel like you feel :'( , But try to think about what you love and what is making you love your life and hold on to it :') .

Thank you!!! I hope that you've taken steps to dealing with your depression as well, I have and it's helped immensely :)

I am the mother of an 18 yo daughter and if for one second I thought she felt at all like you, I would be all over that. You need help, to feel that your life is worthless is not a normal phaze. If this is your profile picture I would say you are a beautiful young women! As far as feeling that you are too loud well you can tone that down a bit and grades you can get tutoring and help and study. I grew up with a tough childhood and was and is the fat girl it caused me and still causes me a lot of heartache but you are the only one that can decide to pull youself up and be strong! i can promise you that when you look back you will see that this was just a small bump in the road and there are better things to come!!! Get Help Please!

I did! Thank you so much for your concern. I finally turned to my friends for help and with their support I've been able to fight my depression. I'm not totally through it, but I'm doing so much better and am in a much better place than I was when this was posted.

First of all, stop calling yourself teenfailure. Words are very powerful and if we say it enough, then we will believe it. People say, things will get better, but they won't...unless you want them to. I am 50 years old and I often, "still", hate myself. Can I offer some possible suggestions that might help? First of all, clear all the negative words out of your vocabulary. As I said, they are very powerful and can do a real number on you. Second, and this one is going to hurt, go be alone somewhere with a notebook and write down everything that you hate about yourself. Then go back over the list and figure out which ones are really important and which ones are really "dislike" rather than hate. For example, you might have on your list that you hate the clothes you wear and you hate your negative attitude. You could start simply by realizing you probably just dislike the clothes you wear. That is also something you can fix. Look through magazines and see what you wish you were wearing and go out and get some of those looks. That's the simple part. But the harder part is the, again only for example, a negative attitude. That one requires a serious commitment on your part to do something about it. It takes hard work, a lot of soul searching, and maybe some help from friends, family and professionals. The point I am trying to make is that you have to take an inventory and decide what changes would be necessary to get out of this rut and then you have to commit to the doing the hard work of trying to change. It won't happen overnight but I believe you can do it. Write back about what you think of this and let's talk a little. I'm willing....if you are. Praying for you right now. You ARE loved whether you know it or not. Take care. God bless.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. As of now, my life is in a much better place than it was when I posted this :)

I understand how you feel. I have the same life. The difference? My mother tells me I hide in my "filthy" room all day, they know its not a faze. I don't really have the freaking guts to cut myself...yet. Sometimes I just need to shut the hell up, and deal with it. My dad goes to Iraq for 4 months, come back for a whole 30 days. Yay! (Sarcasm) he comes, get intoxicated, then, oh yes, then, my mother keeps me for that whole month. Sure, I see him for an hour. Yeah. Great. But I read. And that's how I've got my help, I know, I know, " that's so stupid." And " I hate reading!" But this book " The Girls of no Return" by Erin Saldin, has helped me. Is amazing. It's like she wrote the book about our lives. I encourage you to read it. And remember, don't let the words they say or things they do bring you down. Because I know I've let it happen to me. ( suicide is stupid nobody does it anymore...... Don't say it for attention) ;) I got your back when you need it.

Thank you so much for this reply! I know this was a long time ago, so I hope you've moved towards fighting your depression. I will definitely look into that book, I love to read! Thank you for the recommendation, and I hope you are doing well :)

Please I have been there and I won't lie I am still there to some degree I can't say things will get better because I can't say that but if you believe in yourself and I believe you believe that you are good person then I say hold on because if you believe that things will get better they just might I am almost fifty years old and I still believe it will get better it cannot if you are not around have faith in yourself don't let the bastards drag you down

I googled "I hate myself" because I was feeling particularly down and stumbled upon this message. I don't think you are going through a 'faze'. I think that you should stop looking for outside things to make you happy because they are always fleeting. You always be looking around the corner for the next thrill and soon you will run out of things to "look forward too'. I'm saying this because I was you. There is a recipe for more sustaining happiness and it's nothing you will find here on earth. If you are interested let me know?

I know how you're feeling. Stay strong. Things will get better!

I can't express how much I relate to this. Hang in there youre not the only one hun <3

My teenage daughter used to cut herself too. And I was so absorbed in my own hell of depression that I didn't see it either. Once she told me what she was doing I got help for her. She's still depressed but she is on medication now and sees a social worker twice a month. Maybe there is someone at your school that you can talk to. That's what my daughter did and she HATES her school and most of the people in it. I'm not gonna say hey stop doing it...there's tons of ways to hurt yourself not just by cutting. Just try to find someone who will listen to you. Ok? I'm here for you. It's important to have someone in your side and these past sentences I speak from experience. Hang tough. I'm here if you want to talk.