Done.

I'm so sick and tired of me always ******* up. It seems like I'm never there for my Bear when he needs me. I keep falling asleep, then he needs me, my phone doesn't wake me up. So I end up not getting the ******* texts until hours later when it's to late. I'm getting ******* fed up with myself.
I want to end it. My pathetic life. I keep ******* up. I keep failing the people I care about. I want to cut but that would hurt him, I want to die, but that would hurt him. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm a **** up and I keep messing everything up.
I'm sorry I'm the way I am. I'm sorry for what I've done before. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.

Missme153
missme153 missme153
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

Try to use this site more like a journal, or even try having an offline journal, whatever you're more comfortable with. The idea is to write down these things that hurt you, not keep them inside. Cutting is a form of liberation, but it's not a solution and you know it. Have you tried the rubber band thing instead of cutting? I heard it helps...
And just so you don't get to the point where you need to cut, try finding out more about what is stressing you out so much and solving it. And try to do things you enjoy to help elliminate some of the pressure.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, but as others before me said in comments, we **** up, that's what we humans do. There's nothing abnormal about that. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I used to keep a journal, but around Christmas Eve my mom found one of my old ones and read some of it. She read about how I wanted to cut again and stuff like that. So lately I haven't known really what to say to people, or her. I think some of the pressure is how I'm always trying to solve other people's problems instead of my own. I should start taking more care if myself first, instead of helping others while I'm really hurting inside.
Thanks for the suggestion. I've tried rubber bands before but my friends get mad when I cause any form of pain to myself. So really I'm trying to end it cold turkey. Anyways, thank you.
If you yourself ever need someone to talk to I'm here.
Miss me153

It's easier to solve other people's problems than face our own, ain't it? :) I do that too, but with some practice you can start to shift your focus. Just don't try too hard from the very start, because this is a habbit, and habbits give in slowly. If you set your expectations too high, you will end up feeling like you can't do it.

I use the blog on here as a journal, personally. I don't have one in real life, because it got me in trouble in the past and I just can't keep one anymore.

I hope you are able to win this battle with self harm. Even if from time to time you slip up, don't stop fighting it. Just start fresh. We all slip up from time to time. What matters is that you don't give up on yourself.
Take care.

yeah, it is way easier to solve other people's problems. im trying to face my own, but its difficult. im trying to face the inner demons, but they run and crawl back when i least expect it. its hard fighting them back off. Anyways, im trying my best and thats all i can do for now. I havnt given up yet, and hopefully i wont anytime soon.
Missme153

We make mistakes as people all the time. It's how we learn and build our self. I mean how many times did your mum tell you not to do something only for you to turn around and do it? Breaking your legs or atleast getting in seriouse trouble. Now how many times did you do the same thing again? The ****** up thing is that its the bigger fuckups in life that teach us the greatest lessons. Pitty it hurts so much though. Sorry if this sounded like I'm reading off a hallmark card or somthing but it is the true. The ****** up truth. Stay Safe

I know life is rough sometimes, and the only way to learn is from our own personal experiences. But sometimes I don't know how to learn from them when I keep messing everything else up.
I'm so stressed out. I haven't been able to sleep, my head is killing me, I'm trying to make things easier for my boyfriend, I'm trying to keep my grades up, I'm trying to please everyone! But every time something good happens, something even worse comes and ruins it.
I know, I know I have no right to be complaining about my life. There's others out there that have been thru much worse and stay strong. But I'm not them. I'm weak and can't take much more.
In trying my hardest I really am. I'm sorry for the random rant but yeah. That's how I'm feeling that the whole world is against me and I can't handle much more.

I don't know if you want to hear this but I will say it anyway. You've fallen into the same trap I had trying to make things easier/better for the people around you and neglecting yourself. The problem with this is that by neglecting yourself, you become less effective in your life. By being less effective you make your life harded. By making your life harder you get even more stressed. By getting stressed small problems suddenly become bigger problems and you end up hurting the people you were trying to make things better for. It's a vicious cycle.

My advice, again for what it's worth. Confide in somone you trust. Not nessesarily your family and friends as this can be difficult and confronting and can leed to you to not saying certain things, lying about how you feal or not even doing it in the first place. Doctors, Priests, Coucilors, helplines or a teacher that you really trust are all good. And at the cost of being very long winded, you don't need to be strong. By trying to stay strong you have already lost the battle and lying to yourself. Talk to somone.

Finally go see a doctor and mention "I'm so stressed out. I haven't been able to sleep, my head is killing me." You don't have to ellaborate alot if you don't feel like it. There are fantastic drugs out there these days that are not dependent. I know no one loves medicating themselves but it can help in the short term.

Srry for the lecture. :-(

Ditto

I'm trying to stay strong. Im doing my best not to give up. Its hard, i keep telling myself that it would be better for everyone if i was gone. if i was dead. But then others tell me its not true, that they would miss me. But inside, i dont know if i believe them. i dont see how anyone could miss me.

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