Sometimes I Just Can't Take It

Outside, I seem smiley, bubbly, confident and intelligent. Inside, I feel like dying would solve everything. I remember the day that I realized how much I hate myself. I sat in my room crying for what must have been half an hour. I was a young innocent Christian girl then, so automatically I questioned God. 'Why me?', I asked. I prayed twice a day, did all my work and was went to church every Sunday, but I felt like everything happened to me. 

Some may say every teenager goes through this stage, which may be true, but crying everyday had become the norm. When I was young, I was molested by my older brother's best friend. My brother is 10 years older than me, which means his friend must have known what he was doing. He was so close to the family, nobody would have guess it, it was the perfect plan. I was so young so I did not realize what he was doing at the time. I became aware of what he had been doing to be at about thirteen. I wanted to tell someone, but that is just not something you bring up over tea. Besides one failed attempt, I kept it to myself like I do with everything. I bottle it up until I explode.

After boarding school, my other brother became ill so he skipped university and came home. He had developed paranoia schizophrenia . The fear I got when my brother stayed with us grew every day. He would scream, shout and threaten to kill me. He claimed I thought I was special because I was smart, very social and good at sports. 'You think you are so perfect' he would scream. One day, he smashed my basketball trophies 'by accident', which made me give up the sport. I did not give up sport, I just did not receive the same joy from basketball that I once did after that day so  I started looking for a new one.

I remember how bad things used to get at home - one day my brother broke the door in anger. The tears would roll down my cheeks as the look in my brother's eyes told me that he had the potential to kill me. I would run out the house in fear after he had punched me several times. I could not take it. What had I done? I was a good sister and daughter. We used to be best friends now he cannot even look at me without anger running through him.

I wish that was all. I remember a guy asked me out. He asked if I would like to watch a movie with him at his place. We kissed. I got so excited because he was a very attractive guy and I had only just started to get attention from guys after my dramatic weight loss. The kissing started leading to other things. I said no, I was too young. I was only fourteen. He did not care at all. He was 17. He told me if this was not going to go anywhere that I should leave. I was distraught. I left and never talked to him again. There was only one problem, he went to my church. Before i knew it, the whole church found out, but it was a very different story. I had apparently stalked him for several months. Everyone in church ignored me. I had no friends there until they found out that it was a lie, three years later. By then, sorry was not even enough.

At this same time, I was hated in school. A girl in my school was unhappy with the positive attention I was getting. At the time i did not know this. She had made a fake Facebook, which she told everyone was her boyfriend. Her boyfriend said that I had been saying horrible things about my close friends behind their back. Everyone began to hate me. Polls were made about me that I was a ****. She even framed me for stealing her bag when I went to my piano lesson. That day I broke down, but people did not look at my tears. The saw it as guilt. I remember sitting in the toilets sobbing wondering how long it would be until I got the courage to end it all. It took a while for this girl to get caught. Everyone apologized and I slowly became the popular person I used to be, but inside I was still hurt. I knew that none of these people trusted me.

I decided to put all my negative energy in to exercise. That was a bad idea. Long story short, I developed and eating disorder. Up till this day, I still feel guilty in the evening. I thought i was so healthy. People envied my muscles and size 6 figure, but I ate no more than 500 calories a day and vomited most of them out. If the being sick was not enough, I would take laxatives. That was my idea of healthy.

Losing my virginity. Do i need to even tell you about that. Surprise? i had sex with a guy. I felt like we rushed into it. I told him this and asked if we can wait before we do it again. That was the last I heard from him... other than when he asked for his stuff back. Four years later and I still have not done it.

I could tell you more: Being slapped by someone on the streets, more rumors, my father hating me. I just do not have that time.

I thought it was me. I decided to to try a different approach, I changed everything about me. I gave up everything. I gave my perfect grades, my sports, my student of the years. I just wanted to be happy. This worked for a while. I was more popular than ever, but it did not take long. My closest friends called me a fake. 'This is not you' they would say. I could not take it. I had gone from straight As to Cs and had lost the people that mattered the most. I had to go back to normal. I wanted to do well more than I wanted everyone to like me.

Going back to myself took a lot of effort, but i am glad I did because things did not turn sour after that, but the thought of trusting anyone still kills me. I hate my life. I hate being me.  I hate myself.
tooprecious0x tooprecious0x
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

I completely respect your bravery for sharing a story like that. I have to be honest, I can't pretend to understand how you feel, but I'm always here for support or a chat. Try to stay positive and keep smiling, even when things get tough. Remember things can always get better, and sometimes we have to endure tough times to get to that better place :)