The Wrong Turn

Just 4 years ago i was the happiest woman in the world. I was 23 years old, finishing a masters degree in business law, on the peak of my modelling career and the brightest future ahead. To top it off, the man of my dreams had just asked me to marry him.
I got invited to every party, was on everybodys list and was one of the most beautiful girls in my small town. I was one of those people we all secretely hate.
I dont know how I got here. My life crumbled before me and I feel lost. I married that man and was happy for a while.
The problem is that i focused so much on making him happy that I completely forgot about myself. I left modeling, i never pursued my carreer, and i spent every waking hour hoping he would love me forever, which he sadly didnt.
You have to know that he is very rich and that it makes me miserable. i know many people have money problems, and the core of mine is about money, although its completely different. I truly wish he had none. He does not trust anyone, and he has not wasted one single opportunity to let me know that that includes myself, and that everything he owns is only his (not that I want any of it) At first I thought his trust issues would go away with time, but they havent. A while back he started pulling away, he became cold and distant and after prying a lot, I found that he hasnt been happy, and that even before he married me he wasnt sure it was the right thing to do. He feels that he lost his freedom, and that because he is in such a good economic position, he shouldnt need to explain himself to anyone. That he could find women that were happy with gifts and trips for a couple of years and then move on to the next one (his own words). He shouldnt need to commit to one woman, one woman that would lose her youth and eventually her looks and would have nothing to offer him anymore. He says that sometimes he doesnt even feel attracted to me anymore.
Upon questioning hime, he admitted to cheating on me a week after he proposed, although he says he has not done it ever again. I wish I could believe that.
That chain of events spiralled me into a crazy spree. I have become absolutely jealous, extremely possesive, and I have even started to obsessively check his emails and facebook just to prove there is something else. I hate myself for it and cannot, for the life of me stop.
To add insult to injury, I dont have a job, I dont have anything that I can call my own and I feel stuck. It feels like i dug myself deep into a hole I cant get out of. I dont know where to start.
I hate him for making me feel worthless, and ugly (which to be fair im not) and unattractive, and stupid, but I hate myself so much more for letting him.
I believe marriage is forever, and I cant separate the fact that I love him, from he pain it is causing me.
He has recently told me he cant sleep with me, so he has started sleeping in the guest bedroom. He knows and admits that there is something wrong with him and has seeked professional help, but I cant help wondering if it will work, if my work will ever pay off and if he will learn how to love, or if Im just wasting my last couple of good years on someone who couldnt care less about me and who only causes me to question myself all the time.
I feel so sad and lost and cry myself to sleep every night. Hate myself for not finding a solution that can make me whole, and can make me happy once again.
I hate myself for having moved to his house, to his city, to his life and for having completely disregarded my own. I left all my friends, I left my job, I left my future and my family and home and now Im stuck living in a city I hate, in a life that is not even my own. i dont have anything I can call mine, or anything that makes me feel there is a silver lining. I hate myself.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 8, 2013