I Hate My Perfect Life..

My life is viewed as perfect, I come from a priviliged background, I have good health, I'm intelligent, I have decent friends, so why am I always so down?

I always feel that I have a bad life, everything goes wrong and nothing ever seems to come my way, that's my view of it anyway.... Nobody else would agree.

I'm 20 years old, so I haven't exactly had a long life to get to dislike. But I do dislike it, I don't enjoy my life. I'm constantly conscious of everything; my weight, my looks, my clothing, my personality, my life. It's killing me inside.

The thing that worries me most is that I think I might be gay, well, bisexual, I don't want to be. I don't want to have these feelings, I actually sometimes feel sick about it. I have nothing against homosexuals, it's just not me. I don't think my family would accept it, and my friends would change, so why would I want to do that? It would only make this life worse.

I attend university at the moment, debt free, not a care in the world. But I am so deadly unhappy, I can't motivate to do the work, I'm getting fat, people are realising that I'm not quite normal. I have an unhealthy obsession with lying, it just comes out before I can even realise. I have nothing to lie about, like I said, from the outside my life is already perfect.

What, the hell, is wrong with me?!?!?!

I feel suicidal daily. I walk over a bridge every day that would just end my life, the only thing stopping me is the pain it would cause people. I hate that. I want to think about me for once, not other people. People, they take advantage of me, they abuse my nice personality, always taking from me. Never giving back. Nothing.

This is about me, it's not about anyone else. There's nobody I can talk to about how fed up I am. I actually feel hatred towards myself, I make myself feel physically sick, not bulemia. Just me. I hate me.
jamesl7173 jamesl7173
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

This is surreal. I relate to everything, all the way down to attending college debt free. I've earned everything that I could ever hope for, first tier college, Huge scholarship, decent friends, nice car, yet I have this hate for myself resting on my shoulders every day.

My therapist always said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. How you're feeling may be caused by the stress of Uni workload as well as your battle with your sexuality. You are, however, allowed a private life. Coming to terms with your sexuality in yourself is the biggest step in coming out, but it doesn't mean your parents need to know, not at least until you've found someone incredibly important to you of the same sex, if you are bi then that might be someone of the opposite sex in which case it won't matter so much, but coming clean to THEM may be something you should consider. Close friends are the ones whom you should come out to initially, but understand their views on bisexuality and homosexuality first, because you don't want to lose them. A lot of young people now, especially when at Uni, are quite open minded and won't even care about your sexuality. Just remember that once your life gets going, once the ball starts rolling, you'll look back at that bridge and thank yourself for not leaping off it xx