I Have No Real Reason...

I keep crying. I keep sobbing to myself at night out of rage and anger and frustration.
Not just your usual teen-stressy-hormonal outbreaks, but whole-hearted sobbing.
I keep silently longing to leave home, to be free and roam the world.
One day I know I will get my chance to experience and wander the world.
But for so long, I have been aiming all this hatred and rage at my parents, my brother, all those around me, thinking it's their fault for me feeling the way I do.
But it's only me.
I know it's only myself that I hate. Only myself that I am angry at, for all the things I get wrong,for all the horrible things I say that I don't mean to, for all the problems I cause.

I keep searching for this escape, some sort of mental illness or disease I could get to show everyone that I'm not ok. I keep thinking about suicide - but I know I could never commit that. I keep thinking about self-harm but know that it'd never happen because I hate blood.

I want to have all these terrible things to happen to me as a shout-out to everyone to see if anyone actually cares, if anyone sees me and my pain.
The thing is, I have no reason to feel the way I do.
So many other people hate themselves because they've had some sort of negative influence - because of their not-so-caring parents or otherwise.
But with me, I have two parents who trust and support me and I've grown up knowing I can confide in them and tell them anything openly.
So why do I feel this way?
I've told my Mum my problems before, and she's helped me, but here, I can't tell her all this because it's a side of me that I know shouldn't be there. I shouldn't feel this way.I shouldn't hate myself this much.
After all, I have no real reason to ....
WondertheWorld WondertheWorld
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

I know how you feel because I've been there. This might sound vague or irrelevant, but try to get a better exposure and look more into this world. It doesn't actually heighten depression as some would think. Actually when you try reaching out troubled ones, they will be the first ones to thank you and you will start to feel good and distract yourself from agitation a bit. Your support doesn't have to be money or any sorts of material, but a few good words could give a better support.
And of course if you still need diagnosis, go for it but also think about what I told you here.

Please hang in there and dont hurt yourself. Thing's will get better. Ive been where you are. I'm in my 40s but battled depression at your age,its so hard to be your age and struggling. Ive been there. Get help and dont give up!!