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Nothing-without-him

i am always so depressed..... there are only two people i trust, only two people i ever want to be with who ever make me feel even remotely better. one of them i can't often see and the other is my boyfriend, my best friend, and the guy who once broke my heart but is helping me to put it back together now..... and i feel so terrible because i always want to be with him, so i keep him from seeing his friends often...and hes so sweet about it but i know he misses them.... and i want him to be happy and see his friends too, but ......whenever hes with them i'm all alone, and i feel so empty and scared because i'm sick of who i am and all my doubts and what i can't do with my life because of other people stopping me.... and i don't want to be alone... but he's my only friend...... so when hes with all of his i have none......and i can't stand it....... and then i want him with me... and so he does... but then i'm only hurting him and hating my self so much for it...but i don't want him to be with them instead of me.....leaving me all allllllll alone......he's so wonderful and capable of having friends and enjoying them and talking with people and being sociable, like i used to be.... but now my social anxiety and distrust in anyone female is just too strong for me to be happy with others. or the thought of girls being around him when i'm not. it's enough to make me sick......i'm going crazy...and i want to kill myself.... the only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing how much he loves me....because he really does and i couldn't do that to him......i feel so trapped and so lonely and putridly hateful.
his0forever0and0always his0forever0and0always 16-17 Jan 18, 2013

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