Too MuchMy greatest fear is that I am too much. Too much emotion. Too much to handle. Too much anxiety. Too much worry. Too much confusion and insecurity. Too much everything. Because if you're too much, no one will love you.
I think I've always hated myself. I can't remember ever feeling like I truly belonged. I don't seem to know inately what a normal human being should do. I just walk around in this contrived shell that is my publuc personality and act like everything is fine but it isn't. It isn't. I look to others to understand what I should do in most every instance. I feel like I'm always laughing too loud or being too sensitive or being too much 'me'.
I just wish I was someone else. I wish I could be the girl I want to be. I wish I was pretty and smart and funny and cool and hip and mature and amazing and all that. But I'm weird. I need to lose weight. I am told I'm too loud or too silly or too passionate or too...everything.
Some nights I can't sleep until I go over in my head every minute detail of the day I lived. Just in case I had a failure. Because if I failed, as I usually do, then I deserve to be ugly and lame and weird. And of course I don't deserve a boyfriend because I'm too much. No one could handle me. My weirdness would probably drive him away.
Anyways I just wanted to come on here so I could vent that I ******* hate myself. I'm gross. I'm pathetic. I just want to be loved.