Self Hate Is Killing MeI don't know when it started, and i don't know how it started. My therapist says it's probably because of the rape I suffered as a kid. But I don't consider it suffering because I truly forgive him and I don't even think about it that much. I Hate Myself. I hate my body, I hate how I act and I really think it started with body issues. I've never been skinny, i'm 6' tall and 170lbs and that's too much. I see skinny people and I wanna just cut all the fat off. I wanna take a knife and just slice it off. I don't know how many times i've thought about that. I thought eating disorders would help so I started throwing up the little bit of food I ate. And then I lost control. Depression and a lack of control made it spiral into something I can no longer control. I'm typing this with a stomach full of food that I can't hold down. I'm actually gonna go vomit now.
My life has gone so downhill. I know i;m depressed and can take solace in the fact that that's biology. That's something that can be fixed. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning. I made the appointment online while vomiting and am going to finally give in and take some medication. I've gone to therapy, i've tried homeopathic crap and nothing else works. I hate myself and it's killing me but I WILL fix it