Self Hate Is Killing Me

I don't know when it started, and i don't know how it started. My therapist says it's probably because of the rape I suffered as a kid. But I don't consider it suffering because I truly forgive him and I don't even think about it that much. I Hate Myself. I hate my body, I hate how I act and I really think it started with body issues. I've never been skinny, i'm 6' tall and 170lbs and that's too much. I see skinny people and I wanna just cut all the fat off. I wanna take a knife and just slice it off. I don't know how many times i've thought about that. I thought eating disorders would help so I started throwing up the little bit of food I ate. And then I lost control. Depression and a lack of control made it spiral into something I can no longer control. I'm typing this with a stomach full of food that I can't hold down. I'm actually gonna go vomit now.
My life has gone so downhill. I know i;m depressed and can take solace in the fact that that's biology. That's something that can be fixed. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning. I made the appointment online while vomiting and am going to finally give in and take some medication. I've gone to therapy, i've tried homeopathic crap and nothing else works. I hate myself and it's killing me but I WILL fix it
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 23, 2013

You'll pull through this! <3

I have found that finding a passion, something that inspires you to make a difference in this world can snap you right out of a depressive state. After all, people like to feel like their lives have meaning and that they are needed in this world :)

What gave me that sort of meaning was veganism and animal rights. It's like it woke me up and awakened my inner empathy. In a world that is becoming more and more apathetic, a resurgence of empathy, connection, and being aware of social issues (and then doing something about them!)would help create a world we'd all like to live in.

Anyway, this speech inspires a lot of people to make a difference in this world, I suggest you check it out.

That's amazing! I became a vegetarian 3 years ago and am a Pre-vet student. It gave me a purpose. I volunteer in animal rehabilitation and emergency animal clinics. It did make me happier, for awhile, but the depression is making me lose that passion. I stay in bed all day on the weekends instead of volunteering and I feel lost to make myself better

Just vegetarian =O Why not vegan? Here's your vegan starter kit

Also, since you are already a vegetarian, you are more then welcome to talk to like minded people and join us on

Maybe you are losing some sort of motivation and passion within what you are doing?

I find it helps to take breaks and switch to something else you are passionate about and work on that for awhile, so you can come back fresh when you go back to your priority passion. Sorta know what I mean? xD Like, veganism is my priority passion, but that can wear me down sometimes when I do a lot of advocacy, so I take a break for a bit and play some piano, or I draw, hang with friends, and such :)

Maybe it's time for you time, ya know? If you volunteer a lot, maybe it's time to focus on you for a bit, not worry about anything else for awhile ;) You can always come back to it.