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The Ramblings Of The Misunderstood And Self Hating

I'm not a writer and honestly don't really expect anyone to read this. In this very moment I am sitting here with dried tears on my face sitting across from a boyfriend who has just admitted to me that he thinks I think he is an idiot. Why does this have me soooo angry I contemplated sleeping in my car in the middle of a Canadian winter? Because I care about him like crazy. He's the one honest to goodness thing I am grasping at right now when everything else feels like it is falling apart. In yet I sit here wanting to attack him and hit him and hurt him like he hurt me...i know this is wrong and won't solve anything and immediately my feelings turn to hurting myself. Making this horrible feeling go away.

The kicker is I actually went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago to start taking an anti depressant again and the prescription somehow fell out of my purse after three days. 1. I can't get another prescription for a month 2. I can't afford it. I'm in this constant spin of crap. I have terrible luck and feel like I have to jump throw a billion hoops to get anywhere when people beside me jump through three to get to the same spot.

I know its getting bad because I can't even find the motivation to get up for work anymore. I should be happy I have a job right? instead i hate the fact that its the same monotonous thing every day, i pretend that if I had something creative to do, something to do with my degree, that it would make a difference. The smarter side in me thinks no matter what I was doing I would be unhappy because I just hate life.

I hate myself. I hate the way I look and I hate the way I can never seem to find the motivation to change it. I hate the way I sound. I hate that I hate so much. I hate that I have to pretend to be happy everyday. It's exhausting, and lately i hate knowing that suicide is wrong....I wish I could just find a way to end it. I hate that I logic my way into staying into this mess of a life. And it's not for myself its for everybody else that might care.

I have no friends here. I have friends all over the world and yet have no one here. I feel incredibly alone and my one solace is my cat. A freakin' cat. Is that really what my life is? Whats the point?

I can't tell anyone because everyone has this high expectation for me to 'do great things for myself.' I need help but don't have the time off to go see someone and I most likely won't have a boyfriend for long cause whats the point of expecting someone to love you when you don't love yourself?

So whatever, thats what i'm mulling over....sorry to bore you.
kgvstyle kgvstyle 22-25, F 3 Responses Jan 27, 2013

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Wow that was really touching and well written pat on back I know I have no 2 friends but we don't talk much cuz Thay have popular friends that always swoop them away wen I'm trying to talk to them or it's her stupid ******* ******* of a boyfriend that thales her away btw he boyfriend bully's me and she does nothing cuz she loves him so bacicly my best grinds boyfriend beats the shitoutta me every day and no one cares

Talk to him about how much he means to you.. I always love to hear how much I'm loved. I live in poverty with tremors and severe depression. I was on Zoloft for awhile but stopped taking it. I realized I'm in control of my thoughts and behaviors, you have someone waiting for you. Take advantage of that, and remember. Happiness is only real when shared. "Youll never find a rainbow if your looking down"