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Perfect

Even when I'm not there, I just make everyone miserable.
I can't do anything right.
I should really just stop trying.
It's just one big fight.

One fight after another,
I can't get a grip.
And time after time,
I try, but I trip.

I carry so much baggage.
Who could possibly love me?
I don't blame you for hating me,
I'm an idiot. I just make everything sucky.

People tell me all the time,
I'm loved, cherished, and beautiful.
I'm a good person, I have a big heart, I'm fun.
Then why do I feel so evil?

I'm drowning.
If my life is so perfect...
Why do I spend more time wanting to end it,
Trying to end it, than I do trying to live it?

"Perfect"
I've never heard a bigger lie.
I carved it into my thigh,
all the time wanting to die.

I spend my nights anxious.
I cry my eyes out.
I hate myself,
and I'm filled with self doubt.

I'm sorry I'm bad.
I'm such a **** up.
Won't somebody help me
to get my luck up?

I never wanted to be this way.
I never thought I would.
I don't understand how it happened,
I didn't think it could.

I've accepted, finally,
that I should be alive.
I survived flipping my car,
and my attempts at suicide.

Because I failed, does that mean,
I didn't want to die?
No, I just miscalculated.
I did want to die.

I'll be honest, I'll be true.
I was very scared.
I'm terrified of death,
but my pain, I could not bear.

Sometimes I scare myself.
My thoughts are dark and warped.
Maybe I'm a psychopath.
And I should be locked in a ward.

When I'm in the shower,
and the steam blows around the curtain,
I swear someone is on the other side.
I am very certain.

Cautiously, I peer out.
Of course there's no one there.
But sometimes, I hear things, or people.
I'm so scared.

I have many phobias.
Stupid irrational fears.
I'm sick of being scared of nothing.
I'm sick of all the tears.

I didn't do anything wrong.
Why am I always so paranoid?
I always fear that people don't like me,
that I'm viewed as annoying.

Maybe someday, I'll be okay.
Someday I'll meet my fate.
But until then, let me live.
Don't fill me with hate.

I need help, a guiding light.
I'm scared I have no home.
Please send help, search and rescue.
Please bring me back home.
deleted deleted 26-30 Jan 30, 2013

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