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I Hate Myself To The Very Core Of My Existence

I hate myself. Inside and out. There is nothing about myself that I like/love and there is nothing about myself I do not hate. Everything that has happened is entirely my fault. Like why didn't I keep trying to get somone to make my dad stop? Why didn't I try to stop james from enlisting? Why didn't I tell someome sooner about my dad, so that i never would've gotten pregnant?
Everyone says "You can't blame yourself for the actions of others. But, the truth is  I CAN & I DO...
People sit there and lie directly to my face, saying they ARE my friend, but, when it all comes down to it, the minute I go broke, all of my So-Called friends will vanish.
I want nothing more than to fade into the darkness in which I have been trapped in for so long.
There are some very nice people out there. One I met just this morning here, on E.P. I haven't had anyone be so kind to me since James' death.
He made me cry. (***Good tears***) No one has treated me like that since James died...
It makes me fell better kind of, but I still hate my self to the very core of my existence...
deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Feb 3, 2013

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The abuse I suffered was nowhere near as horrible as what you had to endure, yet I am still, 30+ years later, plagued with thoughts of what I should've done differently. I believe I would have had much more internal peace these past decades if I had cut his throat in the night.

When I see others that are abused, particularly children, I do not for a minute think that the abuse is their fault. While in many cases there are things they might do that would make it stop, that is different from saying that they bear responsibility for it.

Do you see the abuse of other children the same way?

I care about you. I do, because I've been where you are now. Where you hate yourself, there's no one to turn to because they don't understand. They really don't. Some people are so stupid at times. They want to give advice for this and that like they know better than you do, about your own life. It makes me sick.

Seriously though, if you just need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. Message me anytime you're available and I will answer. Talking about it to someone who has been involved with countless negative experiences could do some good. Atleast they understand the worthlessness you feel within yourself. Whenever you're ready, I'm here.

I'm very sad for what happened to you, it must be very difficult to live with, I feel very sad, I know that I can't even imagine what it must be like to live with that, but I hope that it helps for me to tell you that you are not alone. Sometimes that helps me get through things.