Another Fake Smile

I've gotten to the point where I have an anxiety attack every time I leave the house and school has just started again. I've been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety & insomnia, and I'm currently seeing a psychologist, a doctor & a psychiatrist, but I don't even think they know how to help me. I just hate every single thing about myself and thinking about dealing with other people makes me feel sick. And it shouldn't, it's not normal at all. It's just a never-ending cycle of self-hatred > trying to solve the problem and think positively > being incapable of thinking positively > self hatred etc.
I am so sick and tired of being this way and I feel like there is not way out. Depression is such a trap, and the saddest part is affects so many people.
I feel so stupid for telling a website but I feel like I have nothing else anymore.
- Lizzie.
LizzieStrange LizzieStrange
2 Responses Feb 5, 2013

Hi Lizzie,

of course I don't know what exactly you feel, but I know how it is when you feel miserable not even know why. Or sometimes you do know why, but you just can't help yourself to stop feeling that way - and you can try think as positively as you want. Everything seems to be pointless, you don't understand why are you even alive, why the world is like it is, why are people so selfish and unscrupulous etc. Well, I think that when you feel so unhappy, you'll start thinking about yourself because one would say that when you can't understand the world, you can at least understand your acting. Then you find many negative things about yourself and start hate yourself, hate the fact that you're unable of being happy and spontaneous and so on. I think that too much thinking is one of the causes of depression. We shouldn't do that. We shouldn't be wondering why things are like they are - and be sad because we can't change them. We should accept the fact that nothing is perfect and there is a lot of things which are depressive. We live just once. This is our life, right now, and you can't hate yourself, because THAT is pointless. I know it's easy to say that, but you have the whole life waiting for you and you can enjoy it, you can live it. Best part? You can choose how you want to live. It's also the most difficult part, but if you have some dreams (if not, someday you will have some for sure), you can go and try to make them true. Don't be wondering about sad things. Don't be living the past and the negatives. Accept the life how it is and try to find tiny things in it, which make you happy. In my opinion, we can't live alone. I mean totally alone. We need some people around us, at least one friend, so that we know that there is someone who cares about us. And there is. Or will be. Just wait, don't give up and your moment will come. Think about your dreams. Choose those who can be fulfilled. And then live them.
I don't think you should be dissimulating. Of course those things which make you sad won't disappear. Just say to yourself (or anyone else): "Ok, I just can't find anything positive about that and it will always make me feel bad, it sucks and I don't want it to be that way." If you feel that you can change it, then try it. If you know it's pointless, then forget it, don't be thinking about it much and do something else instead. Find the good things and let the bad go away. I hope you will find your way and be really happy someday. Good luck. =)