I Hate Myself
Maybe "hate" is too strong of a word for how I feel about myself, but I'll at least say that I don't like myself very much. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where the time has gone, and why it seems that I haven't accomplished much at all.
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I had great dreams growing up, of how I would have my own classroom and balance that and a home life to be the best teacher ever. Then reality kicked in, my (undiagnosed) depression and insecurity took over, and I ended up making a wreck of student teaching and my first (and only) year of teaching. Couple that with the tongue-lashing I got after that year, and I sank into a deep suicidal depression that I'm just now starting to overcome. Although it's flattering for teachers to ask me why I'm not teaching full-time, I know too well that I'm only a substitute because I didn't have what it took to deal with parents or maintaining order in class. "Plan B" isn't always a bad thing, but I often wonder what might have happened if I had been emotionally stronger.
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Maybe I wouldn't be happier if I looked like Halle Berry and had the money to fix every physical flaw. Maybe I'd still feel bad because I'm nowhere near where I hoped to be in life. But I'd certainly feel better if I felt that my efforts were worthwhile and that my life wasn't a treadmill. I'd definitely not be so angry if I didn't feel that my weakened immune system and other circumstances were causing opportunities to slip through my fingers.
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I know I'm no monster, but I wish I felt good about who I am and where I'm going in life. :(
*
I had great dreams growing up, of how I would have my own classroom and balance that and a home life to be the best teacher ever. Then reality kicked in, my (undiagnosed) depression and insecurity took over, and I ended up making a wreck of student teaching and my first (and only) year of teaching. Couple that with the tongue-lashing I got after that year, and I sank into a deep suicidal depression that I'm just now starting to overcome. Although it's flattering for teachers to ask me why I'm not teaching full-time, I know too well that I'm only a substitute because I didn't have what it took to deal with parents or maintaining order in class. "Plan B" isn't always a bad thing, but I often wonder what might have happened if I had been emotionally stronger.
*
Maybe I wouldn't be happier if I looked like Halle Berry and had the money to fix every physical flaw. Maybe I'd still feel bad because I'm nowhere near where I hoped to be in life. But I'd certainly feel better if I felt that my efforts were worthwhile and that my life wasn't a treadmill. I'd definitely not be so angry if I didn't feel that my weakened immune system and other circumstances were causing opportunities to slip through my fingers.
*
I know I'm no monster, but I wish I felt good about who I am and where I'm going in life. :(
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