The Funny Thing IsI'm not the kind of person who could hate myself enough to kill myself. Actually, I could hate myself enough to want to. In fact, I do. But I can't--kill myself that is-- because no matter how much I don't like myself I love others much too closely, I love life much too deeply. I couldn't do that to anyone, no matter how much it kills me to stay alive like this. I will. For my mother and my brothers who I would die and kill for. For my friends, for although they drive me up the wall, make me angry, make me cry, they also make me laugh, and smile, and they lift the invisible weight off of my chest for just a little while.
But sometimes, like today, the weight becomes unbearable.
It's my youngest brothers 14th birthday, the baby, and I called home from university to say that I missed him and to see how he was doing, and I could just breathe for a little while you know? But as soon as that call ended I just wanted to cry. I desperately miss my brothers, more than I thought I would have.
Five minutes later I get a message from my friend who thinks that I've changed. She thinks I've become too stressed, too quiet, too lazy. And in that moment I realized that I had, I had become all of those things and I hadn't even noticed. Too destructive. I had just lost my love of everything. I had lost the effort to try and pretend everything is okay. And yeah, I don't have any severe issues. I wasn't physically abused, my family didn't shun me, I didn't get hated on for my sexuality. But I had no relationship with my father who will forever look down upon my successes as unworthy, my mother is just like me so we fight, I was bullied throughout the entirety of my public school career, occasionally by the siblings I love and cherish, I fell for a boy who used me for my body for six years, I have no one at home I trust because everyone used me, or beat me up, or decided that I had changed because I stopped wanting to be that person who was called unworthy, or stupid, or ugly, I fall for people who are perfectly unattainable because I refuse to sell my self short, and the ones that actually like me I can never feel anything for, because I only see them as friends.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Which is a painful experience I wish no one had to, but know everyone will experience. So I try dedicating my life to making sure no one feels like I do. Training for how to talk to people who are thinking about suicide, how to connect them to help. Listening when anyone needs it, at any hour of the day no matter how tired I am. Offering my home and my food and my time to anyone who wants it.
Because if I can't fix myself--because I am most definitely shattered--I want to help others who still have a chance of piecing themselves back together.