Goody Two Shoes Freak

I was always that weird quiet kid who always knew the answer in school.  My family moved a lot and I was introverted so I didn't have many friends and honestly, I didn't really want any.  I hated kids my age for being stupid and cruel to each other.  I hated adults for lying, for pretending they knew the answers, and for how cruel they were.  I hated girls for being silly, for degrading themselves, for blaming boys for everything, and for how they attacked each other.  I hated boys for how they treated girls, for their hostility towards differences, for their pride in brutality.

Most of all I hated myself.  I could never live up to my ideals.  I keep things hidden.  I wasn't just different, I was a freak.

I'm a transman.  I was born a female and have transitioned into a male with surgery and hormones.  I don't talk about it.  My family doesn't talk about it.  My friends don't know.  My significant other didn't know.

I hate myself for sabatogeing a relationship out of fear of rejection.  I hate myself for falling in love in the first place. 

I spend most of my days off form work and school at my mum's house.  I watch my youngest siblings, clean, cook, fix things.  I hate that I'll feel strong pangs of envy.  While I was growing up my mum was a young single mother with three kids.  My father was abusive, when she remarried, my step father was worse.  At one point we lived in a battered women's shelter. 

I was well behaved, did well in school, and ended up doing the chores, and being a sounding board for problems since I was around six.  It made me paranoid about some things.  I was terrified of driving, suspisious of people, and I still have no faith in sex, romantic relationships, or in marriage. 

If my brothers made an A  in school or even a B he'd get money, a bike, movies.  I made straight A's but that was expected because I always made straight A's.  I was grounded for making a B once. 

My brothers, and my younger sisters had fewer chores, and rarely did those.  They didn't do as well in school.  My grandfather would take my brothers camping, my grandmother would take my little sisters shopping.  I wasn't invited to either.

I hate myself for feeling bitter sometimes for how different I was treated compared to my siblings.  I hate myself for how envious I am of my siblings.  I hate myself because I hate my father, both my ed step fathers.

I hate myself for being a doormat.  For being mr. nice guy.  I'll help people move, pick up a shift for a co-worker, turn the other cheek, drive a friend somewhere, yet I can't ever get anyone to pet sit my cat.  Or talk to when I feel like the world is falling apart.

I hate that I get depressed, sometimes for no real reason.  I'll be fine one day, cheerful, and the next I can't find anything to smile about.


seafall seafall
22 Responses Aug 21, 2008

hello sea fall, i want you to know you are not alone in your experiences, but decide you are somebody, and you will be a winner, make Jesus your best friend, he gives people like us more than the average person has. he blesses and keeps and makes all things possible for you. you are loved, take all the love you need from him and it will translate into your life.

Dear Seafall,
Thank you for your honesty in sharing this story. You've gone through so much, and suffered more than I ever will. People like you inspire me to keep working through my own problems, and to put them in their proper perspective. Please know that you will be in my prayers. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

i really believe if you search for answers you will find them!
start the search.
good luck, and lots of love! :)

I've always envied others. Even though my life is jolly-good, I hate it, and it's selfish of me. You, my good sir, are an amazing person. If I knew you, I would most definitely attempt to help.

Please continue. People like you are the kind of people I love. Finding one is rare, but when you do, they are precious.

you can talk to me if you want...i'll listen to your are a wonderful creation of God..:)

I would look after your cat for you. People like you are very rare in this world, like a rare gem. Don't let others get you down. You are way better than them

Word up

I would look after your cat. I wonder If you feel like no-one would so you don't ask. I am a bit like that myself. I try to ask for favors from the people I have most recently or most often done favors for. They way you ask is important too. "I need a favor, could you look after my cat please. Is better than "um are you doing anything on the week end? " Or I was wondering if there was any chance you could look after my cat? I hope this helps. You must believe that you have the right to ask for assisstance.

Know what.. start liking urself, believe me. ppl will like u when u do.<br />
Get up every morning, make urself the priority. tell urself, "i like myself n i respect myself".

Oh that's terrible, I hope things better maybe you should talk with your parents and friends.

<br />
U JELLY ?!?!

Good to know there are still trolls and folks who only find value in their possessions. Sorry to hear your car is sick.

As far a schooling goes I graduated at 15 valedictorian. I graduated with top honors from college. I have a good job, a nice house, and car. I'm only 25. Those are not the things that make life worth while.

Also I believe you meant lose, as in the opposite of win, not loose, as in you have a screw loose.

"sorry to hear your car is sick" !!! ...just about died laughing

You sick bastard, that poor guy must've had a rough childhood...AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO INSULT HIM?!? I can't stand immature trolls like you (and I hate jocks like you too)! I bet you don't even know him, so why mock someone who has a rough childhood?! Grow up and get a life! Oh, and when you're at it, stop thinking with your **** and start thinking with your brain!

As for you, Seafall, , don't listen to that moron because I'm sure that he just fails at life. I bet he must've been some arrogant jock when he was in high school, always picking on others that weren't like him. Anyway, I see that you must've had a rough childhood and I'm sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you and you sound like a caring sibling. I hope you choose to heal and that you try some counseling. Peace out.

Your an amazing person i say. I wish i could keep that good person attribute about myself. AS I also was known for being caring and giving as a kid. These days i'm upset with how I cant even be there for my brothers and sisters since my mum has past away. I wish there where more more people like you in the world maybe when i get over this severe depression i have at the moment we could go on a value good people in this world crusade.I'll eventually get round to writing my child hood story on here aswell as it is a little similar to yours.

I'm sorry to hear this. You seem like a really nice and caring person, whom I would definately engage with. It is sad to hear how much your surroundings have dragged you down. However, through your self-conscious writing, I feel that you have a lot of resources, of unused powers and that you one day will feel much better and get a better life just because of your personality and your energy. Love from someone on the other side of the world.

forgive the people who hurt and continue life in the direction you want to lead it it seems as though you've chosen to make the people around you happy instead of yourself in order to truly someone else love yourself first.

i want to be like u how ever weird that sounds i love the internet because i can be anonymous and pretend im a guy u are really brave

Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one who goes through it

keep your head up, remember than you are one of gods children and have a special wonderful pupose in life that he has chosen for you. Don't keep beating yourself up, there is nothing you can do about it, so its no use fretting, just keep moving forward.. & we all have our share of problems & you are definintly not alone, but we all have our own talents, and you need to realize them & then expand on that to build positive self esteem..also, it might help to do some routine excersizing, it releases those happy hormones to help yu when ur feelin down...wish u good luck & will pray for you

Yet again another powerful gripping tale of this tragic human experience, which for every new day we breathe & rise from our slumber just seems like a force u cannot c yet feel is tormenting u. Every example u gave in the story signifies everything I despise about this kind we know as humans. I appreciate how u describe the disfunctions that adults, boys, & girls produce bc in truth humans r frustrating creatures that always find a reason to create conflicts & for that they should b destroyed. People who know you should envy you bc I sense s genuinely compassionate person that deserves whatever you may ask. Know this, once you enter the unknown ur power of imagination will b monumental.

Wow, what a hard life you've had seafall. You've mentioned a really sad list of problems, some that I feel I can never comment on, like your sexuality. It's hard when others haven't treat you how you should have been. <br />
<br />
I think maybe there's always been alot expected of you so they have just expected you to do well? To be able to handle everything? Whereas with your siblings, it wasn't expected of them to get an A, so they were rewarded. It's really awful that you were treat differently. Do you think this has played a part into you feeling inferior or in not trusting yourself with others?<br />
<br />
Alot of people have issues letting others in. The only advice I could ever give to this is to be honest with the person you love. You're honest with yourself, everyone here can see you're a lovely, smart person. Surely a romantic interest would feel the same way, even if you revealed things to them that you're scared of revealing? <br />
<br />
At the end of the day, taking that chance to bare all and make yourself vunerable can be the most refreshing and worth while thing you can do. Other times doing it in the past has caused hurt, but I think it's sad when a past experience stops you either having a loving relationship or good friendships. Talking to someone who you know might help? Sometimes everyone keeps things hidden and will feel similar things to you? Maybe people you don't expect?<br />
<br />
Believe in yourself and maybe try to start afresh? Do something that scares you and take a chance - you never know, it might just pay off and be the start of something beautiful.<br />
<br />
Lots of love,<br />
Hollie x

You sound like a good person. You first need to stop hating yourself. You are worthy of love, respect and understanding. You need to let go of the animosity you have for your family and their naive mistakes. You don't appear to have made any mistakes by what you have written. You sound like you just are having a hard time letting go of the past. Remember that the past is unchangeable, the future is yours to mold as you see fit. I am no psychiatrist but I believe that we all reach a point in our lives where we have to say " It's time for me to be me, let everyone else be responsible for their own lives and get on with mine. You are too intelligent and caring of a person to let the past drag you down. You have to be open to the love and happiness that you deserve in order to receive it. I have faith in you and I don't even know you; now it's your turn to have faith in you, you can do it. Good luck and God bless friend.

Interesting story; I'm glad you've shared it. From what you said, I don't find reasons for you to hate yourself. I find reasons to resent people who have treated you poorly, as well as our society in general. You sound like a good person, and if we were in the same town, we'd make good friends.

That's an amazing story! There are so many different elements to it that it makes it hard to comment...<br />
I can't think of anything to say about the transman part of your story, it seems like something you spent a great deal of time thinking about and it was a big decision and you made it, I hope that is working out for you. The not-telling-your-spouse part sounds like a bad call and something you regret, I don't blame you because it's so easy to be rejected by others and fear can be a horrible thing. It sounds like you hate the way you were treated growing up and how your being used now by others. <br />
Well you seem like a very nice person. It seems like you have a lot of issues with your past and how people treat you now. I can totally relate to the depression and all I can say is medication and therapy can only help... I'm glad you found your way here... I have found some very nice people here who help me figure out life. I wish you well.<br />
<br />
Take Care & Be Well~