I Don'T Know What To Do...I am constantly consumed by all this self hate... I don't even know where to start.
I am not good at anything. I literally have no talents. I used to be smart, but I kind of fked that up. So now I am what...nice? Honestly my self judgement has been spilling over to others lately so I don't even think I can consider myself a decent human being anymore. I have squandered all the potential I have ever had and now I am just too-- depressed (overwhelmed, confused?) to even try to do anything about it. I never finish anything I start anyway... just not enough motivation, and nothing motivates me for long.
I know my depression is destroying my relationship. I almost think I am doing it on purpose... some kind of shtty self fulfilling prophecy bullshit that I trap myself in.
I can't even validate my own thoughts and feelings. They all feel wrong-- like they are all coming from some made up sense of self. I am constantly struggling with this crazy inner turmoil. For example...
I decide to blow off a friend and stay home and sleep instead because I can't get out of bed. Even though I know for a fact that getting up and out would make me feel better, I refuse to do it. (maybe because the positive feelings are so fleeting?)
Then I proceed to trash myself for how much of a shtty friend I am, and I throw a mini pitty party for how I ruin everything and always fail ect...
Then I tell myself to stop being such a pansy, that I shouldn't get so upset and it's stupid for me to feel that way. That that's not the kind of person I want to/should be, and to suck it up.
Then it circles back into more and more self hate. I just pile on a big sloppy contradicting mess of insults to myself. It's hard to explain really.
When I try to be ob
>dropped out of high school
>stopped writing, reading, and doing anything productive
>dropped out of college and fked up my financial aid
>got kicked out of my parents house
>got my car stolen by my best friend and roommate (of course this is my fault, I befriended her after all)
>had to move in with my girlfriend's mom (jesus I am pathetic)
>my girlfriend drives me to work everyday, which, by the way is a dead end, low paying cashier job that doesn't even generate enough money to allow me to save any of it (thus solidifying my trapped-ness) which, by the way, is my second job (at 20 years old) so I have virtually no experience or employable skills
I am not interesting, all I do is play video games and hang out with my girlfriend. (Who is wonderful by the way and I am totally fking it up by being so depressed.) I pretty much have no friends since the falling out I had with my best friend, and the friends I do have I never get to hang out with because I live 40 min away with no car, and no money. I can't talk to them either because I don't have and can't afford a phone. I don't really have a very solidified personality. I don't know what I want from life. I can't make decisions, I can't focus, and I feel like I can't get better.
My girlfriend has been struggling with depression too, and I can't offer her any support whatsoever because I am falling apart like a gloppy, poorly made paper mache sculpture. And I feel like the only reason she hasn't broken up with my shtty unstable butt is because I have nowhere else to go if she does.
I hate being such a burden on everyone.
I hate the fact that nothing I do is ever good enough to make any sort of progress.
I hate that I have to offer myself up on some website because I can't talk to anyone.
I hate that I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
I hate that I have no identity.
I hate my past self for mistakes, my present self for being unable to deal with those mistakes (and for setting up a really shtty future) and I hate my future self already because I know that I will suck.
Even now I feel stupid and pathetic, and like everything I wrote here is invalid--like I am making it seem worse than it is. (although I also feel like I am not accurately portraying how terrible I feel) Or that I am just being a pansy and I don't deserved to be helped. Like my life is really not that bad and there is so many worse situations in other people's lives that desperately need attention and I am unjustly taking it from them. Is that crazy?
I am completely lost.
I apologize for my terrible grammar and my dirty language by the way...
shannaissad 18-21 3 Responses 0 Feb 21, 2013