I Don'T Know What To Do...

I am constantly consumed by all this self hate... I don't even know where to start.
I am not good at anything. I literally have no talents. I used to be smart, but I kind of fked that up. So now I am what...nice? Honestly my self judgement has been spilling over to others lately so I don't even think I can consider myself a decent human being anymore. I have squandered all the potential I have ever had and now I am just too-- depressed (overwhelmed, confused?) to even try to do anything about it. I never finish anything I start anyway... just not enough motivation, and nothing motivates me for long.

I know my depression is destroying my relationship. I almost think I am doing it on purpose... some kind of shtty self fulfilling prophecy bullshit that I trap myself in.

I can't even validate my own thoughts and feelings. They all feel wrong-- like they are all coming from some made up sense of self. I am constantly struggling with this crazy inner turmoil. For example...
I decide to blow off a friend and stay home and sleep instead because I can't get out of bed. Even though I know for a fact that getting up and out would make me feel better, I refuse to do it. (maybe because the positive feelings are so fleeting?)
Then I proceed to trash myself for how much of a shtty friend I am, and I throw a mini pitty party for how I ruin everything and always fail ect...
Then I tell myself to stop being such a pansy, that I shouldn't get so upset and it's stupid for me to feel that way. That that's not the kind of person I want to/should be, and to suck it up.
Then it circles back into more and more self hate. I just pile on a big sloppy contradicting mess of insults to myself. It's hard to explain really.

When I try to be objective all I can conclude is that my existence is literally pointless.
>dropped out of high school
>stopped writing, reading, and doing anything productive
>dropped out of college and fked up my financial aid
>got kicked out of my parents house
>got my car stolen by my best friend and roommate (of course this is my fault, I befriended her after all)
>had to move in with my girlfriend's mom (jesus I am pathetic)
>my girlfriend drives me to work everyday, which, by the way is a dead end, low paying cashier job that doesn't even generate enough money to allow me to save any of it (thus solidifying my trapped-ness) which, by the way, is my second job (at 20 years old) so I have virtually no experience or employable skills

I am not interesting, all I do is play video games and hang out with my girlfriend. (Who is wonderful by the way and I am totally fking it up by being so depressed.) I pretty much have no friends since the falling out I had with my best friend, and the friends I do have I never get to hang out with because I live 40 min away with no car, and no money. I can't talk to them either because I don't have and can't afford a phone. I don't really have a very solidified personality. I don't know what I want from life. I can't make decisions, I can't focus, and I feel like I can't get better.

My girlfriend has been struggling with depression too, and I can't offer her any support whatsoever because I am falling apart like a gloppy, poorly made paper mache sculpture. And I feel like the only reason she hasn't broken up with my shtty unstable butt is because I have nowhere else to go if she does.

I hate being such a burden on everyone.
I hate the fact that nothing I do is ever good enough to make any sort of progress.
I hate that I have to offer myself up on some website because I can't talk to anyone.
I hate that I have nothing to offer anyone anymore.
I hate that I have no identity.
I hate my past self for mistakes, my present self for being unable to deal with those mistakes (and for setting up a really shtty future) and I hate my future self already because I know that I will suck.

Even now I feel stupid and pathetic, and like everything I wrote here is invalid--like I am making it seem worse than it is. (although I also feel like I am not accurately portraying how terrible I feel) Or that I am just being a pansy and I don't deserved to be helped. Like my life is really not that bad and there is so many worse situations in other people's lives that desperately need attention and I am unjustly taking it from them. Is that crazy?

I am completely lost.

I apologize for my terrible grammar and my dirty language by the way...
shannaissad shannaissad
3 Responses Feb 21, 2013

I saw one reoccurring theme... That you were telling yourself how useless you are. The first thing you need to do is LOVE yourself.... Change your thinking! You will be surprised how powerful the brain in. If you get up each morning and tell yourself (even if you believe it or not) you are beautiful, you are loved, you are Not what people say, you are special, you deserve respect, you dont care what others think or say because you will prove them wrong and you are worthy of friendship.....eventually all those things will come true. "Self talk" is the most powerful thing you have. People will treat you differently when you are confident in yourself .If you do not repeat old ways, people will forget about any mistakes you made. When you are kind and caring and compassionate, others will see in a different light. You need to find a hobby or interest....sport, music, club, etc that you enjoy and find friends that enjoy the same. Do something that is helping others always gives a feeling of worthiness. Join a church group maybe. Say today.... this is the first day of the rest of my life and start over. As you change, others will see you that way. People treat you by the attitude you have about yourself. Any situation is only HOW you FEEL about it. Crappy job... there are many that would gladly take it. Have to live with others... be thankful you are not on the street. I did not hear one single thing you said that would classify you as a bad person. What you are facing is more common than being successful. Life is what you make it. Yes there are people who have it much worse than you, there always is. Your feelings are real and only you can change them by seeing misfortune as experiences that make you stronger and better. I am praying that God will guide you and keep you strong.

I am much older than you but I know what these feelings are like, really. But I think, reading what you wrote: you are very articulate and explain your feelings well, and you're boviously intelligent. I know I can't do mush to help you, but I think you are capable of helping yourself, but have not yet found out how. We are all very much the same, but still unique. You have strengths that I and even you do not yet know about. Maybe you just don't have enough challenges, the kind that make you get up and wanna try.. Stop kicking your own butt black and blue. You are clearly not just an ***, because you seem to care about the people around even though you claim you don't. Maybe all you need is just to go a little deeper than before until you find those passions and strengths that are within yourself. I sincerely hope you find your way here, and wish you the very best. I really think you have it in you, and I am basing this on what I read here in between the lines, not on some concept that anyone can get out there and do it. Find your true self in whatever way you can. One day you will find the journey was worth it. You are young and there are surprises awaiting you.... We all know the bad happens, but learn to be a miner for gold :)

sorry about the typos on the third line :P

don't apologize for who you are.you need God.and me? :D ignore the pressures draining you.i can't play video game and get laughed at it all the time.See!you're gifted so show yourself to everyone.We deserve you.You're born to be happy not to be manipulated by everyone else.