Mixed Up

I'm so lonely, all the time. I'm 19 and have been alone for a while, people seem to want to be around me, like me, I just cant process that as being possible. I am 47kgs but always feel the need to starve myself until I cant see or think properly. I can be high and confident for a day...two maybe, then I have weeks of just wanting to die. I will work so damn hard at anything I do, succeed and still feel like a failure. I wont go near the opposite sex for anything except if they want to have sex with me, I feel used and always let it happen, its as if I'm only here for that purpose....am I?

I have brought myself up through my teenage years, my mum committed suicide when I was 14 and my dad was already long gone, he left us after his abuse was seen by others. I moved from foster homes around 15 times, abuse mid teens again in homes. Away from my siblings, my extended family seemed to ignore me, acholic, sex fiend, cutter, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, crippling loneliness...blah blah, after everything I have stayed positive to some extent, always saying I'm not the worst off, which I'm not! Always knowing/hoping things will get better, always hoping/trying not to be left behind again its just not getting easier. I am able to hide my sadness and how I think of myself to some extent, thats OK, whats hard is I cant fathom how other people can see me differently...its just an abstract idea to me. I hear all the time 'you have done so well', 'your such a beautiful girl', 'I respect you', and I always have people coming to me for support and advise, I still feel like I am a bad bad person, as if I don't/shouldn't exist.

My logic can say that it is in my mind, I do this to myself...but my logic never wins.

gallowsgirl gallowsgirl
Sep 7, 2008