Self-Hatred And Graduation Dinner

I really hate myself, ever since... I don't know when, maybe in the 2nd year of my secondary school, or in the 3rd. I can't be specific that which part of me I hate the most, as I hate myself for every part of me. However, I have been trying to act normal for the past years, though I sometimes scold myself or even hurt myself in my room.

The problem appears when it comes to graduation dinner. I came from a quite prestigious girls' school in my country, where students are usually rich and able to show off their branded clothes in non-uniform school days, yet I am not one of those. Graduation dinner in my school's tradition is no different with "America's Top Model", I guess you see what I mean here now, do you? They all dress in world-classed dresses with expensive jeweleries, and loud makeup. I originally want to go to the graduation dinner with my one-and-only-one skirt, but I can already foreseen that I am going to be strongly boycotted by my classmates with my "penurious" outfit. Meanwhile, I started to feel like I look really ugly, and it would only make it worse if I add a lot of decorations on me, so I'd better hide myself at home than to participate in the graduation dinner.

My father, a man who doesn't know about the intense atmosphere in my school's graduation dinner, keep on asking me questions for not going to graduation dinner. I told him about the situation with a few sentence, then he started to say words like "students aren't suppose to wear like fashion models, it is impossible for your classmates to dress up like that at graduation dinner." Okay, now I reassure you it is possible, it has already be happening in my school for more than half of the century. My father still don't understand what kind of school I have been studying. His action of putting me on the competition table only stress me out, making me feel much more inferior.

I have a few friends in this school, though I seldom tell them about myself, I still truly like them. I have also got a few favourite teacher, who I'd like to meet them again at the graduation dinner. Yet my hatred towards self and my fear towards the teasing is pushing me away from the once-in-a-lifetime high school graduation. I rejected to join the graduation dinner already, yet it makes me more unhappy.
Rauo Rauo
Jul 6, 2013