Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I Hate Who I Am

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate everything I am. I go to bed every night wishing I would wakeup with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car wreck or have a massive heart attack. That would show them wouldn’t it. Would anyone really care if I was gone? I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be a real man and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I had done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.
Sorriso Sorriso 46-50, M 300 Responses Jul 10, 2007

Your Response

Cancel

I hate myself because I lost my little boys because of someone who wouldn't stop stealing from me, whom was probably my abusive ex husband or the neighbor who was in a gang which practiced petty theft all the time. I should've kept my mouth shut about being stolen from and my boys would never have been taken away. I'm stuck in a rut praying begging God to bring them home. I have my daughter and other son but I need my boys too. I am weak and powerless and pathetic and seem to run into a brick wall with every effort I make to better my life in hopes they will come home to me. I'm lost and walking around in raw pain, in a beaten bloody exposed soul screaming out without being heard. I'm dying inside a little more every day and yet I'm already dead. Nothing hurts more than not being able to hug your kids or hear their voice. I have been betrayed by half my family who judges me and say I'm sick and I'm not a Christian and I dont deserve my kids even though I did them no wrong. They were not malnourished had no cavities, bathed every day when they were home. I made sure they went to church, talked to them about God, told and read them stories, kept them in cute clothes, all kinds of stuff but I've been treated like I'm bad because I was screwed over by a sticky fingered their and a seedy underhanded dishonest foster care worker, and her hired dishonest parent aids. I'm sick in my heart and my stomach and I ache for my little boys. I don't believe in the justice system anymore or protective services because they break the law to break up families. I can't stand myself cause I couldn't stop the injustice. Even my little sister told someone else she hoped I'd kill myself and she doesn't even know me. She only knows the lies she was fed by foster care and she has my kids. If I were as sick as she believes I would kill her but I have more scruples than that. She would feel the same if I did it to her...

Hello, I'm a man and I feel much like you... why I don know, may be it is this 'feminist' brainwashing making us all 'equal', turning us into working bees... I don't know... but the good thing is that we men now know what is to feel depressed like a woman and you women know what are the burdens and pains of men.
Nevertheless, it feels like all is wrong. We lost our families, our roots, our identity and become faceless uni-sex slaves.... fcuk you Zionist racists for spreading your loath and hateress over the world and destroying our families - you really deserve your merciless so-called 'god' an he is punishing you for a reason.

I have been trying to figure out how my end can benefit my family and have come up with nothing at this point. I lost my job while my husband was in Afghanistan and the day our only son was in the hospital because of a febral seizure. Everyone was shocked I was let go, but I knew it was vendetta from my boss thinking I was out to get her or make her look bad. B*tches who hated me because I wanted them to f*ing work. 2 years later I moved across the country and have not had one phone call in 2 months except my mother. Stuck at home with no job, a house we haven't yet sold and all expenses, rent and all expenses fof new horribly expensive city and why this **** is my family tortured? I need to find a way they benefit since we cannot afford this one mors month. Son's birthday is coming up and holidays, so need to do something if anyone has ideas on how to benefit or collect!!!!! Please!!!!!

I have the same problem. This has been happening to me ever since I was a small lad. I am now 22 too and still have suicidal thoughts. I've been through many suicide prevention class and even certified to teach it myself. I attempted suicide 3 times and never went through with it because of my love for God and my loved ones. But I can't follow my own advice. I still have many suicidal thoughts and hope for death. I don't want to live like this anymore! It's like some times I can't control it and the thought of my own death constantly runs through the my head. I need help!

I feel the same way. No one EVER notices. Even when I'm crying right in front of my husband. He doesn't care. Why would he though right? I have no friends. There is one being on this earth that might care but that's my dog so that doesn't matter either right. I Dont want to be here anymore!

I know life is hard I feel the same way

Even if I want to love myself, the reality bites me everyday on my *** showing how useless and worthless I am. Even if I want to think positive, the truth is I have no job, no money, no real friends, no marriage, no kids, no boyfriends, no husbands, no house, no car, no property, no future goals, ugly *** looks, thinning grey hair, receding gums, yellow teeth, hardly 5 feet, bloated lardy body, no social skills, no courage...I could go on but I'm so tired pretending to be happy about all these real truths that bite me. How can I face these painful truth about me everyday? Being a realist it's hard.

Beautifully worded, I think. You've captured everything a lot of us in here have felt or hoped for or envisioned. So that's spectacular. However, it makes me feel bad feeling this way because I have no reason to. It makes me a selfish brat. So I've GOT to change, simply for all the people who have been through stuff while I've been through nothing, yet are greater people than I'll ever be. I can't do this anymore.

I hate myself for my lifestyle... but I don't want to die

Youre not a bad person at all..You are LONELY, and just need someone to fulfill that void in your soul which is what makes you feel useless. I know cause i feel like you 90 percent of the time , especially when my brainwashing alienating ex keeps my children from me.......on MY time> lONELINESS CAN wreck havock

I hate myself too. I often have the same thoughts as yours. I'm in pain, but no one, not even a single person notice it. I know how it feels... Stay strong cuz you're not a loser....

God loves you so much. The problem isn't that He doesn't forgive you. You're beating yourself over the head by what you've done. This is self-condemnation. The devil is an accuser and he is going to continue to through your shortcomings in your face, but God already said He sent His only begotten son to die on the cross to pay for our sins. Don't beat yourself up with it. You're forgiven. It's grace. Look at the story of Judas. When he felt remorse and threw his money down he repented because he chose Christ. When he took his own life over guilt for his actions, that's when he rejected Christ. The devil searches for people to devour. Let it go, you're forgiven. God still loves you dearly. He loves you just as much as He loves Jesus. Don't let the guilt destroy you. It nearly destroyed me, but God saved me from that and maybe, just maybe He wanted me to talk to you about this. I am in the center of this struggle of self-hate because I've realized what I've done. Don't let the devil claim you. Don't blame God. He isn't forsaking you, nor is He terrorizing you with anguish. Look back at your actions and understand the reasons for them and use them to be compassionate towards others and understand others. Read the bible. Know God. There is no condemnation for those under Christ, so don't convict yourself. And it is stated a Christian will stumble several times a day but pick himself back up. Once you let the accuser get a foothold, he is going to try to convince you to reject God and convince you that you are purely evil. You sinned, you're forgiven, but if you're one of God's you are not truly evil despite your sins. Think about the good people you've met in your life. All fall short of God's glory. You aren't a pathetic loser.

For some time I thought it was a delusion and that people didnt hate me as much as I disliked me, how could they? I am the only one who seems to have all the negative energy but this belief system is getting worse I believe so strongly that I am hated at work. I am not smart enough, attractive enough seen as weird creepy Ive alsked people what the problem is with me they say no one has a problem with you so what the **** ia going on here? people can feel how they want. I was hayed for real growing up by my father and brother told nasty stuff and I believe others see me the same way. having counselling to try to deal with it. feel dark and desperate. I understand how others feel. I have put on weight I am asked at work if im pregnant im not I just say im expecting a cake not a baby ! I comfort eat boredom and to fill one big emptiness .

" im expecting a cake not a baby," from this alone i say find an open mic night and blast the best comedy stuff you can come up with! You might be able to take all of your self-hazing and bring a few laughter to some people.

What did it do to deserve this, why won't anyone tell me what is so I can fix it instead of just hurting/punishing more? My own mother can't even muster up one kind non degrading thing to say to me. My sentiments exactly! So what do you do? I'm too afraid to just end it because obviously I have such bad karma that at this point i'll go straight to hell.... so what am I supposed to do? Just live in this rediculous pain until nature finally takes it's course and puts me out of this living hell?

I feel the same way you do. I wish I would just have a heart attack or something. I hate felling like this all the time. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I would probably end it if it was not for my wife and kid who need me. I sleep all the time to escape feeling bad.

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWDiXN8nAx4&feature=youtu.be

I am so sorry for you... but I know how you feel, the drive I had before I was 50 is gone... even being in good enough health to give birth at age 46 and having a 5 yr old at my age (51) is just not enough... without a job..

We were all born alone. We were born with innate hatred towards the world but we were taught to love. The pain that you feel is exactly how I feel too. I've never felt so dark in all my life but I have seen another way to see things. I see light in places I never thought I could imagine. What light do you see at the end of the road. Do not cry and do not grieve because no one that you know will ever understand your pain all you have to do is play along and try to see the world as a better place then you think it to be. If you want to talk write to me

I feel where u are coming from.. with me is a brave face on the front inside Im bruised and damaged

I understand where you are coming from. I used to hate myself, as a child and adolescent. But when I turned 17 or 18, I begin to relize that I am worth something in society. So my advice to you would be, to hold your head up high like I did, and relize, you are worth something in society like I did. And treat yourself that way, and begin to relize that you are not alone, but that other people also care about you, and want to assist you.

just today I got a detention from school for wagging school and not presenting assessment in my first period when I didn't wag school and I was home feeling sick and then I went to school not reporting that I was away for that time. I feel so miserable I cant get out of this sadness. I feel worthless and I cannot stop crying. I hate myself for not doing anything about it. I hate school because I have no friends to hang out with and I hate who I am and how ugly I am.

wana die so much .i hate all the ppl in the world ..i am fat yeap i got that but why all the ppl make joke to me ..and i am a loser coz i'm so afraid everytime they look at me .i don't wanna go outside anymore coz i know all of their eyes seem so "wow wow "some ppl say openly wow u are so f**..and they laugh .in my school, the same thing happened to me ..so i went only 3 days in a week ..coz i'm so afraid..and why do i am laughed ???why ..i know that answer ..yeap i make thin to myself ..but i have some disease that can't make my body weight lose i dunno why ..i am a 17 year old girl .but i wanna die so much right now .i hate ppl ..i hate my life....why am i alive??

I feel the same. I hate that I'm turning 50. I feel so old. I don't feel I've accomplished anything of worth in my life. I went to college and earned a certificate in a field that is difficult to find work in the small town I live in, but my husband has worked at his job for 25 years. I am on medication to keep me on an even keel but I still want to cry all of the time, and I feel like I'm an idiot for feeling that way. I live in an excellent country, I have a great husband and kids, but I feel like my position in life could be filled by anyone else. I am out of work right now and don't feel anyone will hire a 50 year old. I am uninspiring to my children. I have tried therapy but that doesn't seem to help. I just feel I am destined to feel this way for the rest of my life.

HI...I'M TURNING 50 IN JUNE .....I HATE IT...NOW I KNOW HOW THE OLD PEOPLE FELT...DEPRESSED AND WORTHLESS. DEPRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS:) I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP US IF WE TYPED ABOUT IT ....LAUGHED ABOUT.... MIGHT MAKE THINGS BETTER....MAYBE TO KNOW HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR....LIKE WE SHOULD GET MEDALS LIKE GIRLSCOUTS...AND EAT COOKIES....GLUTEN FREE FOR ME. GLUTEN DEPRESSED ME ..CAUSING PANIC ATTACKS... I HAD SOME GLUTEN FREE BROWNIES....DAMN THOSE WERE GOOD:)

Believe me, you are not a loser....i read this posting and had such deep empathy, I cried, I cried because I know of this pain you live with everyday of your life because I would like to say "that was me"; however, it still is, It's just only over the years I've learned how to cope somewhat better. It is just a disease you have to allow yourself to face,DEPRESSION....I have it,have had it all my life,and with series of unfortunate events doesn't quite add up well together. Good things do occur,and when they do,live in that moment,cherish and count those blessings. There are many hardships and misfortunes in life, but be happy for those that you do not fall upon. I know it is by far so easy to say because being so depressed hunts you down even at your happiest,...you are never alone,...just know that when you focus on a happy time or moment and know that tomorrow is always a new day to wipe slate clean and to just look forward to the next thing that makes you smile. Clues of inspiration ly within you to open your eyes and find a better day ahead. I've struggled throughout the years....it gets more promising. Do something good for yourself sometimes,you deserve it.

I too have experienced all these things...
I even thought of running away from home or to die just like that. But the thing that kept me going was... I felt that each and everyone born in this world should have a purpose in life.. Find yours.. Keep searching and don't ever think about dying... Cowards only die.. Be brave enough to face your life. All the best friends. :)

I'm so sorry. I don't know the answer to any of your questions. But I feel the exact same way. I weep for us.

Noone can just get over feelings of self hate. They dwell inside for so long and fester. But eventually things change. Something or someone comes along, and it provides the distraction or cure or whatever is needed. It gets better, or changes into something you can handle better. Just don't give up on life.

i feel the same way too and i really feel the disapointment in myself. the same question why am i here. why am i still existing if there are a lot of people need it the most. if i can just donate my life i would be glad to give this as a charity. id never did right in my life.

my parents separated. they have their own separate ways and lives now and with their own loving kids. then who am i? i just wanted to be happy so i can cherish life.

id never had parents and i dont know how it feels to have one. if i have problems i dont have someone to talk to or someone who can even comfort me

i just wanna die and get lost but i do not have enough courage

if someone knows a hired killer please give me a favor and help me end this up... i really wanted to rest now. i feel old of all of this *****
name is jhonnatan advincula 21 y/o male 104 edinburgh st greenpark village mangahan pasig city metro manila philippines

Siempre que me miro en el espejo lloro por como soy por lo que digo por cosas que he hecho en el pasado, se me hace tan dificil y aburrida esta vida no le hayo sentido, me e dado cuenta que hasta incomodo a la gente con mi mirada,me siento cansada todo el tiempo todos se alejan de mi, ni yo me entiendo a veces, me meto en juegos para matar el tiempo para no pensar en la realidad a la ves tambien soy egoista por que pienso de esta manera y tengo hijos

Oh wow reading everyones comments is so depressing. I too am depressed and have recently had a change of medications. I would love to die during the night peacefully. I feel it is so hard to continue some days. The only thing that gets me out of bed and functioning to a reasonable level are my children. I cannot hold down a job i tend to walk away when it gets too hard. It is the nasty personalities and my lack of confidence in myself that has made me leave on 2 occasions more recently. I just want these negative thoughts and feelings to stop. I don't know how much longer i can tolerate this. Its a horrible place to be in.