I Hate Who I Am

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate everything I am. I go to bed every night wishing I would wakeup with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car wreck or have a massive heart attack. That would show them wouldn’t it. Would anyone really care if I was gone? I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can't I be a real man and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I had done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.
Sorriso Sorriso
46-50, M
299 Responses Jul 10, 2007

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I know how you feel your not alone but your not a loser I feel exactly how you feel right now I know what it's like I want you to know that I may not see you but I can feel your pain your are not alone

I hate myself because I lost my little boys because of someone who wouldn't stop stealing from me, whom was probably my abusive ex husband or the neighbor who was in a gang which practiced petty theft all the time. I should've kept my mouth shut about being stolen from and my boys would never have been taken away. I'm stuck in a rut praying begging God to bring them home. I have my daughter and other son but I need my boys too. I am weak and powerless and pathetic and seem to run into a brick wall with every effort I make to better my life in hopes they will come home to me. I'm lost and walking around in raw pain, in a beaten bloody exposed soul screaming out without being heard. I'm dying inside a little more every day and yet I'm already dead. Nothing hurts more than not being able to hug your kids or hear their voice. I have been betrayed by half my family who judges me and say I'm sick and I'm not a Christian and I dont deserve my kids even though I did them no wrong. They were not malnourished had no cavities, bathed every day when they were home. I made sure they went to church, talked to them about God, told and read them stories, kept them in cute clothes, all kinds of stuff but I've been treated like I'm bad because I was screwed over by a sticky fingered their and a seedy underhanded dishonest foster care worker, and her hired dishonest parent aids. I'm sick in my heart and my stomach and I ache for my little boys. I don't believe in the justice system anymore or protective services because they break the law to break up families. I can't stand myself cause I couldn't stop the injustice. Even my little sister told someone else she hoped I'd kill myself and she doesn't even know me. She only knows the lies she was fed by foster care and she has my kids. If I were as sick as she believes I would kill her but I have more scruples than that. She would feel the same if I did it to her...

Hello, I'm a man and I feel much like you... why I don know, may be it is this 'feminist' brainwashing making us all 'equal', turning us into working bees... I don't know... but the good thing is that we men now know what is to feel depressed like a woman and you women know what are the burdens and pains of men.
Nevertheless, it feels like all is wrong. We lost our families, our roots, our identity and become faceless uni-sex slaves.... fcuk you Zionist racists for spreading your loath and hateress over the world and destroying our families - you really deserve your merciless so-called 'god' an he is punishing you for a reason.

I have been trying to figure out how my end can benefit my family and have come up with nothing at this point. I lost my job while my husband was in Afghanistan and the day our only son was in the hospital because of a febral seizure. Everyone was shocked I was let go, but I knew it was vendetta from my boss thinking I was out to get her or make her look bad. B*tches who hated me because I wanted them to f*ing work. 2 years later I moved across the country and have not had one phone call in 2 months except my mother. Stuck at home with no job, a house we haven't yet sold and all expenses, rent and all expenses fof new horribly expensive city and why this **** is my family tortured? I need to find a way they benefit since we cannot afford this one mors month. Son's birthday is coming up and holidays, so need to do something if anyone has ideas on how to benefit or collect!!!!! Please!!!!!

I have the same problem. This has been happening to me ever since I was a small lad. I am now 22 too and still have suicidal thoughts. I've been through many suicide prevention class and even certified to teach it myself. I attempted suicide 3 times and never went through with it because of my love for God and my loved ones. But I can't follow my own advice. I still have many suicidal thoughts and hope for death. I don't want to live like this anymore! It's like some times I can't control it and the thought of my own death constantly runs through the my head. I need help!

I feel the same way. No one EVER notices. Even when I'm crying right in front of my husband. He doesn't care. Why would he though right? I have no friends. There is one being on this earth that might care but that's my dog so that doesn't matter either right. I Dont want to be here anymore!

Believe me you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Please don't give up !!!!

I know life is hard I feel the same way

Even if I want to love myself, the reality bites me everyday on my *** showing how useless and worthless I am. Even if I want to think positive, the truth is I have no job, no money, no real friends, no marriage, no kids, no boyfriends, no husbands, no house, no car, no property, no future goals, ugly *** looks, thinning grey hair, receding gums, yellow teeth, hardly 5 feet, bloated lardy body, no social skills, no courage...I could go on but I'm so tired pretending to be happy about all these real truths that bite me. How can I face these painful truth about me everyday? Being a realist it's hard.

The hardest part of my pain is finding a reason to stay alive one day just to hurt the next

Being a realist like you say you are you know what you hate about yourself,time to focus on what you love about you

I hate myself for my lifestyle... but I don't want to die

I hate my lifestyle also but my family sim to think I love beening an addict on the street so that's where they push me out into the street,the absence of there love is killing me its not that hard to stay clean out here but when I do get high I figure hell why not nothing else out here thats when I forget about me I'm out here better keep my head up

Youre not a bad person at all..You are LONELY, and just need someone to fulfill that void in your soul which is what makes you feel useless. I know cause i feel like you 90 percent of the time , especially when my brainwashing alienating ex keeps my children from me.......on MY time> lONELINESS CAN wreck havock

I hate myself too. I often have the same thoughts as yours. I'm in pain, but no one, not even a single person notice it. I know how it feels... Stay strong cuz you're not a loser....

God loves you so much. The problem isn't that He doesn't forgive you. You're beating yourself over the head by what you've done. This is self-condemnation. The devil is an accuser and he is going to continue to through your shortcomings in your face, but God already said He sent His only begotten son to die on the cross to pay for our sins. Don't beat yourself up with it. You're forgiven. It's grace. Look at the story of Judas. When he felt remorse and threw his money down he repented because he chose Christ. When he took his own life over guilt for his actions, that's when he rejected Christ. The devil searches for people to devour. Let it go, you're forgiven. God still loves you dearly. He loves you just as much as He loves Jesus. Don't let the guilt destroy you. It nearly destroyed me, but God saved me from that and maybe, just maybe He wanted me to talk to you about this. I am in the center of this struggle of self-hate because I've realized what I've done. Don't let the devil claim you. Don't blame God. He isn't forsaking you, nor is He terrorizing you with anguish. Look back at your actions and understand the reasons for them and use them to be compassionate towards others and understand others. Read the bible. Know God. There is no condemnation for those under Christ, so don't convict yourself. And it is stated a Christian will stumble several times a day but pick himself back up. Once you let the accuser get a foothold, he is going to try to convince you to reject God and convince you that you are purely evil. You sinned, you're forgiven, but if you're one of God's you are not truly evil despite your sins. Think about the good people you've met in your life. All fall short of God's glory. You aren't a pathetic loser.

For some time I thought it was a delusion and that people didnt hate me as much as I disliked me, how could they? I am the only one who seems to have all the negative energy but this belief system is getting worse I believe so strongly that I am hated at work. I am not smart enough, attractive enough seen as weird creepy Ive alsked people what the problem is with me they say no one has a problem with you so what the **** ia going on here? people can feel how they want. I was hayed for real growing up by my father and brother told nasty stuff and I believe others see me the same way. having counselling to try to deal with it. feel dark and desperate. I understand how others feel. I have put on weight I am asked at work if im pregnant im not I just say im expecting a cake not a baby ! I comfort eat boredom and to fill one big emptiness .

" im expecting a cake not a baby," from this alone i say find an open mic night and blast the best comedy stuff you can come up with! You might be able to take all of your self-hazing and bring a few laughter to some people.

What did it do to deserve this, why won't anyone tell me what is so I can fix it instead of just hurting/punishing more? My own mother can't even muster up one kind non degrading thing to say to me. My sentiments exactly! So what do you do? I'm too afraid to just end it because obviously I have such bad karma that at this point i'll go straight to hell.... so what am I supposed to do? Just live in this rediculous pain until nature finally takes it's course and puts me out of this living hell?

I feel the same way you do. I wish I would just have a heart attack or something. I hate felling like this all the time. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I would probably end it if it was not for my wife and kid who need me. I sleep all the time to escape feeling bad.

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)

I am so sorry for you... but I know how you feel, the drive I had before I was 50 is gone... even being in good enough health to give birth at age 46 and having a 5 yr old at my age (51) is just not enough... without a job..

We were all born alone. We were born with innate hatred towards the world but we were taught to love. The pain that you feel is exactly how I feel too. I've never felt so dark in all my life but I have seen another way to see things. I see light in places I never thought I could imagine. What light do you see at the end of the road. Do not cry and do not grieve because no one that you know will ever understand your pain all you have to do is play along and try to see the world as a better place then you think it to be. If you want to talk write to me

I feel where u are coming from.. with me is a brave face on the front inside Im bruised and damaged

I understand where you are coming from. I used to hate myself, as a child and adolescent. But when I turned 17 or 18, I begin to relize that I am worth something in society. So my advice to you would be, to hold your head up high like I did, and relize, you are worth something in society like I did. And treat yourself that way, and begin to relize that you are not alone, but that other people also care about you, and want to assist you.

just today I got a detention from school for wagging school and not presenting assessment in my first period when I didn't wag school and I was home feeling sick and then I went to school not reporting that I was away for that time. I feel so miserable I cant get out of this sadness. I feel worthless and I cannot stop crying. I hate myself for not doing anything about it. I hate school because I have no friends to hang out with and I hate who I am and how ugly I am.

wana die so much .i hate all the ppl in the world ..i am fat yeap i got that but why all the ppl make joke to me ..and i am a loser coz i'm so afraid everytime they look at me .i don't wanna go outside anymore coz i know all of their eyes seem so "wow wow "some ppl say openly wow u are so f**..and they laugh .in my school, the same thing happened to me ..so i went only 3 days in a week ..coz i'm so afraid..and why do i am laughed ???why ..i know that answer ..yeap i make thin to myself ..but i have some disease that can't make my body weight lose i dunno why ..i am a 17 year old girl .but i wanna die so much right now .i hate ppl ..i hate my life....why am i alive??

I feel the same. I hate that I'm turning 50. I feel so old. I don't feel I've accomplished anything of worth in my life. I went to college and earned a certificate in a field that is difficult to find work in the small town I live in, but my husband has worked at his job for 25 years. I am on medication to keep me on an even keel but I still want to cry all of the time, and I feel like I'm an idiot for feeling that way. I live in an excellent country, I have a great husband and kids, but I feel like my position in life could be filled by anyone else. I am out of work right now and don't feel anyone will hire a 50 year old. I am uninspiring to my children. I have tried therapy but that doesn't seem to help. I just feel I am destined to feel this way for the rest of my life.


Believe me, you are not a loser....i read this posting and had such deep empathy, I cried, I cried because I know of this pain you live with everyday of your life because I would like to say "that was me"; however, it still is, It's just only over the years I've learned how to cope somewhat better. It is just a disease you have to allow yourself to face,DEPRESSION....I have it,have had it all my life,and with series of unfortunate events doesn't quite add up well together. Good things do occur,and when they do,live in that moment,cherish and count those blessings. There are many hardships and misfortunes in life, but be happy for those that you do not fall upon. I know it is by far so easy to say because being so depressed hunts you down even at your happiest,...you are never alone,...just know that when you focus on a happy time or moment and know that tomorrow is always a new day to wipe slate clean and to just look forward to the next thing that makes you smile. Clues of inspiration ly within you to open your eyes and find a better day ahead. I've struggled throughout the years....it gets more promising. Do something good for yourself sometimes,you deserve it.

I too have experienced all these things...
I even thought of running away from home or to die just like that. But the thing that kept me going was... I felt that each and everyone born in this world should have a purpose in life.. Find yours.. Keep searching and don't ever think about dying... Cowards only die.. Be brave enough to face your life. All the best friends. :)

I'm so sorry. I don't know the answer to any of your questions. But I feel the exact same way. I weep for us.

Noone can just get over feelings of self hate. They dwell inside for so long and fester. But eventually things change. Something or someone comes along, and it provides the distraction or cure or whatever is needed. It gets better, or changes into something you can handle better. Just don't give up on life.

i feel the same way too and i really feel the disapointment in myself. the same question why am i here. why am i still existing if there are a lot of people need it the most. if i can just donate my life i would be glad to give this as a charity. id never did right in my life.

my parents separated. they have their own separate ways and lives now and with their own loving kids. then who am i? i just wanted to be happy so i can cherish life.

id never had parents and i dont know how it feels to have one. if i have problems i dont have someone to talk to or someone who can even comfort me

i just wanna die and get lost but i do not have enough courage

if someone knows a hired killer please give me a favor and help me end this up... i really wanted to rest now. i feel old of all of this *****
name is jhonnatan advincula 21 y/o male 104 edinburgh st greenpark village mangahan pasig city metro manila philippines

Siempre que me miro en el espejo lloro por como soy por lo que digo por cosas que he hecho en el pasado, se me hace tan dificil y aburrida esta vida no le hayo sentido, me e dado cuenta que hasta incomodo a la gente con mi mirada,me siento cansada todo el tiempo todos se alejan de mi, ni yo me entiendo a veces, me meto en juegos para matar el tiempo para no pensar en la realidad a la ves tambien soy egoista por que pienso de esta manera y tengo hijos

Oh wow reading everyones comments is so depressing. I too am depressed and have recently had a change of medications. I would love to die during the night peacefully. I feel it is so hard to continue some days. The only thing that gets me out of bed and functioning to a reasonable level are my children. I cannot hold down a job i tend to walk away when it gets too hard. It is the nasty personalities and my lack of confidence in myself that has made me leave on 2 occasions more recently. I just want these negative thoughts and feelings to stop. I don't know how much longer i can tolerate this. Its a horrible place to be in.

I hate myself too. I hate everything in my life. School isn't any better.. I want to die. I've always wondered why I was still alive while people that had diseases wanted to live life to the fullest. I'm just a waste of human life and my existence is meaningless. I normally cry everyday after school or during lunch in the bathrooms due to bullying. I know I'm ugly, I get it. It's like they don't realize I already know this, If I could change the way I looked, sounded, don't you think I would? I don't eat much any more and I've lost a lot of interest in things that I did love like drawing, playing the violin,and hanging with friends. Drawing was my only escapes and enjoyment in life and they took that away from me. Now I have nothing. When ever my parents ask me to do the dishes I just silently hover over the sink with knives in my hand thinking how nice it'll be to slit my wrist or to stab myself. I can't take it anymore, when ever I tell people I hate them or I want to kill myself they think I'm joking, but in reality I'm not. I've had thoughts of bringing a gun to school and killing everyone and then myself but I could never do that. No matter how much they made me feel like an unwanted useless piece of **** I wouldn't hurt anyone. I think my time on this world is coming to an end soon. I'm in so much pain and I just want it all to end. I know it will crush a few people that I care about but I can no longer live on this planet. Maybe god will hate me when I kill myself? Maybe I'll go to hell and probably suffer more. At this point I don't care anymore and I wish everyone the best. Goodbye. Also I just wanted to say that my mother and father are the most amazing people in my life. They have always believed in me when ever I was in doubt and I can't thank them much more for it. I'm very sorry to disappoint them or anyone that looked up to me in anyway, but I hope you all understand.

Don't you dare die! Continue your interest. Bullies aren't at home to stop you from doing so. Tell your principle about them, change your school, talk to your parents! Those two amazing people will die without you!
I don't know if there's any God or if we're born for a purpose. But what I do know is that you have been born to a decent family which you mustn't take for granted.
P.S. A relative (whose very smart) once told me that those who bottle everything inside them always end up with such suicidal thoughts.

God doesn't make junk! U are somebody! Someone loves u, Somebody cares! Life his a B****! But hang in there! U can chat with me anytime!

I know these thoughts all too well when it comes to asking, "why can't I be a real man?" My demon is alcohol that fuels these depressive thoughts. I let my wife and daughter down time after time until I stop for a while. Then, after some time, I slowly go back to my old ways. Alcohol only magnifies the poor self image that seems to be at my doorstep, held at bay by only a screen door. I feel like a fake, a fraud, who is only pretending to be a firefighter, a dad, a husband, a soldier, and a man of God. I fight through the day and try to not to think about how I embarrassed myself and my family but sometimes I can't escape my own thoughts and just want to crawl away and die. But I also know that life CAN be good, when I'm not self-destructive.

I know how you're feeling. I call it being too self-aware. Not only do you hate everything about yourself, but you hate yourself for feeling that way! People say you can train your mind to stop thinking that way...I haven't figured out how to do that yet. Try going to a few psychology appointments and see how it works for you. If you've already tried that, try again I guess. Life doesn't have to be ****** and isn't supposed to be. You just have to find your thing. Spend some time in nature....it'a really healthy for the soul. Oh! And take risks. Conquer some fears. That can do a lot for a person. Good luck with your journey. :)

I would care if you we're gone. I don't even know you, but I'd care.

NO one notices, because they have their own problems, each and every one succumbed in their own thoughts and processes. And on the other hand - do you know what would make you happy and not sad?

I don't like myself either. I'm extremely self critical. I have vent it to random people or friends, in art, or dance. It's hard sometimes because people get tired of listening to us vent. I do this thing where I rotate the people I complain to. People will get sad if you pass then they will forget about it since life goes on. Just do what you enjoy even if you hate yourself.

Hi. I have been here so many times. Go see a doctor and get some counselling or therapy. Those are the first things you need to do your doctor will help, could you have depression? Excercise and eat healthily. It can make a difference. Also self help books help what you can get from your local library or cheap from amazon. Look for ones with titles beginning with the word 'overcoming' like overcoming depression and overcoming low self esteem. The self esteem one is so helpful. You don't need to go through life feeling awful all the time but you need to get some support and help and make some changes for things to improve. Good luck and message me anytime

Wow, I feel for you. I have pain also. I'm angry but not as angry as you. I also was very angry at God for what I've been through and had to watch everyone get ahead of me while I struggled ten times more than they did. Angry? Yes! God doesn't only care about selfish people. I know there's going to be many people before me in the end. He loves the poor, mentally ill, and those who have to struggle more. The people who have so much more than you do and care about no one but themselves are going to be last in heaven. I believe that.

I, also hate myself. I was so close to not surviving my birth and I wish I hadn't. I know life is a gift but I have had so much suffering and no one knows about it. I spend a lot of time weeping for myself. If only, if only, if only. Why? I should accept and love myself. I have so many character flaws and I am weak. I am a fool. That is it and I can't change it. Only a few accept me now. Only now that we are getting elderly. But when we were young they shunned me, embarrassed with what I was and not like them and that I was related to them, making me feel totally unworthy of having relationships with anyone. But I loved them and forgave them. They were nasty to me and cruel. Making me feel so low that I almost killed myself and they wouldn't have cared. I wish I could have traded places with them and been cruel to them when they needed me the most but I know i could never do that to them. Why did I forgive them? I am mad at myself for even that. I'm weak. I hate myself. People have been so mean because I'm weak.

I've felt like this for most of my adult life. I agree with everything hiphopdontstop said.

It was only recently that I came to realise that I was the biggest judge of myself so I felt as though everyone else was judging me the same. But I'm trying to curb this thought process now because it brings me such pain & sadness.

You need to try & stop being so hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Try and work on the things that you really don't like about yourself and embrace the rest of who you are. Hopefully you can find that balance and be some form of happy.

When you get there you have then gotta think, this is me and those that don't like who I am can **** off. Once you get to the point where you don't give a **** what people think, the opinions of those the DO judge you, won't even matter and you will spend less time feeling low.

As I say to all my fellow EP users. I'm here if you need a chat. This place has really helped me. I hope you can find some peace and happiness in your life. Everybody deserves that. Keep Your Head Up and Stay Strong. *hug*

I enjoy your answer.
Ah a female who relates.
Yet i know how this will end. I am a control freak. In the deep down, subconscious we all know what we are going to do.

I don\'t try anything, i just do it. ha ha. Zombie.
I don\'t talk ****, i actually do it.
So when i am committed it\'s like there\'s no turning back.
When, where, how? Listen to George Carlins rant on suicide. It\'s wonderful.

I know how depression feels. I tried to kill myself And I don't like seeing people go thru the same dark place I was
(((FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE not what you don't like and don't want)))

I just hope someone listens and snaps out of this bad thinking.

You tried? LOL!

You are sooooooo luck to be alive and breathing and in a proper state of mind to be able to even vocalize your opinions.
Some can not speak.
Some can not see.
Some can not walk or move.
Some can not even think.

Use all if the gifts you have been given to do something good for someone else who is suffering instead of thinking of what you hate about yourself.

You must think about what you want your life to be and make it a reality.

If you continue thinking about all the things you "hate" you will get more and more of them.

Think about this...
1.) You are alive: life is a gift. you were not aborted like some other children are. That means you must have a reason for existing otherwise you wouldn't.
2.) You can read and write!: Which means you have had the opportunity of education. Use it to help others like you.

even i feel the same....i feel disgusted about myself, thinking who the hell i am, for what am i still living???? even i've been abused for few years emotionally and physically and i get panic attacks and nightmares all the time, i feel so worthless i just can't explain :( ;(

Wow, I may be much younger than you are but I feel your pain. Everyone seriously does have a purpose in life. Don't give up, you still have a long beautiful life to live. :) I wish you luck!

As you get older, things seem to sink in more than when you are 19 years old.

I think the hardest part about being depressed is attempting to "appear happy" when you never really are. Depression robs you of any happy feelings you may stray upon and turns them into doubt and self-loathing. Compliments manifest in my brain as "...if you only knew what a piece of crap I was, you wouldn't be saying that." Interacting with others becomes an emotionally stressful chore that there is no way to avoid....at least if you are trying to maintain the facade of normality. The fact that I know for certain that I am going to die and cease to exist some day (could be 5 minutes, could be 60 years) colors every moment of my life and I can't find a way to escape it. Everyone I love and will ever love is doomed to die and I can't rationally believe in a higher power that permits all of this suffering. I feel like my life is an exercise in futility with a predetermined outcome that I can't escape. I am envious of those that can manage to distract themselves from this inevitability and it only drives me deeper and deeper into despair. I think people as a whole are too keenly aware of these facts and are trying desperately to distract themselves from death....music, movies, Internet, sports, philosophy, science....all distractions from death. I try to tell myself that, if there is no way to change it, why not simply attempt to be happy since the outcome will be the same? If you know how this can be done, please share it with the rest of us!!

Bravo. I understand.

Compliments manifest in my brain as \"...if you only knew what a piece of crap I was, you wouldn\'t be saying that.\" Interacting with others becomes an emotionally stressful chore that there is no way to avoid....at least if you are trying to maintain the facade of normality

you wrote everything i am thinking. If i was original, I would have wrote that myself.

i am sorry to say this but god is a bastard himself. he only cares about the really selfish people. I have been suffering through the years of mental anguish, emotional tramau, and suffered for years for physical and sexual abuse. Nothing has changed over the years only that I have become more reclusive and withdrawn from everyone and every ******* thing in my life. I do not care about a thing. i hope i end up in prison or better yet even dead because that is what i deserve. God will never ever bless me with a decent job, home, or even a mother ******* husband. I HATE LIFE

I am unworthy of love, Iam incapable of an unguarded moment because Iam always conscious of how much I despise myself. I will die alone and frankly don't give a damn. I thought great things would happen in my life- I believed a lie. I don't care if I live or die yet I get cosmetic surgery because when I look in the mirror and want to puke. There's no way out. I can only muster the energy to go to work. I have no hobbies and sit in front of the tv for hours. When friends do call, I make excuses to not hang out. Some people are destined to be alone. I am one of them. Acceptance doesn't bring peace, but what choice is there?

I hate myself too. I am weak and pathetic. I gave up on everything in life because one person let me down and my "life ideal" didnt work out. I have a better job than I deserve and am in incredible shape because I work hard at it and some may say I even obsess about it. I have loving birds as pets. Apart from that I dont have anything. I no longer have interest in much at all and just exists day to day. People at work know something is "off" but they have no idea how sad and disinterested in life I truly am. I dont wish tragic diseases to myself but I do sometimes think about how I could end things or how better I would be if I wasnt here anymore. Sad thing is I have had all the chances to have a great life. Good upbringing, school, job, etc. I flushed it all away. I once was in a great marriage and felt peaceful when I went to bed every night. Not anymore. I hardly interact with anyone anymore. Just a few people because I have to. I dont know how to get myself out of this but still have hope that things can turn around and I do not want to give up yet.

For a long time I walked around with a cloud over my head. It seemed like everything was working against me. You know what helped? I stopped believing in God. It seemed to help with the "cloud" but the sun hasnt come back. Its like being in limbo, but its better than being in hell. I prayed for God to give me friends when I was young, I prayed for God to stop the teasing. I wanted to be normal. Suicide was a constant thought by the age of 12. God is nonexistent and prayer is false hope. I just live day by day but I could not care less about bettering myself.

Hey buddy.
I couldn't help but notice our similarities.
Fact: I hope to develop cancer and die.
Fact: People do not see my misery.
Fact: I wonder why God puts me through these tests.
Fact: I hate myself, always have.

Our differences
Fact: I am an undergraduate in Finland.
Fact: I'm 20.

I went to the bridge to contemplate whether to jump off today. Apparently I didn't. I hope you didn't either. I figure there is still hope. I know your post was in 2007 but anyhow I wanted to write this.

Only 20? Come be sad with me.

i'm 19, yet much depressed i feel like dying is a "need" to me :(

Yeah. I know exactly how you feel. I look at myself and think that I am one of the ugliest people that has ever walked this Earth. I wonder why I can't look like all the other girls, petite with long hair down to their butts, a nice smile and perfectly tanned skin. It's all an image that just depresses the hell out out me. I tried not eating, and that didn't work. And now, the blade is my friend. If I could drink legally, it would probably be a bottle of Daniels. Maybe it's a good thing that I don't have access to that. :/ I need help.

me 2 I also think I am broken

what the hell u guys are depressed just coz of ur looks!!!! i would have been more lucky if i had been in ur place yaar :(

I know what you mean. I'm a girl and six feet tall ! I feel like the most ugly stupid person that exists . I've had two bad marriages , have no friends and think about suicide 24/7. I've always hated everything about myself and compare myself to all the other girls :(. I smoke cause I hope it gives me cancer and puts an end to all this

isn't it strange how so many people feel this way? I constantly feel ashamed of who i am, the mistakes i keep making, feeling like the world would be better off without me because i am pathetic, and can't cope with life the way everybody else does. I feel like I'm getting better, and then i take a blow that reminds me that i fooled myself everyday that i was happy being me, trying to detach myself from anything and just trying to make my own life easier to survive, being selfish and not thinking. but thats not who i want to be, i want to change and be strong, put people who i love first and do all i can to do right by them, find a way to follow my dream career and feel like I'm good enough, grow up and stand on my own two feet without having a mental breakdown all the time. i think the first step is to forgive ourselves for who we have been, and think about who we want to be and keep that at the fore front of our minds. we need to make mistakes to find our true selves. we need to be honest with the people we love and learn to put the past behind us, because we are not our mistakes, we are that voice that tells us to keep fighting, that voice is your best friend. don't give up on that voice and don't let the negative voice drag you down. we deserve happiness. none of us are perfect, and we are not as alone as we think we are. life is there to test us and for us to find out who we are. if we are not happy, its because we are still growing. we can't let this life defeat us so keep fighting, accept help where you need it and be there for the people who help you. Ive been so low I've been on the verge of suicide. but there is always hope even if you can't see it yet. we all have a purpose and a reason to live, even if that reason is something we don't know or as small as doing something kind or inspiring, even taking the time to write this post, because all these little things are what make you a good person, and what you will be remembered for. i hope i can help somebody, this page has made me realise i am not on my own.

Thank you. This made my day a whole lot better.

thank you ac20. Your post here gave me a lot of hope when I needed it most. You definitely helped some body today.

My God. This is me...in every post I can feel the pain everyone speaks of because I carry it too. The worry, the emptiness...the guilt for being weak and unable to find a way to 'restore' me. The loneliness of knowing that no one gets it or sees it. The feeling of being unworthy to everyone and everything. It's not self-pity, because from my perspective it's not as though I feel like I deserve to have any sort of life. For me, it's as if I am the puzzle piece in the box that doesn't fit anywhere. The odd one out. I look forward to going to sleep the minute I wake up because it's the only time that I don't have to worry or feel like crap about how I have failed in some way. I put the effort, the hours, the energy and the love behind all things in my life - but I don't feel any joy anymore. No hobbies, not music, not art, not cooking...all the things I used to enjoy. I am hollow.

I don't fit with other people, I don't fit in my life. I feel like I let people down in my life every day.
I have a better husband than I deserve, a better job than I deserve, I have been successful (by societal terms), but no true friends. I work hard to hide my pain and function as best I can in my day to day. Underneath all that...I dread going to sleep every night because I know it's going to lead to another day. I get hurt by people easily and something about me is easily despisable...I push people away, even though desperately I wish I didn't. I am 35 years old and have been feeling this way silently for a little over ten years. I don't know what it is about me that is hard to embrace. I am unloveable.

I could never end my life because the pain it would cause my mother and father (my brother wouldn't object much), and my husband. Which leads me to another day where my heart just feels like it's going to break. I just want to fade away. Like a leaf in autumn just blows away.

I couldn't feel more like the words you wrote. Everyday feels like the worst day of my life. I beg for death everyday

You are not alone at all. I wake up feeling like this. There have been days when death has looked attractive, but then I remember that if I wasn't here there would be one less soul to share in our collective suffering. I am no martyr but I know how powerful a sense of community can be and I have been searching for my fit for a long time. I still am. Through my struggles I have stopped along the way, shared my story and read others and I found over and over again a sense of real humanity. In pain and suffering I am willing to stand beside you.

Sometimes you just have to say F*** it. This is all just temporary and we will understand it on the other side. And NO they don't "see how much pain you are in" because they are to busy trying to get through their own s***. I believe what Ralph Waldo Emerson said is true, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.”
If you're like me, you may be the only friend you've trully got so don't be so hard on yourself. Do the best you can and F*** the rest.

You and I are one....., from our profile pic to our mentality. I have no answers but at least I know I'm not alone. For that, I can thank you.

I think we should legally be able to choose to end our life and just go in peace and quiet, just get burned less $$ ..lol. Unless u save up for a Big Bang !! Lol...there's too many people in the world as it is. People having kids who can't afford ****. But keep popping them out and for what so they realize this world sucks and by age 7 want out. C'mon We should all come together and help us end it peacefully

You/We are not alone...as we all testify together on here...Hold on, BE strong!

I had once also wished that I had some disease that would end my suffering. I now have MS. My true suffering is now only beginning. If I could only go back and slap the **** out of the girl that wished such horrible things upon herself. Your will to thrive may be failing you, but your body failing you has a distinct quality of morbid helplessness. The point is practice fitness and eat healthy. Do yourself a favor and take care of your body, even if you hate your ******* brain and want it to die. I regret that it took this terrible illness to realize that my body is actually THERE, and MINE, and it's life is...fleeting and will be snuffed soon.

I have MS too
i feel like i got it for a payback of all the horrible things ive done. Everyday is hard pretending to be happy & do what needs done.

ok i think someone will now if you die and your family prob does care and live you but you dont see it and everyone on this earth is here for a reason so dont say that about your self

So we should realize what's important is not to feel like **** about ourselves. Not on the other hand amazing about ourselves. People wake up! this is life. we can't just sail through it feeling great and pursuing our dreams and fantasies. We've all been fuked with. Most of what you dream about won't even make you feel as great as you think. Even if you can look the way you want to look, be able to live a life you have imagined in your head to be the "happy" life, you'll still run into issues and be dissatisfied. For millions the fact you have food and don't have to worry about it and have a family is UTOPIA. The problem we all have is we're very immersed in negativity and its compounded by a very misconstrued perception of what life should be like and an addiction to increasingly dwell on ourselves. How do we stop it ? Stop being so self obsessed and focus on the universe around you and others! "There is a psychological myth going around that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. The real truth is that many people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another.On the other hand, we all know people who are in love with themselves (they're called narcissists). When someone is totally self-absorbed, he or she many not have room in their hearts to care for another human being. When looks, power or charisma begin to fade, many people with this issue find themselves very depressed and very alone."

Life's unfair and many of us stand victimized in one way or the other. I don't deserve to say this but no matter how bad/unfair the situation is the only way in life is to get back up in the ring and start fighting. Stay knocked down for too long and no one's gonna give a f*** and they'll walk all over you and life really is a fight. You think life give's a damn if your ill and can't come up with a good fight. We are too idealistic. Most of us have given false messages of what reality is and the cruel cold world is very different and we don't stand a chance in changing it. A poor hungry boy knows he's poor, has seen the suffering around him and knows there is only one way out and most of these poor kids don't whine and complain like us. It's time we started working on our 'weak' minds and embrace the tough battle! Believe me when i say this as i have learnt through my share of painful experiences no one will ever feel for you the way you do about yourself, not even the ones dearest to you, not even God. It's better to hope and keep losing than not to hope at all. Good luck!

Oh wow, been feeling this way for 10 odd years, I'm 25 now, fantastic to see I'll still feel this way for the next 20, 30, 40 years(!) if I still feel this way by 30 maybe something'll have to happen. Pure BS that time heals everything...

I felt like you in my teens and twenties...straight A student, highly involved...suicidal inside. Always trying to be what others wanted me to be. I broke free finally when I was 37yrs old... but at 44 I am fighting it again.Falling back into the old habits. Perhaps we have conditioned to let others set their standards and their goals. Yet, as I look at them, I think...no...this is not me....my happiness deserves to be fulfilled and recognized. It truly is a constant struggle!

Wow, Im not the only one. I Iive a miserable life. Im at the point where im popping xanax pills everyday just to sleep and not be awake to think of how sad and empty I feel. I feel like the most unattrative person. It sucks living with a person that you dont love at all! And the person that you do love can careless about you! I really wish I could be with the person that brings meaning to my life, but that is never going to happend. Till then, I'll just sleep and let the world pass by. Nothing else matters to me, but the love of my life. How I wish I could touch his heart just a little, so he can know how I feel:(

awww sad4og it will get better.. im guessing you lost the love of your life? or atleast that is how it sounds. but i am also without the love of my life but im not severly depressed or anxiety ridden over it because after years of fighting for her an noticing no change i realized i need to give her space to love herself an figure out her self worth maybe even seek help becuz she has alot of issues that have stemmed from her horrible childhood and although i loved her more than anyone ever, i need to give her this time. if i didnt, she would cling to me and never quite grow up because she would be more worried about keeping my love an the relationship over growing up. an in return i would stay falling in love with brokeness and subjecting myself to hurt an pain of being in love with someone that continues to act out in childish attentive ways towards other guys for love cuz she hasent quite realized that becuz there is some negativity in a relationship, DOES NOT MEAN that im not in love with her.. an i cant give her another chance until she comes to grip with reality or loving herself an leting her childhood go!! if i did i would be an idiot aka gluton for punishment.. with that being said, sad4og, ive noticed by your statement that u seem like the manic depressent type of person with highs and lows an was just wondering if like theirs another side to this.. did you make your love insecure?? are you insecure?? do you have self esteem or trust issues that may have scared your love? did you leave him? did he leave you an what makes this guy so special to where your THIS UPSET over him not being there??

I also can't believe how many people are in the same boat! I blame T.V. :p

Perhaps said as a joke, but I'm finding that my mood is altered after watching shows now.. when I get actually involved with them it's like my hopes are destroyed when I realise that they don't translate into reality.

We are all comparing ourselves with things which are not possible, and while I'm no activist, I'm very conscious of that.

At the end of the day what is the point of thinking like that? Everyone has low feelings, myself included, but I think well everyone must go through similar experiences not everyone can deal with bad situations perfectly. What helped me is making the most of opportunities and if theres none coming your way look for them. Set yourself goals and find satisfaction from things that make you feel good. Helping people, helps yourself. It gives a sense of satisfaction that you did that certain something that made someone elses life that little bit better. You will be amazed at how a little bit of sunshine cheers everyone up. Get outdoors or jet off somewhere nice. Live life for the now. Spoil yourself. :-) Hope this helps xxxxxxxxxxx

I hate my ******* self.... very pathetic life, I hate the talk about God, sometimes I just feel like dieing and ending it all up. I know very soon it will be over. I dont see myself living above 38.

i want to kill myself,i feel like the biggest piece of trash this world has to offer,ive been told that all my life,so what does it matter if i live or die,no one loves me,all my old friends dont talk to me and i dont know why. i feel like im a burden to my family,i dont even care what happens to me, i just want to be free from all of this,im always sad and i wish it wasnt like this.its hard to even talk to a woman because im self concious because of how ive been treated.and being hurt emotionally everyday,i tell them i need help but they tell me im just pretending and i am like 25 miles from a hospital.so i just cant take a bus there.i wish things would change

I am sorry you feel this way. I think people say things like they think you are pretending so they arent reminded that they dont like themselves either. I have recently learned that most people I know are in one way or another unhappy. Either its what we have done or something that has been done to us, its hurt. No one wants to hurt because, well, it hurts. However, we are all a part of this same life and we were all born when we were born to "crash" into others who either need us or vice versa. I have betrayed the person that trusted me and I can't forgive myself. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now, there is a huge boulder in the way (my self hate) I really wish the best for you and know that once you crash into the person who needs you, you will have self worth and happiness again... <3

I' too am one of the people on the self pity self hate road. I was born to a mother that made no effort to hide the fact that she didnt like me. I have spent all of my life trying to find my place and have helped eveybody including my mother to only be knocked down and not feel worthy to be in any ones company. I have 2 grown Kids that use and abuse me. I am sad,so sad but I smile for eveyone . I cry into my pillow at night and hope to god I dont wake up. Everyday is challenging, just to try and find a reason to want to go on.
I have tried everything , but nothing works. I dont think that its a cop out to take your own life. I believe if there is nothing left to stay for , why hang around and suffer.

Me too.

i hate myself too.. i hate the feeling that people never notices you're already bleeding..you smile even though you wanted to scream and breakdown.. don't worry you are not alone..we're here for you friend..:)

It's nice to know there are good folks out there...trying to make someone else see beauty in themselves. We're all in the same boat, some of us make bigger mistakes than others but like one person above said..at least you admit your flaws. I too have always hated what I saw in the mirror, and feel like the butt of everyone's jokes. I've went to sleep many nights hoping not to wake up. I think a lot of us are yearning for the same thing.....forgiveness....at least that is true in my case. I don't want to go through life feeling this way. I'm fixing to be 48 years old and have been experiencing health problems. I'm terrified that death will take me to a hell more painful than the one I've been living.

Remember when you were young and your whole life was still in front of you? Stop letting the world and other people bring you down. Get up and don't give up. There is plenty of time left still, experiences that will be fulfilling and make you glad you persevered. Just start tomorrow saying "I'm going to have a good day" and take it just one day at a time. Don't be afraid to live there is all eternity for what is on the other side of this life.....live dammit, LIVE!

I do hate myself too. I am very nice, sweet, beautiful, wise, happy, kind, friendly, talented... You name it, but still i can't find true friends, nobody understands me and i feel very sad. when i was less talented, wise and had no children, everybody wanted to be mynfriend, but more i know, less people want to hang out with me. And why is that? I am so sad i can't finish my stor

Aah, like minds. Kindred souls. I also typed in the words 'I hate myself' and I have done for most of my 64 years. It seems an inescapable prison, and it hurts the person (maybe the people) who love me. Only recently I've thought of killing myself as a means of escape, and considered all the ways I can do that. But it's really a cop out, a '**** you' to the world. It's the easy option.

What's hardest is transformation. I've tried loving myself, being gentle to myself, slow breathing, eastern mysticism, psychotherapy, but none of it has worked more than temporarily. I still end up hating myself. I've learned a lot in the processing I've done, I've learned that it originates from childhood, from a mother who was never nurturing, caring or loving. So I think I'm worthless. I hide who I am from other people, afraid to expose myself for fear of being ridiculed or being manipulated. 'Trust No-One' they used to say in the X-Files, and I haven'd done for years.

Of course this really shows when one meets other people. if you think of yourself as dull and unworthy they pick that up and leave you alone. Hey, isn't that great. It vindicates what a piece of worthless **** I am (now I'm boring myself writing this, but there is a purpose behind it).

I would love to be trusting and open, but experience early in my life has taught me to avoid the pain this can cause. I liked it in 'The Fisher King' when Jeff Bridges said, 'God, I HATE people!'.

So I close this response by asking if there is anywhere on the internet I can beg, steal or borrow some self-respect and self-love. I can't engage with anyone else unless I have that firmly integrated withing my psyche. I want a quick fixit before it's too late...

i feel like u wrote what ive been thinking for years

Thus sums me up can't believe how accurate you were.

i guarantee if any one of you saw me you would feel alot better about yourself. i m always the ugliest out the group. any group. so perk up people. no matter what you going through there is always worst.

Wow, I was so naive when I typed the phrase "I hate Myself" on the computer. I didn't realize how many and how bad some people feel. I'm hating on myself but, am trying everything I know to try to "get over" it. I'm seeing Dr.s, phych people, and trying whatever they prescribe me. Still, haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD, but, that might be coming. I was actually dreaming and hoping to get another deployment so I could at least die honorably. Don't know if this helps anyone but, I'm going to keep trying and not let this beat me.

To Cobalamin: I have been diagnosed with depression for over twenty years. If it were something that could be just 'shaken off' people would not feel this way. It is biological, as much as any illness. If you don't have, cannot understand. People think it's a weakness. You would be amazed at the number of us who pretend everything is ok; we know noone wants to hear complaints; so we are silent. When someone does end their life and family swears nothing was wrong? I have yet to find inner strength or meds to lift me out of depair for long. But I keep going on for my family.

I feel the same

Dear Ones, There is a common thread running through all of your messages. Can you see it? It is a longing for the suffering to end, to find happiness. There is also revealed a will to live. If killing oneself were that simple, a solution to end suffering, then I don't believe anyone would be writing these messages, reaching out. Internal pain is the most difficult suffering. Your experiences tell you that it's not f##### worth it. Not only that, but the mind convinces you that there is no way out. It's a dark, dismal, hopeless place. I don't know if anything I can say will convince you otherwise. But consider: the mind is like a mirror, it reflects whatever is there without discrimination: ****, refuse, a beautiful pond, a butterfly. Whatever is there it reflects. Now consider that you are not your mind, but that the mind is there for you to use, not for you to be used by it. Most of us are convinced that our mind and our thoughts are who we are. But I am telling you that behind that is the true you. The you that knows your true worth. That is the part of you fighting through, trying to reach the surface. You may give up, you may keep fighting. You may follow other's suggestions, you may not. All I know is that I've been in your shoes and that I have fought long and hard and have found a way to enter into love, into kindness, that I have stopped investing myself in those voices that say I'm not worth it, that I'm a failure, that I'm the scum of the earth. Believe in yourselves, believe that there is a way out of the hell hole that you are in. It is not the truth of you who are. It's a hard fight, but you have nothing to lose by fighting it. Inside each of you is someone who is valuable, who has intrinsic self-worth. If the voices (and people) around you are convincing you otherwise try to find a way not to invest yourself in believing them. Keep striving to find a way through into the light, for surely it is there. Tap into your "witness self", that part of you who is observing all this. Who is that self? Keep questioning. Keep refusing to let your mind dictate how you should feel about yourself. At the risk of sounding cliche and phony, You Are Worth Every Effort. You Deserve to Be Happy. Refuse to let anyone, I mean ANYONE (including yourself, that is the mind) to convince you otherwise. Train your mind to reflect what is good in your life. As you begin to concentrate on what is good in your life more awareness will begin to awaken in you. Maybe there is nothing good in your life? Well, just try. Find one, one little thing, that is good and acknowledge it. Then find another element of good, and another. It takes practice and is a slippery slope. Your mind has you convinced otherwise, but keep at it. You are worthy, you are beautiful, You Are a Good Soul.

I feel exactly the same way as you. And I'm 13. Life sucks.

I feel the exact same way.

I didn't really expect to see anything when I keyed in "I hate myself". But look, here we are. I totally relate to the first few lines. I hate what I see looking back at me in the mirror, that fat 53 year old woman with the perpetually tired look on her face. God, what happended to ME? I have a job that I hate, I work 9 - 10 hours a day for chump change. It's just a soul sucking nightmare. My husband is asleep in the recliner in front of the tv by 7:00. My dad is in a nursing home. I'm on antidepresents but i still look forward to the day I'm finally cut loose from this crap hole of a rock that we're on. I don't understand the point. 50 years from now who is even going to remember us? I think we're all just an accident that crawled out of a lake of slime a million years ago. And who in their right minds would believe there's any help coming from a messiah that disappeared 2000 years ago? I'm just doing my time, waiting for the day I don't open my eyes anymore. Sorry I don't have any happy words or an uplifting story to share. Guess I'm just to hollow.

Invisiblegrrl, I know just how you feel and refuse to even look at myself in the mirror. I have prayed for things to get better but they just get worse. I never fit in and feel like some fat blob here for everyone else's amusement . I'm so lonely I cry myself to sleep every night :(