I Hate Who I Am

Hmmm, after reading all the posts I thought I might have some understanding of where i am in my own head. "Nope", I felt sympathy for all of you because I feel the same way. I am 41, working a dead end job in my second marriage and loathing my life. I feel bad for saying this because I have great kids, whom if they knew I felt this way would be devastated. I guess that is why i still deal with the pain and continue to trudge through life. I feel like I have let enough people down in my life that the last thing I want to do is pass on my depression to them. I couldn't stand knowing that I left my kids with nothing but memories. I wake up in constant pain both mentally and physically everyday and I exercise and play sports to keep me fit and healthy but it hasn't seemed to change a thing. I am now on my 3rd consecutive day of not sleeping due to stress and pain. I can't get along with my wife although I know she tries real hard with me, I wish she would just give up on me - I have. I try my best to hide how I feel inside and I am so tired of the paranoid thoughts that fester inside of me. I constantly feel like my wife will either cheat on me or leave me, ironically if I keep up my behaviors she will. She is starting to get fed up and the only person I am really fooling is myself. I know the kids can see it in me, my family despises suicide and any time the situation arises I get to hear them go on about how much they dislike the mere though of suicide. So I feel like I hide with in myself, when I am alone I cry like a big wussy - something else my father and brother dispise. I have no idea where I am going and feel so lost. I ask for the same that all proceeded me in their blogs "If I could just wake up one day and have someone tell me I have a uncureable cancer or that i may suffocate in my sleep when I do get to have it. What the hell is wrong with me? I know there are lots of people out there that have a lot worse situation than I do, in fact I probably have it pretty good compared to most, this still doesn't change how I feel about me. I am an angry, self obsorbed, selfish bastard and I pray for this to go away but I feel like God has no faith in me nor have I ever had any faith in him. I hate my life and I would like it to just end.

I am only eighteen years old, and I feel as though I have not seen enough or experienced enough of life to really hate it. Although, I do. Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and absolutely despise my reality. I hate how I look, I hate how people view me(*******), and my parents blatantly despise me. It really isn't fair. Why can we all just be born with movie star looks ,and grade A personalities. I really wonder if anyone would care if I died, although I guess i will never know. I am just happy to know that there are other people who feel like I do. **** this life.

you just summed up my feelings perfectly

I don't hate myself but i share some similar feelings of my own. I am not happy in my skin sometimes i feel beautiful other times i feel ugly. I feel like no one gets me....my jokes, my personality..... I failed at college twice and lost a awesome job becasue of leagal problems. now i'm 32 and live at home with parents. I have autism and self medicade with cannabis every day. I love exotic strains of cannabis! but I i see where its taking me....to a dark dark, self loathing place. like the the shadowy cornner of a dark and smokey motel room.



even though i had family support i family support I feel so alone. no friends or girlfriends. and the girls that wanted to talk to me i didn't talk to them because i felt ugly and insecure and worthless on every level. I didn't feel like i deserved a good job. i would sabotage myself, burn bridges.



I'm getting better now... I'm learning to love myself again. and i say learning becasue that exactly what it is. you can not just turn on a switch and start respecting yourself again. it takes time but it can be done. I'm going back to school and i'm looking for a job again. I'm even going to start dating again :) Love yourself again. if no one else can accept you you for your external and or internal being then **** them. they win if you stay in your shell. Shine like the person god intended you to be. You are beautiful. you have to kill the demon in the mirror. it's not you.



Failure is key to success!

I feel the pain many of you do. I am in my mid-30's and have had an OK life until the last 18 months. I had a nice family growing up and am well educated, handsome (so I am told) and polite. However I have always felt on the outside of everything. At school I was popular, but never cool, intelligent but not a nerd, good at sports, had lots of friends, but no close friends. I always felt that life is not that important and I have only gone on in life because I did not want to distress my family.

Recently my Mum passed away, I lost my job and my wife left. I have been left feeling an absolute failure. I feel like I have failed to look after these people and their happiness, myself inlcuded (ie. wife, mum and my career). My wife was abusive and she often insulted me and left me bereft of confidence. I put up with it for 3 years (5 year mge). She would insult me and then the next day say she did not meant it, but the damage was done. This abuse, coupled with my grief, caused me to lose confidence and now I am out of work and struggling to get work as I feel I would not be able to do a good job (viscious cycle)!! I often deliberately ruin the interview!!!

Losing my Mum was also hard. It was unexpected and difficult. It makes me question life so much and wonder why should I bother. It is a day to day proposition to live, I feel unworthy of being on this earth.

The only good news has been I have met a girl (on the internet - I hope she is real, she seems real) from Belarus who has stolen my heart. Suddenly, my pain has eased and I actually am starting to come alive. I have a long way to go, but I hope I have 'bottomed out'. She is Natalie and is almost too good to be true (this is my negative side) as I could not stand to be hurt again.



I know you hate this saying (I used to) but hang in there and your luck will change too. Everyone is special in their own way. Try to live and seize the day.

I agree with everyone except floodwall. God loves me? WTF. If he did why am I cursed with a constant rant in my head about what a loser I am, how incompetent I am, what a weak minded dipstick, that can't make it stop. I'm incapable of developing meaningful relationships, I become totally dependent emotionally on the first girl I meet, have no confidence in myself at all, and I've gotten to the point that I hardly talk to anyone because this drumming in my head about what a loser I am would start to take over the conversation.



The only good thing I can say about my life now is that I've isolated myself to maybe 2-3 friends, haven't talked with extended family for about 7 years, parents long dead, no siblings, just got rid of my GF who I know has had enough of my BS (****, I've had enough of my BS!) so she's clear, and I'm getting tired enough of this rant in my head that maybe soon I will have the guts to get this over with. Hell, I'm just over double my estimated life span of 25 which when I was 12 I figured was pretty good. I don't know how the **** i made it to 52, but i'm over it. Life's too hard for me to connect with in a healthy way and I am tired of being the problem child and bringing the people around me down.



Yeah I feel different than everybody else, I haven't figured out how to relate to the world and the constant anxiety is just getting to be too much!



Have a great day all! I'm outta here!



(If you hear from me again that means I'm the same chicken-s**t and so I'll be part of the pu**y for life group.



bye bye

well i guess all i can do is tell you my story i will start from the begining i should feel thankfull for being brought up with money i came from a family history with lots of it good or bad ? you can determin that Question actualy i will answer that question the money had nothing to do with it it was how i was raised father ignored me verbaly abused me hated me constanty put me down i was never good enouph so i ****** up in school got kicked out of many schools got beat up picked on beat up kids in private school cause they made fun of me i got beat up in public school chased jumped beat up with crowds watching saw many shrinks therapists and councellors was put in specal needs classes was sent off to a residential school ran away numerous times hitch hicked around the us was put on meds was losked up in isolation cells was then admitted to psyciatric hospitals joined the navy got out for being mentaly unfit personality disorder did drugs and drank attempted suicide several times commited to many more hospitals did more drugs and drank allways spent time by my self isolated since a young child still do animals are my best friends all ways were inherited mony blew it dident work it was all ways hard for me to hold a job for any extended period of time got into weight lifting and exercise did and still do on and off to this day i fell this is the only thing i am good at and at least have stuck with on and off through out the years since 14 years old was on meds all of my life since 13 years old I am now 49 years old on disability

diagnoss ocd dysthimic depression with bouts of severe clinicail depession and add my life now is isolated dont talk much no friends mad dont like people want to but just doent work like it did when i was younger have ocd with how i feel and what i think difficult to make my mind up and if i do it changes again it gets monatonous i have a double mind i guess I dont drink or do drugs any more but am worried about extacy the drug to enhancea sex pleasure and feeling i am into sex am told i am a sex addict i use sex as i used to use drugs to feel good drug of choice was cocaine it gave me a sence or confidene and my social anxiety was diminished i have high anxiety around people that i constanty fight and that is one reason i stay alone so this is why i hate my self a least that may be part of it the other is probably genetic since my father and his mother and or gand mother had mental problems and my child rearing and development most likely also played a role i dont like being alone live in fear and anxiety dont trust question almost everything i cheat on my ex we live in the same house i live in an apartment on the second floor pay all bills she divorced my in 05 she says because of my cheating she does not work she works on ebay that is her job selling on ebay items she aquires purchaseing for little or no money im told i sould go to na or aa meetings i want to leave her or i dont i cant decide i have been strougling with this on and off since after our honeymoon 20 years ago I have been told we have a co dependant relationship she was sexualy abused as a child enough for now i hope i can add to this later

well i guess all i can do is tell you my story i will start from the begining i should feel thankfull for being brought up with money i came from a family history with lots of it good or bad ? you can determin that Question actualy i will answer that question the money had nothing to do with it it was how i was raised father ignored me verbaly abused me hated me constanty put me down i was never good enouph so i ****** up in school got kicked out of many schools got beat up picked on beat up kids in private school cause they made fun of me i got beat up in public school chased jumped beat up with crowds watching saw many shrinks therapists and councellors was put in specal needs classes was sent off to a residential school ran away numerous times hitch hicked around the us was put on meds was losked up in isolation cells was then admitted to psyciatric hospitals joined the navy got out for being mentaly unfit personality disorder did drugs and drank attempted suicide several times commited to many more hospitals did more drugs and drank allways spent time by my self isolated since a young child still do animals are my best friends all ways were inherited mony blew it dident work it was all ways hard for me to hold a job for any extended period of time got into weight lifting and exercise did and still do on and off to this day i fell this is the only thing i am good at and at least have stuck with on and off through out the years since 14 years old was on meds all of my life since 13 years old I am now 49 years old on disability

diagnoss ocd dysthimic depression with bouts of severe clinicail depession and add my life now is isolated dont talk much no friends mad dont like people want to but just doent work like it did when i was younger have ocd with how i feel and what i think difficult to make my mind up and if i do it changes again it gets monatonous i have a double mind i guess I dont drink or do drugs any more but am worried about extacy the drug to enhancea sex pleasure and feeling i am into sex am told i am a sex addict i use sex as i used to use drugs to feel good drug of choice was cocaine it gave me a sence or confidene and my social anxiety was diminished i have high anxiety around people that i constanty fight and that is one reason i stay alone so this is why i hate my self a least that may be part of it the other is probably genetic since my father and his mother and or gand mother had mental problems and my child rearing and development most likely also played a role i dont like being alone live in fear and anxiety dont trust question almost everything i cheat on my ex we live in the same house i live in an apartment on the second floor pay all bills she divorced my in 05 she says because of my cheating she does not work she works on ebay that is her job selling on ebay items she aquires purchaseing for little or no money im told i sould go to na or aa meetings i want to leave her or i dont i cant decide i have been strougling with this on and off since after our honeymoon 20 years ago I have been told we have a co dependant relationship she was sexualy abused as a child enough for now i hope i can add to this later

I hate myself too. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I have anxiety. It makes me feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I would just give up and die because I know that no one could ever love me the way I am. I feel like i trick people into liking me, bringing them in, and then they find out how messed up and destroyed I really am and they realize that I am not the kind of person anyone would ever want to be with forever. Really, why should I put anyone through that? Wouldn't people I love be better off if they didn't have to deal with me and my bullshit. All I could ever do is drag someone else into my depression. I think my boyfriend right now is starting to realize this. How could I blame him? How could I blame anyone? How could I expect anyone to stay with me. I suck the life out of people.

It's ironic that through reading these comments I've finally found out that I'm not actually totally alone in this world after all. I feel almost the exact same way. It seems like every day since the day I was born I was dealt the shortest straw in life. When I say that if I was born in times gone by I would have been left to die from exposure, I mean that literally. And now as an adult I wish that were still the case, as I can think of no redeeming qualities for myself, either in my personality or in my body. I can hardly stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I've grown up as the slowest, the weakest, the loneliest, the most unworthy all my life amongst a crowd of other kids and people for whom success seemed to just drift into their laps. If there is a God, either I'm one of his biggest mistakes, or he purposely made me the way I am to suffer. And I get angry because every step of my life has felt so hard yet others make everything look so easy. I try to think of friends I've had but I can't name a single one who I'd label as a true friend



The worst part is that my parents have constantly tried to ignore the obvious and give me the best in life. And here I am now, at the age of twenty one, having done nothing worthwhile in life. I'm just the worthless manifestation of more than a decade's worth of false hopes and unfulfilled ambitions that were never my own to begin with. And sometimes I hate my parents for inflicting me with their worthless genetics and their hopeless dreams of my future success, and then feel the crippling guilt because they only ever wanted the best for me. But all I ever wanted was some peace and quiet, which I know I'll never have because the whole world seems to loom around me with the sole purpose of ceaselessly tormenting me while my parents constantly try to force the burden of greatness and ambition onto my back. I'm tired of life, I feel worn down like an old man when I ought to be coming into my own and taking flight. I've thought of killing myself, but I know I couldn't. I was raised as a Christian, so the religious version of what would come after death is almost certainly hell. The atheist alternative is oblivion, which in many ways seems even worse. I think it was someone else earlier who said they were too tired to live and too scared to die. That's how I feel. I wish some act of god would wipe my life out because every waking moment feels like torture.

I don't know you...but I bet you are a beautiful person and just don't know it. Don't let this plastic society based on nothing get the best of you. I'm glad you reached out. I feel the way you do all the time...and I even have the most loving and supportive boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. He tells me I'm beautiful, and wonderful...and all I see is this short, overweight troll. But all we can do is be strong and try to be better. TRY TO BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE!!! Otherwise you're just giving up.

If you need a friend ..please fell free to request me..I can not guarantee in 1-2 years Ill still be visiting this site or that I will be able to reply..butt if I can I would like too. I feel the same way at times. I was reading some of these stories and some are very poetic. I almost teared up with empathy..I hate seeing other people feeling this way.. because I know how it feels..



A lot of death..Please remember never to wish or think like that when you are drunk or on drugs .always give yourself at least 2 days after doing them last. to feel better and always give yourself time. Feelings change. And in most cases only takes a couple days to feel better, and ralways keep in mind the people close and not so close to you..The family who is not even here yet..and how it would affect each and everyone of them and how you would feel if someone close to you committed suicide and didn't tell you they were fealing that way. My close cousin commited suicide a week after I said no after asking to move into my apartment..He didnt fight me on it or anything or make it sound important..and maybe it wasn't, but maybe it was..either way for the rest of my life I feel bad everyday I think about it.

Please don't pass the illness. Give others a chance to help. People aren't psychics and everyone has their own routine that can cause them to be completely unaware of how others feel. Tell them..Seek professional counseling and LOOK THEM IN THE EYES and tell them how you feel or write it on paper when you feel so bad.. Then read it to them in person.. At the very least you will be reviewed for possible medication that you might need to feel like others do. Be honest. with them about drug use. IF you do this at least you will have less regret as you know you did everything you could before doing something so irreversibly tragic to this world.



I didnt mean to give a lecture, I just know how deep and dark it feels sometimes.. I understand the thoughts of killing me and found comfort in it. Walking down a street and just start crying cause I am so depressed, sleeping in bed for hours and not wanting to ever get up. .The solution to this by the way is to GET UP and stay away from Alcohol and drugs.



Again if you need a friend your welcome to try and reach me..



KInd Regards,

Love Yourself...Your are worth it.

Jeff

i really hate my life,my look and everything arround me,im to small and im ugly,every day in school,in street people are laughing to me because of my look and that hurts so much...

it was like that for very long time and im so depressed because of that.

every day i want to kill myself and every night i hope i will die tomorow so i dont have to suffer anymore...

only reason i didnt do that is because of my mother and brother i know they love me no matter what i do and no matter how i look,and i dont want them to suffer...

my father died when i was very young and i never meet him...

people laugh to me and they dont understand i didnt choose to be like this and look like this...



I never wanted to be the prettiest,richest or anything like that,all i want just to be normal like other people and live normal life.

every day i ask myself and God why he made me look like this,but i know there is reason for that why i look like this,nobody is perfect and nobody is useless...

but i never stop bealiving in God and i never will,i dont smoke use drugs or anything what is against my religion,I try to help others and do good things...



i hope so everything will be better after we all die,because i bealive God will make us look better in other world because of things we do here,so dont laugs to anybody or dont do bad things to others,and always bealive in God...



and no matter how you feel or how you look just try to do best you can and most important NEVER GIVE UP...

So long ago you wrote your feelings. Have had many nights where I feel the same, only in mine it's that I simply don't wake up. I hate myself for the way I behave when I know that I am better than that. And I hate myself for letting the people who mean the most to me down at every turn. But then I realize that I either have the power to change or I don't. And if I don't, then how is it that I have the power to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day. All that I can do is embrace what Ghandi said, which is "Be the change in the world you want to see." And more importantly, with such an abundance of people out there to hate for me no other reason than they don't like the cut of my jib it's critical that I try to like myself, warts and all. This is a marathon toward deeper acceptance and understanding that I am, at best, human and not infallable.

So long ago you wrote your feelings. Have had many nights where I feel the same, only in mine it's that I simply don't wake up. I hate myself for the way I behave when I know that I am better than that. And I hate myself for letting the people who mean the most to me down at every turn. But then I realize that I either have the power to change or I don't. And if I don't, then how is it that I have the power to get out of bed every morning and make it through the day. All that I can do is embrace what Ghandi said, which is "Be the change in the world you want to see." And more importantly, with such an abundance of people out there to hate for me no other reason than they don't like the cut of my jib it's critical that I try to like myself, warts and all. This is a marathon toward deeper acceptance and understanding that I am, at best, human and not infallable.

And so would it change or help if everyone noticed how sad you are? Or would it just be worse since they know? It is better to keep it a secret. For people will see you differently.



Truth is if you hate feeling how you do.

Then stop feeling hate.

Or else it will only continue and grow.

I guess I feel like all of you. Nothing really different. I saw a therapist for a while and he taught me how to add up all the good in my life and see that I don't have a reason to feel this way. And its true. I don't. I may not believe in god but I am truely blessed IU have a great family, a wonderful wife and amaizing inlaws. I have friends who seem to guenuinly like me. I may not know why these poeple care about me so much but they do. Either way I still feel this way. I can't accept that people feel they way about me that they say. I feel like they are just being nice because they themselves are good people and don't want to hurt my feelings. I don't know... I started taking lexipro and I thought it was working but I'm on month 4 and honestly I just feel the same. I just want to stop feeling like this, I just want to wake up and just feel normal at least like myself. I always try to be as helpful as possible and I still don't see the good in me. I volunteir at my local fire department and I hope to save a life even if I have to loose mine in the process just so my life will mean something. I try to talk to my wife about this but she doesn't understand and honestly I feel bad burbening her with my problems. She has enough of her own. And I don't want my family to worry. We all seem to have the same issue in my family. My mother was great but very much relied on me for strength growing up as she was an abused child. I have a wonderful aunt and uncle and thanks to them I had a normal childhood, but the last thing I want to do is bother them with my stupid issue. I just don't know.... I just hate this and I want out. I want to feel good or at least ok. And as I get older it seems hard and harder to pretend that everything is ok. It's not and I don't even know why...

ya i feel same everyday , i have started to ignore myself my study , my dream . even my gf says am looser.

You read my mind, Every-night, Before I go to sleep, When I try to relax those thoughts come in. "I hate my life, myself, my world and everything or one in it"

I hate myself because I truly loved a girl and she left me, all what I think is that am I so bad , I loved her so much , cared for a lot and even that is not enough , she didn't even think about me once.Now I'am just an opposite person of what I was , i have started to smoke I know it kills but I have already been killed so what's left, I dont even feel like studying, studying is nothing just a platform to earn money not knowlege,I dont find any girl interesting , it feels life is just over without her, god , I dont think there's such kind of a thing or person...........life is so rude , I cant give love to anyteone and i dont even want to , i hate what I have become and I cant change now......love you"####" you are always welcome in my life.........plz come back..

I hate myself because I truly loved a girl and she left me, all what I think is that am I so bad , I loved her so much , cared for a lot and even that is not enough , she didn't even think about me once.Now I'am just an opposite person of what I was , i have started to smoke I know it kills but I have already been killed so what's left, I dont even feel like studying, studying is nothing just a platform to earn money not knowlege,I dont find any girl interesting , it feels life is just over without her, god , I dont think there's such kind of a thing or person...........life is so rude , I cant give love to anyteone and i dont even want to , i hate what I have become and I cant change now......love you"####" you are always welcome in my life.........plz come back..

I understand you completely and it breaks my heart for you. I am so tender hearted and I hate to know that other people are out there as miserable as I am. If I could take away all of the worlds pain I would take it all on myself to help any of you feeling that way. I don't know any of you. But I love you and I am so sorry for your pain :( I may be STUPIDer and MORE worthless than any of you, if that makes anyone feel better. I hate myself. I make myself sick every single day because I am worthless and wish death upon myself. I have nightmares of ppl chasing me with guns and have actually been murdered 3 times in 3 dreams. My dad is dead because I had to put my signature on a line to remove him from life support when he was 46. My family hates me and they do not speak to me. I dont blame them. I am a piece of garbage. I dont even do anything wrong tho, so I i dont understand it. I lay in my bed 23 hrs a day and watch golden girls reruns, because if I dont, I will overdose myself to get away from here. I am stupid, uneducated and I am weird. My mother hates my guts for burdening her with my existence. I never stop crying, my car hasnt moved from the garage in I dont know how long. My only peace of mind is that some day I will get to a nursing home, because then I will know I am on my way to death soon. until then the wait is torture. I wish time would hurry, but we have no control over it. I hate my very being. My every breath, my stupid stupid stupid ugly appearance. I am a waste of space and I am sorry to all of it. Thank you for listening, honestly ty ty ty. much love to the depressed xo

I know how you feel. I hate myself so much that I wish i just die in my sleep.

I know how you feel. I hate myself so much that I wish i just die in my sleep.

I know how you feel. I hate myself so much that I wish i just die in my sleep.

I KNOW what you all feel. I really do. I am a professional firefighter, accomplished photographer, loved by many, pretty good looking, but I hate myself for my mistakes. I do what I dont want to do. Listen....My father killed himself when I was 17. I am 48 now. CHECKING OUT is not the answer. I have lived on that side of it for 31 years. Maybe this helps in a sense that you know you are not alone. There are many like us. If you saw me walking past you at the mall you would have no idea how I feel. I would appear normal. Maybe we have a disease and shouldnt be so hard on ourselves? PLEASE listen to me when I say dont take your own life. You ARE NOT alone in any way shape or form. I will smile and say HI when I see you..........

Wow. Even thought I'm "young" and feamle. I feel the same way. I never thought I would find another person who feels the same way... just... wow!

Go to my story "Stop it" and you will realize it is exactly what you just said. glad to know there are others like me who feel the same way. Not that i want you to feel bad. I am just glad you are unique. :)

i had the same feelings and thoughts as most of the comments mentioned, i can feel your feelings and pain within your words, we all dont want sympathy, we just want to like ourselves and be happy, i can tell you all that without your thoughts and feelings mentioned on this site i wouldnt realise that im not alone, i feel a warmth that im not alone, not that i wish it upon any of you just that i felt alone, thankyou all.

I feel the same way. exactly the same. I felt like crying just reading half of these blogs. Not because theyre sad but because there are people out there who are like me. I walk around feeling empty. I have no passion for anything. I'm constantly and uncontrollably anxious. I feel horrible all the time. Someone asked me a while back," if I were a super hero what would I want my power to be?" I chose invisibility. They laughed,they thaught it was so I could be a fly on the wall. I wanted to cry. The real reason was just so i could walk around and just look as miserable as i feel with out people giving me **** or feeling pity on me. All i want is to stop pretending and to have everyone just leave me ALONE! The worst part is that other than having social anxiety which makes it hard to have friendships and makes me quite the loner. I dont have many problems. Atleast not problems that I should feel this bad about. The thing that scares me is just that. If theres really nothing to be depressed about. THEN WHY AM I? How do you cure something if you don't understand what caused it in the first place. I hate myself and I sometimes get so distraught that before i turn my car off the garage door is already closed. One day I'm afraid I might not turn the car off.