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I Am An Abomination of Nature.

Ever since high school I've considered myself an abomination of nature.  I've believed that I am evil incarnate, unworthy of forgiveness.  I feel guilty as hell for just being alive.  I am the only one who thinks this way about me. 

The reason for my harsh critique of my being?  I have unholy desires.  That's all I want to say, because when I get more specific, I cry.

Mistake Mistake 26-30, M 23 Responses Dec 18, 2008

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We used to be wild apes ravaging each other with rocks for survival. Then we evolved. Now we're wild men ravaging each other with heavy lead over no more noble a cause. Civilization, social order, and justice didn't arrive because we gained some altruistic sense of morality. It arrived because we shunned immorality. Empathy is the key to all morality. If you can "be" that person, that ob<x>ject of your lust or anger, then you can longer commit that violation against them. But that's not the real trick. The real trick is: Don't be them. Let them be you.<br />
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TLDR We're all evil--deal with it. The golden rule.

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWDiXN8nAx4&feature=youtu.be

Unholy desires... you're trying to live a holy life? I know how you feel... :(

Show me who doesn't have unholy desires and i will show u someone that is not human hey on even begin to think u r not ok no no no no no no never give

Great book is When Panic Attacks. May be helpful for you.

I have completely screwed up my life. I have lost everybody I have ever loved. Those closest ones to me, my family who I would have died for in a heartbeat have rejected me. The one I loved the most and fought for for years despite the constant rejection and mental anguish has walked away from me. I have outlived my usefulness, become surplus to requirements. I no longer feel that I am of use to this world or have anything to live for. I have been screwed over, left to decay and am a joke to everyone I know. Good night cruel world. God bless my beloved children. Daddy loved you but has nothing left to offer. You will soon forget me and be better off without me. Never forget I loved you with all by being. I will always watch over you and will always be proud of the one good legacy I left in this world.

I really related to this post, and I hate to say it, but in reading your story I guess I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one. I empathize with the idea of being a freak, or godless or cursed. And I know what it's like to be unable to speak of the reasons why. I don't have any helpful suggestions, except that I know, in theory, what we believe about ourselves is a lie. I know, in theory, I'm not really cursed and dark and terrible, but I certainly can't help but feel that way. When I think of the reasons why, I choke and feel my body go numb, literally, numb. All this to say that I know what it feels like and if it's any comfort, you're not alone.

I know this is old, and i'm not even entirely sure how I got to this site and to your post. I need to say that I have felt the same as you my whole life, but not because of religion. Because all my life my peers have been jamming this idea into my head that I'm some kind of freakish monster and an affront to god. Telling me things like I don't belong in this world and that my living is an "abomination" to all things in creation. Always looking at me differently.

I too am Catholic. Was raised and still believe. I don't blame that for my negative feelings. Something else affects me. I guess I can hurt, and be a believer, or hurt, and not be a believer. Either way I hurt, and the choice remains. I have gone thru feeling of intense self hate, and then, the next day, I feel great, and no one would have any clue. Its up and down. I don't think believing, or not, is going to change that. I have to deal with the reality of my woundedness. If I were the only one one, I'd crawl into a hole and die; but I see so many in pain around me, it breaks my heart. I wonder if the ability to recognize that pain is my gift. The healthy never see it. They can't possibly comprehend what its like to be hungry. But I see it all around me. And I wonder how can I help others if I cannot care for myself? But they said the same to Him, "Physician, heal thy self!", and though I cannot heal, perhaps I can offer my shoulder for some to lean on. That's all I know.

It's beyond believing it's a walk with GOD in this life and having it in mind that your storyHEAVENLY FATHER lovesyou so so much how much of the world do those friends know to say you don't belong in it A GODLY walk brings godly friends this doesn't u don't slip up sometimes but remember GOD LOVE IS ETERNAL CONSTANT PATIENT ENDURING

You are so loved! SO loved! The devil would have you believe you are nothing of importance, that your life means nothing, that you were a mistake, he'll whisper lies to you in any way he possibly can to make you feel like you are below the lowest life form.. but the truth is... the truth is you are the one God loves! You are the one he looks down on and says "That's my son, That's the one I died for, right him, down there.. that boy in his room.. he's the one I hung on a cross for and died for, he's the one I sing over in the night, he's the one I had in mind when I created the heavens and the earth, and he's the one I see sitting on his bed, crying and believing those lies.. Tell him I love him, I love him SOO much, beyond words, beyond ex<x>pression.. tell HIm I love him" God loves you beloved son! Call out to him he will always answer you!

If these disturbing thoughts upset you and you cannot seem to escape them it's very possible that you might have obsessive compulsive disorder. Just because you have thoughts does not mean you actually want to act upon them. Everyone has different levels of disturbing thoughts. In the case of OCD, it's like the disorder knows what would bother you the most and hurt you the most and it zeroes in on that type of thought...<br />
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Your thoughts are out of your control, your actions are what make you—you<br />
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if thoughts continue to bother you, see a doctor to rule out the possibility of OCD<br />
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peace and be well! :)

If these disturbing thoughts upset you and you cannot seem to escape them it's very possible that you might have obsessive compulsive disorder. Just because you have thoughts does not mean you actually want to act upon them. Everyone has different levels of disturbing thoughts. In the case of OCD, it's like the disorder knows what would bother you the most and hurt you the most and it zeroes in on that type of thought...<br />
<br />
Your thoughts are out of your control, your actions are what make you—you<br />
<br />
if thoughts continue to bother you, see a doctor to rule out the possibility of OCD<br />
<br />
peace and be well! :)

God does not make mistakes and He(God) did not make religion. This was man's idea so that they could have a form of godliness with out a true relationship with Him(God) God created you to have a relationship with Him. He came as a man lived among humanity, died for us so that we would not be guilty but, be free of guilt. God is all about freedom not bondage. When He came as a person He became like us so He could fully understand all that we go through as flesh and blood feeling people. He went to the cross was raised up (resurrected from being dead) so that we would see the power of God that same power is for us to live our lives without quilt in relationship with Him.<br />
You are wonderfully made by God for a purpose with a future and a hope.

Thanks THAHT. Good comment. You're right. When I think I am Catholic, it is because I was raised thinking that. I don't feel the guilt I felt before, when I wrote that. Recognizing the freedom I have to feel free rejuvenates me. Thank you for reminding me of it. Ergo, you are cool.

I was raised in a totally atheist family. No belief in god what so ever And I feel no guilt. You say you feel guilty because your catholic? Lets turn it around and say that the catholics were responsible for the dark ages when 4 million women were were burned from the feet up(the most painful way) Because they wanted to believe in their own version of spirituality. Now I'm sure that you would never do such a thing. And I think the reason is because you don't agree with the catholic church. They would have also murdered you along with the other several million men they killed for not agreeing with them. So you have a choice, feel guilty for being catholic, Or don't feel guilty because your really not a catholic. Be free my friend.

jimmigee - Of course you want to know! I make them sound so aberrant that anyone would be curious. But yeah, I'm not saying. Your want is irrelevant.

I want to know what the unholy desires are..... everything else is irrelevant

Good news! These days, I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. I've got low self esteem, but I'm working on raising it. I don't think I'm an abomination so much anymore. Much. :)

Hi Mistake<br />
Abomination of Nature sounds like a religious concept. There is no such thing. Nature works through variance. So all you need is a new religion which is less judgmental or even no religion. Then centre on yourself and stop letting other people define you. Individuate yourself: I feel therefore I mmmm.<br />
:)

i am that way. i changed and what caused that is hurting me and making me hate myself when i wasnt there even to stop it

Perhaps you are too critical of yourself..?

I always thought of my unholy desires as unholy because I came from a pretty strict Catholic upbringing. I wish I hadn't been raised that way, because it made me feel insanely guilty for mere thoughts. <br />
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Finlay, I don't think I'm evil for my desires. But if the only thing society knew about me was my desires, it'd be scared that I was evil.

Unholy desires? Everything is only as unholy as the person sees it to be. We all desire something that we deem to be unholy- are you sure it is as bad as you believe? Even if it is, you cannot be that much of an abomination if you refrain. Desire is within our very nature. I went to religious conference recently, and it explained the true meaning of evil. Evil is something that falls short of what it is supposed to do, not what we are taught is good and bad. For example, it has been long told that lust is evil, but of course, that is wrong, because it's in our very nature to lust. Hope that helped.