I Can't Stop Hating Myself.

I feel like my life is ending. In fact part of me wishes it was over so I could stop torturing myself. I have a large circle of friends and many people would consider me successful because of my job even though it makes me miserable every day. But I'm 36 and never had a real girlfriend...just a few short relationships here and there that didn't make me happy. I don't think any of them really qualify because I was either dumped right away or I wasn't having sex with her. This is the only thing that feels like it matters: Constant failure with the opposite sex. I hate it so much when I fail it's hard to even try. Last night I went to a singles party. I guess I put on a brave face but I felt a little like crying. I felt like I was begging for love and had nothing to offer in return. It feels like women have no needs that I can fulfill, even though intellectually I know that isn't true. It feels like if love was going to happen for me, it would have happened by now. So I feel unworthy for not having it. But then part of me knows that even if the perfect woman came along and fell in love with me, sooner or later I'd find another reason to feel awful about myself. I've been seeing a shrink for many years and I'm on zoloft and it's helped a lot, but lately I just want to stop experiencing everything. I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself. Not now, and maybe not next week. But I think this is only going to get worse, and one day it will be too much to stand. This week I've been jokingly asking people at work to put a bullet in me because my job makes me so unhappy. I'm only partly kidding.

Sulaco Sulaco
36-40
Feb 17, 2009