Hello. I am at a loose end. I have just moved out of home, away from my parents, in a city that I love, full of culture and art and fashion. I am 18 years old, male and gay. I hate myself because I am physically ugly. I have been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, yet I feel I don't have this condition, as it is a false beleif the sufferer has of flaws in their looks, and I know that I am, straight up, unattractive. I feel that I am only being realistic, and the truth hurts.

I am not coping terribly well. I have been drinking heavily through alot of my teenage years to cope with my anxiety. When I was at home, with my parents and sister and animals in the country, I was somewhat comfortable, yet not living... not going out with friends or meeting people. So I was constantly unhappy, feeling like i'm living comfortably but not doing the things a young person should be doing- things that I really want to do. I have had a long distance relationship with a guy from here. He is model-beautiful, skinny and pale and elegant. Our relationship has been like sid and nancy, deep and troubled. He lives in this dark world I want to enter of beautiful people, beautiful music. He has always been my hope, as every time i've met him previosly it was like he did not care what I looked like, he stilled loved me and I love him completley. No one else has ever been interested in me.

Since I've been here i've seen him a few times. I am so anxious around him because of his looks. Something has changed. He basically said that he loves me yet we would make much better friends. When he said that it crushed me into the ground. He has so many amazing people dying to be with him. I guess I always thought what we had was different, but I can tell he is not attracted to me, if he ever was. But as I said, he was my everything, and now i feel i've been put to the side.

I am at a point where I would love to end it all, stop my body, stop my mind, so no one has to look at me. But I can't because of my family- I could never hurt them by killing myself. I cannot have plastic surgery, because it's not just one thing, like a crooked nose, it's many things. Things that can't be taken to with a scalpel like the shape of ones head, their jawline. It's my bones, my make-up. i just have no idea what to do, I don;t want to live unless I look like someone else, and that can never happen.

cottonblue cottonblue
1 Response Feb 17, 2009

You say you have body dysmorphic disorder, so I think something you should try and do is to bear in mind whenever you do look at yourself that what you see is not what other people see, and that you see yourself as far worse than other people do.<br />
By the way, Sid and Nancy...they didn't have a great relationship. Sorry, but if that's what it's like, you should be counting your blessings really. There will be other people, especially if you live in this city you love. Have you tried meeting other people, going to gigs and stuff?