I Hate Myself

There are many things I hate about myself. I never feel physically adequate. I can never get rid of that excess 5 pounds. My hair is thinning and I just altogether feel unattractive.

At work I'm still kind of at the bottom of the totem pole. This unnerves me and sometimes I feel like I have to "attack" in order to defend myself. I know in reality that no one is out to get me, but I just feel I need to defend. It's even affecting my productivity, and I sometimes feel my job is on the line.

I also don't have any friends. I moved to the area I live in about 2 years ago. I attended school for one semester, didn't make any friends, then graduated. I never get to go out, because I have no one to go out with.

Then there's my boyfriend, a major cause of my depression. I'm 18 and he's 26, which that in itself is a huge divider between us. Also, he's admitted to wanting to be with another race. Not another WOMAN, another RACE. How in the hell do I compete with that? He doesn't have a job and I have to support the house. We got pregnant one month into our relationship, therefore, we've had a lot of stress on our relationship. He's very despondent towards the baby, and that also concerns me. He never takes me out because he says that if another guy were to hit on me, he couldn't handle it. He also thinks I'd fly off the handle when he checks out other women. I haven't been out in over 9 months. On Valentines I spent days MAKING his gift. I labored for hours coming up with 100 different reasons why I loved him. It was very heartfelt and it really came from a deep place. For me, he agreed he'd take me out for once. However, he said he'd never be able to do it unless he was drunk. So when I was dropping the baby off at the sitters, he was at home getting drunk with his friend. When I got home (around 8:30 pm) he came stumbling out to the car telling me he was wasted. He and his friend were stumbling all around my house, knocking things over, spilling their drinks all over my white carpet. I had to take down all the pictures because they were getting bumped into. I don't make much money, but everything I DO make I put into my home and my family and although it's not much, I still have pride in it. Anyway, I got dressed and we were ALMOST ready to go but then I look in the hallway and my boyfriend was passed out. He was too drunk to even buck it up and spend one night out with me. So the rest of the night was spent with me crying, taking care of him while his drunk friend was hitting on me. The next night we also had a sitter. I wanted to be playful and have fun, he was too tired/stoned. The NEXT night after that his friend called (the same loser on Valentines) at 1 am saying he was pulled over without a license and the cop said that if he could get someone to drive him home, he'd let him go. I went ahead and went to bed because we had the baby. At 3 a.m. she started crying and when I looked over, Matthew wasn't in bed. I got up to make her a bottle and there they were, just chilling in my living room. Fine, whatever. I told him I was upset and that I wanted him to come to bed. I went back to bed. 45 minutes later I realized that it was VERY cold in the bedroom (our house has bad "circulation") so I went to get another blanket for the baby out of the drier. They were STILL up. This time however, I noticed the smell of marijuana. I made him sleep in the living room that night. Needless to say, we got in a huge argument the next day. The following night, I was feeling very depressed and was on the verge of committing suicide. I told him my plans, that I was going to put a bag over my head and just sit in my car until I stopped breathing. He said I was crazy and went back to bed. I went out to my car and actually went through with it until my body involuntarily reacted and ripped the bag open. I came inside, he's dead asleep. He never even cared. Then today I told him I was upset about him telling me about the Asian fetish. He got pissed at me because as hard as I try, I can't let it go. There's always going to be that seed of doubt, you know? He just got pissed at me because he said I'd just sit at home alone getting more and more upset and I'd be calling him and bugging him all day. He then slammed the door and that's the last I've heard, about 2 hours ago. He just makes me so sad, and makes me feel like an insignificant piece of ****. Why? Why me? He says he was a little upset about becoming a father at 26, but honestly, does he REALLY think I wanted to become a mother at 18? Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, but I had plans. I was going to go to college, start my career, etc. He at least got to enjoy being an 18-year-old. He got to be a young adult. He was able to go to the beach, to hang out with friends all day/night, etc. I've never lived a carefree lifestyle and I never will be able. I'm a mother now, I have responsibilities.

I just hate myself for so many different reasons. I'm stuck in this life and there's nothing I can do. Just thought I'd share.

mousy622 mousy622
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 19, 2009

I did...last night. I finally broke up with the bastard.