I am confident. To all those around me I come off as a person who is strong, caring, and a good listener. When friends, of whom there are many, have an issue, I am the one to whom they turn.

I can't stand my life. I feel as though my life is worthless. I constantly feel like I need affirmation. Which I don't get. I listen, and I listen, and I listen, to what end? I give the best advice, according to those who I give advice to.

My life is a wreck. I hate who I am. I hate who I used to be. The only time I am happy is when...oh right. I'm never happy. I can't say that I have problems in my love life. I am constantly in and out of relationships. This is because eventually I realize that these women I date deserve better. They deserve someone who is able to look himself in the mirror, and not wish he was anyone else.

I've been worse in the past. I used to cut myself. I don't do that now. People know. They keep an eye out for the signs. So I present myself as a strong, self confident, indeed arrogant person. I get good grades, but I'm not trying. I have the respect of my peers. They don't know me.

I don't get into fights. I did when I was younger. I've learned that it's not worth it. Win or lose, I never felt better. I've done both. I've hospitalized someone. I hated myself. I've had cuts, scrapes, and eye that wouldn't open for two weeks.

I've done everything I can to feel something about myself other than feeling that I don't deserve to be around. I can't talk to anyone, because if I did, then they would worry about me, and I don't deserve that. I worry about them. That is the way it should be.

Apparently I am a great friend. But I've failed them.

How do I change?

mdud3 mdud3
Feb 23, 2009