I'm Pathetic

My life has been nothing but sh*t since day one. My mother was metally unstable and never should have had children, I shouldn't even exist. I have had one bad thing after another happen, my first memory is watching my only sibling perish in a house fire and thinking that I should have been in that house too... how did I end up on the outside of the house? I was days over three at the time, it happened within a week of my 3rd birthday.

At some point I thought maybe there was a reason I was here, maybe there was some point to my meaningless existence - but I was deluding myself. Everytime I have come close to happiness, it turned out to be nothing more than an illusion.  Everytime I fell in love, it was one sided and I have since determined that I am not worth loving. All I am good for is use and abuse. I've learned this, it's been a lesson that has been repeated over and over again.

I may be worthless but I'm not an idiot.

 

MsMisery MsMisery
36-40
3 Responses Feb 24, 2009

It is too much for me anymore. I am not strong any longer. <br />
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I am too tired to much anymore usually because all the pain zaps my energy away.

I feel for you both. As you grow or mature sometimes as not as fast as we would like but hopefully you will start to realize you are not what happened to, not who you were raised by or who your parents are. Try to think of it this way: a child that was molested is not damaged or not worth anything, the person who harmed them are the sick! We are all effected by events that took place in ourlives, effected not broken. I think emotional or denial of love can be the most harmful. I can understand the feelings you have I found a title for mine. I call it "On the outside looking in". By no means has the pain gone away but I have learned to come to terms with it and try move on. It's a stuggle somedays but I must practice what I preach.

I know how that feels. I have the same thoughts in a way. <br />
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I know I am worthless where I am now and hate that. <br />
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I was adopted 2 days after I was born and after I could tell what was going on it was horrible from then on. <br />
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I question why I was even brought into the world if my life was going to be this way. All it has been is pain and more pain. And still is.<br />
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I am tired of it honestly. I have wanted to just give up and end the pain so many times and still do.